.... we all went camping, and we just got back. So I will post (with pictures) soon.
Hot shower. Flushing toilet. It's great to be back.
8.31.2007
8.23.2007
My Mommy radar is beeping loudly
" Danger!" "Danger!"
My mommy radar is going nuts right now. There is a boy who lives at the top of the hill (sort of in behind us) I think he may be 12. I have seen him around the school, he always has a full-time teachers aide with him. And I have seen him around the neighbourhood, he rides his bike down the MIDDLE of the road (cars or not) and will not pull over for anyone at anytime.... of course he rarely has a helmet. There is something "odd" about him. My instincts tell me he is worse than just a bad influence, my mommy radar has put him in the very-dangerous catagory. Up until now our paths have not crossed other than me trying desperately not to run over him, or telling him to stop playing at the top of the cliff (a nightmare waiting to happen if someone falls into my backyard!).
This summer he seems to be roaming the valley completely un supervised. And he has figured out that this cul-de-sac is just full of daytime kids -- and construction supplies to mess with too.
He irks me.
He messes with the construction zones and when I call for him to stop it's like he's completely deaf (not selective hearing deaf either). He seems to have no boundaries!
He takes what he wants when he wants and doesn't seem aware of consequences.
He swears like I can't believe (its bad enough to embarass my kids).
The last straw for me was today.... Stevie and his best buddy went down to the creek to catch frogs, innocent boy playtime. When the boys come back to our street with their bucket of frogs comparing who's is bigger etc, the lad comes rolling down the middle of the street and gets right in on the action.
"Where's it's dick? Let's see if they'll have sex!" He's just screaming it out and I am cringing from in my office.
Then I hear loud laughter and know they are up to no-good. This kid has his bike upsidedown on it's handlebars and he's cranking the pedals.... Steve's friend is huddled close, Steve is standing back a-ways.
Then I hear "EWWWW! He ground it right up in the gears!!!!"
(!)
The kid has tortured and torn apart the frog(s) in the cranks of his bike chain!
I almost threw up!
I screamed outside "EVERYONE! GO HOME NOW!" then "Stevie Cammy -- get in here!" I was seriously livid, and positively ill.
Maybe I am making too much of this, but the kid is creepy to start with! He needs full-time one-on-one care at school -- which is neary impossible to get these days, has no regard for his own safety or other's things and now he is torturing innocent frogs for joy? I have terrible recollections of reading warnings about psychos as kids staring out by torturing animals before moving on to the more thrilling challenge of torturing children. Their brains are different, true psychopaths are rare, but have no remorse and a really bizarre sense of "fairness"..... if you have ever read about them, you know what I am talking about.
So if I am over-reacting and he is just a bit "challenged" will it do him harm to alienate him?
On the other hand, I can't ignore my mommy-radar. If he ends up hurting my kids or showing them something really twisted (as if mutilating frogs isn't bad enough) I will never forgive myself!
I have to follow my intuition on this one, I just have to.
SO --- How can I get him to stop coming around? How can I make it clear to my kids that they can't play with him without my immediate supervision? How can I prevent him for interfering in their playtime out in the public area of the cul-de-sac or creek?
One thing I am doing FOR SURE is calling Stevei's friend's mom and telling her what her son witnessed today.
8.16.2007
Mysterious Subconscious
Weird dreams lately. Not even weird pleasant, just plain strange.
I have been having a heck of a time drifting off to sleep lately, my head is buzzing with useless thoughts, unreasonable scenarios and blog-post plots until the wee hours of the morning while T is sawing logs noisily beside me.
I KNOW I will likely be woken up by Cameron having a nightmare, or some teenager squealing tires on the other side of the valley, or my neighbour leaving for work on the night shift.
This is one thing I really despise about summer -- leaving the windows open. The extra ambient night time outside noises are bad enough, but I have the stress (even on a low level) that the patio windows are OPEN, anyone brazen enough could just waltz in and leave with our belongings, or even worse with our KIDS. And so I am hyper sensitive to all the noises, no matter how I try to talk myself out of being worried. (And it's just too stinking stuffy to keep the windows closed).
So I guess that's where the dreams are coming from.
Last night, in my dream I was having lunch in some sort of cafeteria with Spider, Tai, Wolfgrrrl and Bean we were laughing and really enjoying the adventure we were having-- I think we were travelling somewhere in Eastern Europe. I think my ice water was spiked because things got distorted and out of focus.... then they were getting up to leave and they said they would meet me across the plaza to go to the show beside the museum. I don't know why they left me there alone, but they were gone before I could protest . Anyhow, I got up and found my way out of the labrynth of hallways and stairs to come outside into the streets. The plaza was easy to find (follow where the stream of people were coming from). I entered the square, crossed it to a modern glass building that contrasted with the other heavy brick buildings and cobblestones of the town square. I climbed the wide steps to the main entrance. But the rope was crossing the line up, they were full and I wasn't allowed in.
I was still loopy in the dream, and decided I would go for a walk to kill time while my friends were at the exhibit without me. I wandered the edge of the plaza, followed a pleasant walkway to a paved path that lead out of the town core. The town was in mountains, the steep sides of the valley built up with hideous brightly coloured 70's style apartment compleses (thing communist projects painted for tourists) and there were thinck forests in between. The path lead to the bottom of a huge stairway. I stopped and read the plaque saying that this impressive stairway was the "highway" for the commoners coming to and from their government issued jobs in the factories, it was built by students and maintained by them to this day. The plaque also said the view was breathetaking and a vantage point for centuries against invading tribes, and a lookout against soldiers during times of rebellion.
