DON'T PANIC!

(Don't worry, this is not about me)

So, your significant other has not listened to your feelings AGAIN. It's hurting every day knowing your opinion and values do not count in the relationship and you are tired of compromising on ever single thing, because he won't compromise. You make good money and even though you are working 50+ hours a week, you feel you are doing the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning and yardwork AND are the primary caregiver for the two lovely children you brought into this world together. The man that you married "for better or worse" feels doing his part is occasionally doing the dishes and a load of laundry once in a while. The rest of the time he is absorbed in his own hobbies, TV, internet, fishing and all the fancy stuff that goes with it.

Conversations always end up feeling like lectures from him. It feels like there is no room for actual communication, so small talk is the only safe way to talk to him without ending up feeling either angry or worthless. You have mentioned your unhappiness in every way you can think of, you have pleaded, made lists, made ultimatums to no difference.

Ironically, he has expressed that he is not happy with the way things have turned out either. He wants much more intimate time (nudgenudgewinkwink) and thinks you spend too frivolously (but all of his purchases are necessities, of course). He can't see why you won't learn to accept the way things are will not be changing.

You express that marriage counselling is needed. He agrees to go. You learn that he has been before (with his ex wife to 3 other marriage counsellors)! After the sessions are over there is no discussion, apparently that's enough talk on the subject. He is nice, but nothing has changed, nothing of consequence.

The roof is within a couple years of necessary repairs and it's a big roof. But when the husband sells his motorcycle (at a huge loss) he already has plans for the money.... a purchase that you see as very selfish and useless compared to a roof. A large object that will depreciate and can only be used seasonally. You are dead set against the purchase and have said so right to his face.

While at work, you discover he has taken the kids to the mainland to complete the purchase.... your opinion is completely dismissed -- again.

Now what? You are LIVID. It is the last straw -- when will it end? When will you be heard?

You feel like a slave to this life. You feel like you are wasting your life being ignored at home and wonder how long it will be before the kids start copying daddy.

So?

The options are: to stay in this dysfunctional relationship, inadvertently showing the children what a loveless marriage of convenience looks like, enjoying the big house and dual income and all the toys, carrying on as the dutiful silent wife..... or plunge into the unknown, forging ahead without their father with the hopes that this gives the kids opportunities to find real love, the money will be tight and there is the risk that the daddy will bad-mouth mommy to them... and a risk they will be scarred by the experience!

He is by most definitions a decent man -- that's the kicker. He doesn't screw around, gamble, drink in excess, hit or even argue loudly! He adores his children (especially if they aren't interfering with his TV shows) . It's what he doesn't do that is the worst of it. He doesn't listen, he doesn't help, he doesn't put effort into any relationships, he doesn't respect anyone's opinion but his own and he won't risk his own comfort even to save his marriage. He will say things like "one day I'm going to teach you X...." and "I'm not doing what you say because that would be stupid" and "if I had more s3x everything would be okay" and other asinine statements that are poorly worded and disrespectful.

I am so blessed that my life is not the life described above. But unfortunately it is the life of someone very very close to me. I have no advice for her. This is so far beyond my realm of experience and the consequences too serious.

A whole family is on the brink of shattering.

sigh.... the one thing I did say was that I am proud that she is thinking so hard about it, she is weighing it with the seriousness it deserves. Her primary goal is to do right by their kids. 100%