What the heck, I'm a grown woman, on vacation, here to see the sights. I climbed the stairs up and up and up, following the tourists and locals. No one was coming down. I got to an impressive height when the stairs ended at a gatehouse. The official was there to say it was perfectly safe and well maintained (in several languages) and I stepped out onto a catwalk of sorts held to the cliff above by wires. The contraptions creaked and swayed with every step and I looked far ahead to see that it went on like this for a very long time, inclining and switching back to the top of the hill. I could see down, WAY down onto the stairs below, and I tried to go on, but there were no hand rails, just chainlink sides. I guess I am supposed to just plow ahead and not hang onto anything. Other people were doing it, but everytime I moved forward, it all lurched and sawyed so that I grabbed at the chainlink on the rockface.
A large man with a camera was behind me.... "Get going!" he bellowed at me "The man said its safe, just keep moving".
I was upset at my cowardice and lack of coordination and squeazed back past the man, I walked up all those stairs for nothing and now I had to face the gateman to let me back down.
That's when Cameron screamed in his sleep and I woke up with a start.
I got back to sleep eventually. I was on a ferry boat. I was lost, and late. Wandering up and down the corridores looking for a way out of the maze of cabin doors, I could hear the ferry pulling in. This was the last boat of the evening, it was going to turn around and head to its dock for the night, and I would be stuck on the wrong side! I was running up and down the carpeted halls and at the end I saw a little porthole that told me that we had docked and were preparing to unload.
How could I have made a wrong turn, I have been on lots of ferries before, how could I get this lost ON A BOAT?! I finally find a stairwell, it goes down and down past hot, engine room doors and other areas I know I am not supposed to be in. The stair well opens up to a balcony over the cardeck. It is HUGE after being in the narrow confined space of the passageway. I can see the car deck and it has been unloaded, but I am still up too high, there are no more stairs going down, only a ladder, a skinny little metal ladder.
I scramble down it as fast as I can, but it is too late, the boat is pulling away from the dock. I am stuck on the boat.... maybe if I run I can jump across? No the ramp is going up, the doors are closing.
I wake up in a sweat.
Incidentally I dream of missing the ferry, getting lost on the ferry, losing loved ones on the ferry and having problems inthe underground parking (in attempts to get to the ferries) quite a bit. Concidering I only take a ferry about maybe a couple times a year, and there are never any incidents, I do find that strange.
Okay that's 2 of my many somewhat uncomfortable dreams from last night. There are more of them, and there are other nights as of late that are plagued with similar nocturnal dramas.
No wonder I have been waking up drained lately!
I have been having a heck of a time drifting off to sleep lately, my head is buzzing with useless thoughts, unreasonable scenarios and blog-post plots until the wee hours of the morning while T is sawing logs noisily beside me.
I KNOW I will likely be woken up by Cameron having a nightmare, or some teenager squealing tires on the other side of the valley, or my neighbour leaving for work on the night shift.
This is one thing I really despise about summer -- leaving the windows open. The extra ambient night time outside noises are bad enough, but I have the stress (even on a low level) that the patio windows are OPEN, anyone brazen enough could just waltz in and leave with our belongings, or even worse with our KIDS. And so I am hyper sensitive to all the noises, no matter how I try to talk myself out of being worried. (And it's just too stinking stuffy to keep the windows closed).
So I guess that's where the dreams are coming from.
Last night, in my dream I was having lunch in some sort of cafeteria with Spider, Tai, Wolfgrrrl and Bean we were laughing and really enjoying the adventure we were having-- I think we were travelling somewhere in Eastern Europe. I think my ice water was spiked because things got distorted and out of focus.... then they were getting up to leave and they said they would meet me across the plaza to go to the show beside the museum. I don't know why they left me there alone, but they were gone before I could protest . Anyhow, I got up and found my way out of the labrynth of hallways and stairs to come outside into the streets. The plaza was easy to find (follow where the stream of people were coming from). I entered the square, crossed it to a modern glass building that contrasted with the other heavy brick buildings and cobblestones of the town square. I climbed the wide steps to the main entrance. But the rope was crossing the line up, they were full and I wasn't allowed in.
I was still loopy in the dream, and decided I would go for a walk to kill time while my friends were at the exhibit without me. I wandered the edge of the plaza, followed a pleasant walkway to a paved path that lead out of the town core. The town was in mountains, the steep sides of the valley built up with hideous brightly coloured 70's style apartment compleses (thing communist projects painted for tourists) and there were thinck forests in between. The path lead to the bottom of a huge stairway. I stopped and read the plaque saying that this impressive stairway was the "highway" for the commoners coming to and from their government issued jobs in the factories, it was built by students and maintained by them to this day. The plaque also said the view was breathetaking and a vantage point for centuries against invading tribes, and a lookout against soldiers during times of rebellion.
What the heck, I'm a grown woman, on vacation, here to see the sights. I climbed the stairs up and up and up, following the tourists and locals. No one was coming down. I got to an impressive height when the stairs ended at a gatehouse. The official was there to say it was perfectly safe and well maintained (in several languages) and I stepped out onto a catwalk of sorts held to the cliff above by wires. The contraptions creaked and swayed with every step and I looked far ahead to see that it went on like this for a very long time, inclining and switching back to the top of the hill. I could see down, WAY down onto the stairs below, and I tried to go on, but there were no hand rails, just chainlink sides. I guess I am supposed to just plow ahead and not hang onto anything. Other people were doing it, but everytime I moved forward, it all lurched and sawyed so that I grabbed at the chainlink on the rockface.
A large man with a camera was behind me.... "Get going!" he bellowed at me "The man said its safe, just keep moving".
I was upset at my cowardice and lack of coordination and squeazed back past the man, I walked up all those stairs for nothing and now I had to face the gateman to let me back down.
That's when Cameron screamed in his sleep and I woke up with a start.
I got back to sleep eventually. I was on a ferry boat. I was lost, and late. Wandering up and down the corridores looking for a way out of the maze of cabin doors, I could hear the ferry pulling in. This was the last boat of the evening, it was going to turn around and head to its dock for the night, and I would be stuck on the wrong side! I was running up and down the carpeted halls and at the end I saw a little porthole that told me that we had docked and were preparing to unload.
How could I have made a wrong turn, I have been on lots of ferries before, how could I get this lost ON A BOAT?! I finally find a stairwell, it goes down and down past hot, engine room doors and other areas I know I am not supposed to be in. The stair well opens up to a balcony over the cardeck. It is HUGE after being in the narrow confined space of the passageway. I can see the car deck and it has been unloaded, but I am still up too high, there are no more stairs going down, only a ladder, a skinny little metal ladder.
I scramble down it as fast as I can, but it is too late, the boat is pulling away from the dock. I am stuck on the boat.... maybe if I run I can jump across? No the ramp is going up, the doors are closing.
I wake up in a sweat.
Incidentally I dream of missing the ferry, getting lost on the ferry, losing loved ones on the ferry and having problems inthe underground parking (in attempts to get to the ferries) quite a bit. Concidering I only take a ferry about maybe a couple times a year, and there are never any incidents, I do find that strange.
Okay that's 2 of my many somewhat uncomfortable dreams from last night. There are more of them, and there are other nights as of late that are plagued with similar nocturnal dramas.
No wonder I have been waking up drained lately!
8.14.2007
Near Death Experiences
There are a few times in my life that things were potentially fatal (aside from everytime I get into a car that is).
In my memory, there was the time my mom took me to a birthday party where they had a pool. I was told to stay in the shallow end as I couldn't swim (I think I was around 4 or 5 at the time). So I stayed on the steps -- the shallow end was around 3 ft and I was probably 3 ft tall -- if that. I was happily bobbing up and down on the step watching the other kids playing and diving at the other end. The mom's were all having conversation, lounging in the sun on deck chairs, off towards the house. It was full of happy noises and bright colours.
Then my foot slipped off the step and I went in over my head -- still very much in the shallow end I might add! I remember how everything changed so fast. The happy noises abruptly muffled and replaced with the roaring sound of underwater action, and seeing the crisp blueness of the pool bottom and then the white bubbles that came from my mouth made it all blind. I flailed around looking for the surface and gagged on the water.
The sensation was thick and burning as the water went in.
I didn't stop thrashing and my hand luckily caught the edge. I grabbed for dear life and yanked MYSELF above the surface. I still couldn't breathe though and scrambled up the stairs (they were RIGHT THERE I was inches away from safety). Got all the way out onto the hot, rough concrete on hands and knees and spewed water out my mouth. Coughing and gasping and crying.
It was a surreal experience. I knew something major had happened, but no one else did! The happy noises still came from the pool, the parents were still laughing and talking as if nothing had happened. My mom must have just thought I was bored when I didn't want to go back in. My tears were camoflaged by the pool water.
Then there was the time I fell off the playground equipment just before grade 1 and landed across the log that held in the bark mulch... I don't know really if it was life threatening, but I did get knocked out cold and took a while to come back. I remember feeling very cocky about my skills on the bars, swinging backwards and well -- just falling! The air was knocked out of me and the pain left me sprawled where I fell. My little sister (5) surely saw me as lifeless and panicked. The angle that my head lay, cheak pressed into the turf, saw our bicycles in the foreground and her running off down the field on foot. Apparently she told my folks that I was dead... it must have looked bad. BUT no broken bones, no brain damage (that I am aware of -- wink wink) so it's not a biggy.
That same playgound was threatening again just a year later. You see there was a vacant lot that we used to cut through to get to school, right near the playground. One day I wore my very prettiest dress to school and on the way through the trail I was stopped by a man.
(Parents worst nightmare coming up)
He grabbed me and tried to force my hands down his pants. He also was trying to get a better hold of me. I was a skinny little girl and the fluffy dress probably helped me.
He had to crouch very low and I KNEW, despite being very very very scared, that I did NOT want anything down this ugly man's pants! So I yelled, I squirmed and I pushed him as hard as I could! He fell over and I ran as fast as I could all the rest of the way to school.
Young children are naive and kind of stupid, and I was no exception. Back in those days we were warned not to talk to strangers and not to go with strangers, but we weren't told what to do if we actually found one sculking in the bushes...
I got to school and I felt very very bad, I did NOT like my dress anymore (never wore it again). But other than telling other kids I knew to NOT cut through those bushes anymore, I was just relieved to get away and it never occured to me that I should tell any grown ups, why would I? I wasn't hurt, I wasn't even late for school.
Gulp, breathe
(that still freaks me out)
A year or 2 after that I had a terrible cough. I was laid up in bed and dad was getting ready for bed. It had been going on a while and I think he wanted to give me some relief from the coughing so he could get some sleep. So he did the logical thing and gave me a cough drop candy. Unfortunately I sucked it IN while having another coughing fit!
Dad told me later that he only came back in my room because the resulting silence was so abrupt.
If you have ever choked on something you will know what it felt like next.
I was paralyzed in the chest. No noise -- not a cough, not a wheeze -- NOTHING could go in or out of my mouth. I don't remember panicking yet, I don't think I had even moved.
Dad came in before I could even go blue, he saw me and his eyes got very wide. He scooped my skinny little frame up out of bed and threw me over his shoulder. It was his reaction that scared me more than anything, and I could feel the tears of panic in my eyes as I was being jostled down the hall. Bare footed and in his PJ bottoms, dad grabbed the keys and headed for the front door. But somewhere between the livingroom and the front step the lozenge had come out.
"Dad! Dad!" I called hoarsely a loud as I could. He stopped on the bottom step and put me down. My poor dad, he had been trying to raise us on his own, he was stressed to the max with the care and wellbeing of 2 little girls. Working long hours to keep us fed, no childminding he could afford. I think this was the last straw and he stayed on the front step with his head in his hands and cried for the first time I had ever seen him. I knew it was my fault and it was very important for me to make it better. I scurried on my hands and knees onto the carpet of the livingroom to find the offending cough drop.
I came back to him "See dad?" I held up the sticky orange candy covered in carpet fuzz "See it came out, its okay now". Poor guy, he smiled and took it from me and threw it away hard into the dark yard. Then hugged me and took me back to bed.
I think he felt very very alone with his parenting that night.
Next time I think I may have been in serious harm's way was when I was 12 years old. Dad had moved us all in with an older lady by this time (she's a piece of work, but I can see why he wanted a wife in light of the last experience there).
I had been suffering with sinusitus, a terrible cough and a fever for a long while. I had missed some school and had been given a cough suppressent at night to try to keep me quiet. My step mom and my dad both worked full time so no one was home to help me during the day. So it was really a set of combined features of cough supressants making my siusitus turn to pnuemonia, my skinniness causing my reserved to be nil, and no care during the day leading to my dehydration that landed me in the terrible state they came home to.
The fevers were terrible. I had halucinations that were terrifying and so so real!
My parents came home to an unresponsive burning lump in my bed. They tried to wake me but I lulled limp and soggy, completely out of my senses and unconcious.
Dad picked me up and took me to the car. This is where it gets weird.........
I saw myself get lifted into the car. From above I saw them talking about how I wasn't waking up and talking to me as Dad got in with me on his lap into the back seat. Then I was me again, and my head was uncomfortable against the armrest, my eyes were open a bit, I could see the fabric of the car's interior, but I couldn't talk, I couldn't move or tell him I was uncomfortable.
They took me to emergency and within 20 minutes being on I.V. I felt great and completely ALIVE! They kept me for a while and though the children's wing was a nightmare of terrible noises, I was happy to get Jello and all the people coming to visit.
The rest of my childhood went pretty smoothly actually. I black eye from a boot to the head - nothing serious. A soccer ball full force that slammed my head into the ground -- hurt, but not terribly. A car crash that left my car in miserable shape but didn't even scrape me.
In college, my first Migraine headache had me believing that I was dying. The pain was so exruciating that I was actually blind in my right eye... my language didn't make sense.
I wasn't sure what it was but I thought I had been poisoned (carbon monoxide) or was having a stroke. I thought maybe a drink of water would help, so I went to the bathroom. I made the terrible mistake of turning on the light. AAAAHHHHH!!!! It was like a terrible prickly set of spines that were red hot had been forced into my optic nerve and out the back of my skull! My brain cramped and the pain drove me to my knees and I threw up violently. Lucky me, when I woke up the next day (and went to the emergency clinic to have the doctor sy "oh that was just a migriane") I had black eyes from all the little capillaries areound my eyes having burst from the violent ralphing.
Then came the week that my first son was born just over 10 years ago. I had sinusitus (again) and the doctor said "don't worry, you're not due for AGES, you'll be better by the time the baby comes". ya. right.
24 days early Steve decided he couldn't wait any more! Labour was painful, terrifying and just plain icky. I managed to get dehydrated even with eating all the ice chips, and my head pounded with pressure.
We came home and I was lost and confused at the whole mommy gig. THEN MY MILK CAME IN.
Oh they don't tell you about that! The pain, the swelling the non-stop squirting! I went from a modest B cup to a DD overnight, and they were rock hard, I looked like Arnold Swartzinegger with giant pecs up to my collarbone, and into my armpits! My life was HOT and WET but not in a good way.
Well, I got dehydrated again and my sinussed were in terrible shape, and I had hallucinations again. Really Real, really panicky visions and I was sure I wasn't going to survive if I fell asleep. Note: I was already sleep deprived -- thanks baby.
I think T thought I was mental -- and I was. I was curled up on the floor mumbling to myself, I saw him and grabbed his shirt when he got close. "DON'T let me go to sleep!" I pleaded "I won't breathe, I won't wake up!" (You see I thought I was a pencil, and everyone knows pencils don't breathe.)
T was smart enough to take us to the doctors and I got some antibiotics and lots of gatorade.
There.
It's a miracle I'm still here, eh?
In the grand scheme of things, my "serious" issues were pretty minor, and I managed to pull through each of them to live another day.
I like being alive actually.
In my memory, there was the time my mom took me to a birthday party where they had a pool. I was told to stay in the shallow end as I couldn't swim (I think I was around 4 or 5 at the time). So I stayed on the steps -- the shallow end was around 3 ft and I was probably 3 ft tall -- if that. I was happily bobbing up and down on the step watching the other kids playing and diving at the other end. The mom's were all having conversation, lounging in the sun on deck chairs, off towards the house. It was full of happy noises and bright colours.
Then my foot slipped off the step and I went in over my head -- still very much in the shallow end I might add! I remember how everything changed so fast. The happy noises abruptly muffled and replaced with the roaring sound of underwater action, and seeing the crisp blueness of the pool bottom and then the white bubbles that came from my mouth made it all blind. I flailed around looking for the surface and gagged on the water.
The sensation was thick and burning as the water went in.
I didn't stop thrashing and my hand luckily caught the edge. I grabbed for dear life and yanked MYSELF above the surface. I still couldn't breathe though and scrambled up the stairs (they were RIGHT THERE I was inches away from safety). Got all the way out onto the hot, rough concrete on hands and knees and spewed water out my mouth. Coughing and gasping and crying.
It was a surreal experience. I knew something major had happened, but no one else did! The happy noises still came from the pool, the parents were still laughing and talking as if nothing had happened. My mom must have just thought I was bored when I didn't want to go back in. My tears were camoflaged by the pool water.
Then there was the time I fell off the playground equipment just before grade 1 and landed across the log that held in the bark mulch... I don't know really if it was life threatening, but I did get knocked out cold and took a while to come back. I remember feeling very cocky about my skills on the bars, swinging backwards and well -- just falling! The air was knocked out of me and the pain left me sprawled where I fell. My little sister (5) surely saw me as lifeless and panicked. The angle that my head lay, cheak pressed into the turf, saw our bicycles in the foreground and her running off down the field on foot. Apparently she told my folks that I was dead... it must have looked bad. BUT no broken bones, no brain damage (that I am aware of -- wink wink) so it's not a biggy.
That same playgound was threatening again just a year later. You see there was a vacant lot that we used to cut through to get to school, right near the playground. One day I wore my very prettiest dress to school and on the way through the trail I was stopped by a man.
(Parents worst nightmare coming up)
He grabbed me and tried to force my hands down his pants. He also was trying to get a better hold of me. I was a skinny little girl and the fluffy dress probably helped me.
He had to crouch very low and I KNEW, despite being very very very scared, that I did NOT want anything down this ugly man's pants! So I yelled, I squirmed and I pushed him as hard as I could! He fell over and I ran as fast as I could all the rest of the way to school.
Young children are naive and kind of stupid, and I was no exception. Back in those days we were warned not to talk to strangers and not to go with strangers, but we weren't told what to do if we actually found one sculking in the bushes...
I got to school and I felt very very bad, I did NOT like my dress anymore (never wore it again). But other than telling other kids I knew to NOT cut through those bushes anymore, I was just relieved to get away and it never occured to me that I should tell any grown ups, why would I? I wasn't hurt, I wasn't even late for school.
Gulp, breathe
(that still freaks me out)
A year or 2 after that I had a terrible cough. I was laid up in bed and dad was getting ready for bed. It had been going on a while and I think he wanted to give me some relief from the coughing so he could get some sleep. So he did the logical thing and gave me a cough drop candy. Unfortunately I sucked it IN while having another coughing fit!
Dad told me later that he only came back in my room because the resulting silence was so abrupt.
If you have ever choked on something you will know what it felt like next.
I was paralyzed in the chest. No noise -- not a cough, not a wheeze -- NOTHING could go in or out of my mouth. I don't remember panicking yet, I don't think I had even moved.
Dad came in before I could even go blue, he saw me and his eyes got very wide. He scooped my skinny little frame up out of bed and threw me over his shoulder. It was his reaction that scared me more than anything, and I could feel the tears of panic in my eyes as I was being jostled down the hall. Bare footed and in his PJ bottoms, dad grabbed the keys and headed for the front door. But somewhere between the livingroom and the front step the lozenge had come out.
"Dad! Dad!" I called hoarsely a loud as I could. He stopped on the bottom step and put me down. My poor dad, he had been trying to raise us on his own, he was stressed to the max with the care and wellbeing of 2 little girls. Working long hours to keep us fed, no childminding he could afford. I think this was the last straw and he stayed on the front step with his head in his hands and cried for the first time I had ever seen him. I knew it was my fault and it was very important for me to make it better. I scurried on my hands and knees onto the carpet of the livingroom to find the offending cough drop.
I came back to him "See dad?" I held up the sticky orange candy covered in carpet fuzz "See it came out, its okay now". Poor guy, he smiled and took it from me and threw it away hard into the dark yard. Then hugged me and took me back to bed.
I think he felt very very alone with his parenting that night.
Next time I think I may have been in serious harm's way was when I was 12 years old. Dad had moved us all in with an older lady by this time (she's a piece of work, but I can see why he wanted a wife in light of the last experience there).
I had been suffering with sinusitus, a terrible cough and a fever for a long while. I had missed some school and had been given a cough suppressent at night to try to keep me quiet. My step mom and my dad both worked full time so no one was home to help me during the day. So it was really a set of combined features of cough supressants making my siusitus turn to pnuemonia, my skinniness causing my reserved to be nil, and no care during the day leading to my dehydration that landed me in the terrible state they came home to.
The fevers were terrible. I had halucinations that were terrifying and so so real!
My parents came home to an unresponsive burning lump in my bed. They tried to wake me but I lulled limp and soggy, completely out of my senses and unconcious.
Dad picked me up and took me to the car. This is where it gets weird.........
I saw myself get lifted into the car. From above I saw them talking about how I wasn't waking up and talking to me as Dad got in with me on his lap into the back seat. Then I was me again, and my head was uncomfortable against the armrest, my eyes were open a bit, I could see the fabric of the car's interior, but I couldn't talk, I couldn't move or tell him I was uncomfortable.
They took me to emergency and within 20 minutes being on I.V. I felt great and completely ALIVE! They kept me for a while and though the children's wing was a nightmare of terrible noises, I was happy to get Jello and all the people coming to visit.
The rest of my childhood went pretty smoothly actually. I black eye from a boot to the head - nothing serious. A soccer ball full force that slammed my head into the ground -- hurt, but not terribly. A car crash that left my car in miserable shape but didn't even scrape me.
In college, my first Migraine headache had me believing that I was dying. The pain was so exruciating that I was actually blind in my right eye... my language didn't make sense.
I wasn't sure what it was but I thought I had been poisoned (carbon monoxide) or was having a stroke. I thought maybe a drink of water would help, so I went to the bathroom. I made the terrible mistake of turning on the light. AAAAHHHHH!!!! It was like a terrible prickly set of spines that were red hot had been forced into my optic nerve and out the back of my skull! My brain cramped and the pain drove me to my knees and I threw up violently. Lucky me, when I woke up the next day (and went to the emergency clinic to have the doctor sy "oh that was just a migriane") I had black eyes from all the little capillaries areound my eyes having burst from the violent ralphing.
Then came the week that my first son was born just over 10 years ago. I had sinusitus (again) and the doctor said "don't worry, you're not due for AGES, you'll be better by the time the baby comes". ya. right.
24 days early Steve decided he couldn't wait any more! Labour was painful, terrifying and just plain icky. I managed to get dehydrated even with eating all the ice chips, and my head pounded with pressure.
We came home and I was lost and confused at the whole mommy gig. THEN MY MILK CAME IN.
Oh they don't tell you about that! The pain, the swelling the non-stop squirting! I went from a modest B cup to a DD overnight, and they were rock hard, I looked like Arnold Swartzinegger with giant pecs up to my collarbone, and into my armpits! My life was HOT and WET but not in a good way.
Well, I got dehydrated again and my sinussed were in terrible shape, and I had hallucinations again. Really Real, really panicky visions and I was sure I wasn't going to survive if I fell asleep. Note: I was already sleep deprived -- thanks baby.
I think T thought I was mental -- and I was. I was curled up on the floor mumbling to myself, I saw him and grabbed his shirt when he got close. "DON'T let me go to sleep!" I pleaded "I won't breathe, I won't wake up!" (You see I thought I was a pencil, and everyone knows pencils don't breathe.)
T was smart enough to take us to the doctors and I got some antibiotics and lots of gatorade.
There.
It's a miracle I'm still here, eh?
In the grand scheme of things, my "serious" issues were pretty minor, and I managed to pull through each of them to live another day.
I like being alive actually.
8.10.2007
Juggling Life and Work
I have been amazingly productive lately!
It was a model week. Some play, quality time with the family and lots of work getting done too.
Feeling really like summer is here, and it's within weeks of ending! Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to September and the new schedule of 2 full time students (!) but I do have a great time with them at home too. WAY less looking at the clock (time to pick them up yet?)They are busy boys with lots of friends to call on and call over and the summer has gone sweet and breezy.
T just told me he has a week of holidays coming too! So we are planning one more camping trip a big one this time. I want to go back to Cowichan Lake, but I think T wants to forge farther afield.
My new job is going better as I get the hang of what is required, and I do get along with everyone so far. My old clients aren't feeling neglected yet, and I feel capable of getting it all done right now. September will only help too, with the boys being away at school for "full days". Of course that only leaves me from 9 - 2:30 Mon-Thursday and 9 - 1:30 on Fridays, but I think I can seriously put it to good use.
I just figured out that I have been bringing into the household exactly what I had projected when I started this work-at-home thing. And it has been very constant for a while now! What a good feeling that is! Not run ragged like I was a couple years ago, and not terrified of making nothing at all like I was 5 years ago, I seem to have found a happy medium, and I am content.
Sure I can have bad days where the clients make me cry... but for the most part I am appreciated for the work I do. And that is the most satisfying part of the job by far!
T sees enough of me, the boys get to do stuff with me and the house isn't TOO destroyed most of the time, and dinners are a cooperative effort between T and me (I usually start it, and T finishes making it while I tinker at the computer for a few more billable minutes).
sigh, BALANCE is good. Not easy to maintain and never constant, but very very good when achieved.
It was a model week. Some play, quality time with the family and lots of work getting done too.
Feeling really like summer is here, and it's within weeks of ending! Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to September and the new schedule of 2 full time students (!) but I do have a great time with them at home too. WAY less looking at the clock (time to pick them up yet?)They are busy boys with lots of friends to call on and call over and the summer has gone sweet and breezy.
T just told me he has a week of holidays coming too! So we are planning one more camping trip a big one this time. I want to go back to Cowichan Lake, but I think T wants to forge farther afield.
My new job is going better as I get the hang of what is required, and I do get along with everyone so far. My old clients aren't feeling neglected yet, and I feel capable of getting it all done right now. September will only help too, with the boys being away at school for "full days". Of course that only leaves me from 9 - 2:30 Mon-Thursday and 9 - 1:30 on Fridays, but I think I can seriously put it to good use.
I just figured out that I have been bringing into the household exactly what I had projected when I started this work-at-home thing. And it has been very constant for a while now! What a good feeling that is! Not run ragged like I was a couple years ago, and not terrified of making nothing at all like I was 5 years ago, I seem to have found a happy medium, and I am content.
Sure I can have bad days where the clients make me cry... but for the most part I am appreciated for the work I do. And that is the most satisfying part of the job by far!
T sees enough of me, the boys get to do stuff with me and the house isn't TOO destroyed most of the time, and dinners are a cooperative effort between T and me (I usually start it, and T finishes making it while I tinker at the computer for a few more billable minutes).
sigh, BALANCE is good. Not easy to maintain and never constant, but very very good when achieved.
8.03.2007
My Sister the big Spender
What are the symptoms of addiction?
Symptom # 1 Unable to meet responsibilities at home, school or office.
Symptom # 2 Continues to use substances or engage in behavior even when it is dangerous.
Symptom # 3 The need increases to engage in behavior or use more of a substance to achieve the same effect or feeling.
Symptom # 4 Has tried but failed to stop using the substance or end the behavior.
Symptom # 5 Continues to engage in the behavior or use the substances even when they are aware of the dangers.
Answering yes to three or more of the above symptoms during a 12 month period may show that you or a loved one has an addiction. The first step to treating an addiction is recognizing that it exists.
Well, my darling sister can easily answer "yes" to these questions when it comes to spending and I am worried. Her shopping for brick-a-brack and kids clothes is out of control (closets and home bursting with REALLY NICE new stuff. Her husband is no angel either with smoking, motorcycle accessories, other manly upgrades like full digital cable, high speed internet and expensive dinner menu requests.
Between the both of them it has gotten them into some serious debt. When I say serious I mean they are working full time for the stuff they have already bought. It really has gotten so that every payable day is necessary, no sick days, no days off for seeing the kids do something special, even arranging their schedules to minimize the need to use daycare (and thus never have a day off together!).
They don't communicate about it, they justify it like a competition.... "Well if HE can smoke, then I can buy this." and "If SHE can spend $150 on toys then I can buy that new helmet", etc, etc.
Other excuses I have heard on a regular basis:
"I only spend on the house and kids, I deserve a nice house and the kids NEED clothes" (6 pairs of runners for a 4 year old is overboard in my books)
"They were all a really good price, look this candlestick retails at $60, and I only paid $5, I just couldn't leave it there!" (Yet another very nice candlestick for her ensuite, throw for the couch, picture for the wall, pretty dip bowl, etc....)
"The whole lot only cost $200! Can you beleive what a good deal that was?" (massive bag of clothes, sure it's a good deal but there was nothin in there they couldn't do without)
"I work very hard, I deserve to treat myself" (Both say this all the time. Maybe if they treated themselves LESS then they wouldn't have to work SO HARD!)
"Check out my new motorcycle mirrors (or tankbag/turn indicators/seat/grips), with a few more after market accessories this will look like a cafe racer!" (How do you break it to him that the bike isn't paid for yet, so why is he customizing it when the stock parts look just great?)
"I like GOOD food, I can't eat hamburger, chicken or casseroles every day" (the hubby actually had the nerve to say this when sister wanted to trim the grocery bill.)
..... Don't get me started on the smoking excuses, there are dozens of them.
I am worried for them because they acuse each other of being the irresponsible spenders without acknowledging their own contributions to the problem. They compete with their spending, they hide purchases from each other.... they really do!
They consolidated their debt to a loan with their house as the collateral (lein on the home so if they default on payments, it would be terrible!) That was to pay off a car that they no longer have and the VISA. They still have the VISA, and use it, and they bought an old truck as a rainy day vehicle and a mini van as their main vehicle.
They have also fallen prey to thinking about how much equity the house has earned since they bought it (hence the consolidation loan). They feel like they are ahead and since they can sell it for more than they bought it for, they can always sell and come out ahead. This one kills me as I have thought the same thing so many times! (Uh-- reality check here sissy -- if you sell it, where do you move to that will cost less per month? You still need a roof over your family's head, and you have to live where you can get work!). They did buy at a good time, but they also bought the maximum amount they could qualify for on their incomes, and therefore couldn't even afford to buy their own house NOW if the interest rates go up even a few percent! (shudder) Sister is counting on promotions, raises etc to keep up with inflation... not a bad plan, except that they are really depending on it happening.
OH YA! To top it all off, my Sister HAS gone bankrupt before! And although it was a business venture that failed for that one, it was poor money timing and overspending for the business that caused it to go wrong and even worse, default on a loan that our stepdad co-signed for! She washed her hands of all responsibility after she declared bankrupcy and my stepdad was left to pay the loan by himself -- it was a biggie too (convenient for her). It ended updriving a huge wedge into that side of the family and it wasn't about the money for them, it was about the attitude. She doesn't seem bothered missing any of them -- its a shame for her as he is about the best grandpa the kids could ever dream for!
Here is a terrible scenario.... what if.... depression, illness, accident -- what if either of them is unable to make the same income as they do now? Or Sister gets pregnant! Or Someone gets laid off! Any difference in their combined income would be disasterous. They spend quite a bit they could trim if they absolutely had to, but more importantly they SPENT too much already! No matter what, their rather lovely quality of life would need to change drastically... and if they stayed in denial about the whole spending "cause and effect", their lives could take a big crapper.
Would they lose the house? Probably.
Would their marriage survive the strain and fault laying? Unlikely.
In her defence, my Sister has tried to make a budget, shop efficiently, stay out of the stores that aren't grocery stores. BUT the "deals" suck her in and it never sticks for more than a week. She is a very smart girl with lots of spark and employable skills and a good heart, looking out for her kids and being a loving and loyal spouse.... but this whole "pay before you play" money thing isn't really real to her, it never has been.
Why do I know all this stuff? They both are proud of their purchases and enjoy showing me. They both confide in me their money stresses about each other. (Its hard knowing more than their own spouse). It's stressful to see them both so focused on the money and the " things " and not spending enough time with each other. They both work full time, and they both want the finer life that is supposed to go along with that, realistically that means staying together, and that means keeping the lovely new house too.
I am not sure how to mention my concerns without preaching (and thus being cut off as a confidante)
Symptom # 1 Unable to meet responsibilities at home, school or office.
Symptom # 2 Continues to use substances or engage in behavior even when it is dangerous.
Symptom # 3 The need increases to engage in behavior or use more of a substance to achieve the same effect or feeling.
Symptom # 4 Has tried but failed to stop using the substance or end the behavior.
Symptom # 5 Continues to engage in the behavior or use the substances even when they are aware of the dangers.
Answering yes to three or more of the above symptoms during a 12 month period may show that you or a loved one has an addiction. The first step to treating an addiction is recognizing that it exists.
Well, my darling sister can easily answer "yes" to these questions when it comes to spending and I am worried. Her shopping for brick-a-brack and kids clothes is out of control (closets and home bursting with REALLY NICE new stuff. Her husband is no angel either with smoking, motorcycle accessories, other manly upgrades like full digital cable, high speed internet and expensive dinner menu requests.
Between the both of them it has gotten them into some serious debt. When I say serious I mean they are working full time for the stuff they have already bought. It really has gotten so that every payable day is necessary, no sick days, no days off for seeing the kids do something special, even arranging their schedules to minimize the need to use daycare (and thus never have a day off together!).
They don't communicate about it, they justify it like a competition.... "Well if HE can smoke, then I can buy this." and "If SHE can spend $150 on toys then I can buy that new helmet", etc, etc.
Other excuses I have heard on a regular basis:
"I only spend on the house and kids, I deserve a nice house and the kids NEED clothes" (6 pairs of runners for a 4 year old is overboard in my books)
"They were all a really good price, look this candlestick retails at $60, and I only paid $5, I just couldn't leave it there!" (Yet another very nice candlestick for her ensuite, throw for the couch, picture for the wall, pretty dip bowl, etc....)
"The whole lot only cost $200! Can you beleive what a good deal that was?" (massive bag of clothes, sure it's a good deal but there was nothin in there they couldn't do without)
"I work very hard, I deserve to treat myself" (Both say this all the time. Maybe if they treated themselves LESS then they wouldn't have to work SO HARD!)
"Check out my new motorcycle mirrors (or tankbag/turn indicators/seat/grips), with a few more after market accessories this will look like a cafe racer!" (How do you break it to him that the bike isn't paid for yet, so why is he customizing it when the stock parts look just great?)
"I like GOOD food, I can't eat hamburger, chicken or casseroles every day" (the hubby actually had the nerve to say this when sister wanted to trim the grocery bill.)
..... Don't get me started on the smoking excuses, there are dozens of them.
I am worried for them because they acuse each other of being the irresponsible spenders without acknowledging their own contributions to the problem. They compete with their spending, they hide purchases from each other.... they really do!
They consolidated their debt to a loan with their house as the collateral (lein on the home so if they default on payments, it would be terrible!) That was to pay off a car that they no longer have and the VISA. They still have the VISA, and use it, and they bought an old truck as a rainy day vehicle and a mini van as their main vehicle.
They have also fallen prey to thinking about how much equity the house has earned since they bought it (hence the consolidation loan). They feel like they are ahead and since they can sell it for more than they bought it for, they can always sell and come out ahead. This one kills me as I have thought the same thing so many times! (Uh-- reality check here sissy -- if you sell it, where do you move to that will cost less per month? You still need a roof over your family's head, and you have to live where you can get work!). They did buy at a good time, but they also bought the maximum amount they could qualify for on their incomes, and therefore couldn't even afford to buy their own house NOW if the interest rates go up even a few percent! (shudder) Sister is counting on promotions, raises etc to keep up with inflation... not a bad plan, except that they are really depending on it happening.
OH YA! To top it all off, my Sister HAS gone bankrupt before! And although it was a business venture that failed for that one, it was poor money timing and overspending for the business that caused it to go wrong and even worse, default on a loan that our stepdad co-signed for! She washed her hands of all responsibility after she declared bankrupcy and my stepdad was left to pay the loan by himself -- it was a biggie too (convenient for her). It ended updriving a huge wedge into that side of the family and it wasn't about the money for them, it was about the attitude. She doesn't seem bothered missing any of them -- its a shame for her as he is about the best grandpa the kids could ever dream for!
Here is a terrible scenario.... what if.... depression, illness, accident -- what if either of them is unable to make the same income as they do now? Or Sister gets pregnant! Or Someone gets laid off! Any difference in their combined income would be disasterous. They spend quite a bit they could trim if they absolutely had to, but more importantly they SPENT too much already! No matter what, their rather lovely quality of life would need to change drastically... and if they stayed in denial about the whole spending "cause and effect", their lives could take a big crapper.
Would they lose the house? Probably.
Would their marriage survive the strain and fault laying? Unlikely.
In her defence, my Sister has tried to make a budget, shop efficiently, stay out of the stores that aren't grocery stores. BUT the "deals" suck her in and it never sticks for more than a week. She is a very smart girl with lots of spark and employable skills and a good heart, looking out for her kids and being a loving and loyal spouse.... but this whole "pay before you play" money thing isn't really real to her, it never has been.
Why do I know all this stuff? They both are proud of their purchases and enjoy showing me. They both confide in me their money stresses about each other. (Its hard knowing more than their own spouse). It's stressful to see them both so focused on the money and the " things " and not spending enough time with each other. They both work full time, and they both want the finer life that is supposed to go along with that, realistically that means staying together, and that means keeping the lovely new house too.
I am not sure how to mention my concerns without preaching (and thus being cut off as a confidante)
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