ulcers suck

Well.... last night was interesting.

You know how I said I have an ulcer brewing?

Well the darling hubby has had several ulcer attackes over the years, serious enough for the emergency ward to treat him as though he was in mortal danger! Through abstinance of alcohol and watching his diet we have been lucky enough to not have had an episode for a while.

Alas, last night it came back and I took him to emergency (leaving the boys at my sister's rather suddenly). I was worried about him! It looks agonizing, and he is cold, clammy, pale and sweaty, he really does look in great peril!!!! The upside is that even a busy emergency ward treats these symptoms seriously and he was looked after relatively quickly. A quick hook up to the heart thingy confirmed it wasn't a heart attack and after that we were ignored for about an hour. What a long hour full of adult moans and a young girl screaming non stop (it was heart wrenching to listen to). Then a doctor came and 15 more minutes to get the medicine and another 1/2 hour to proove it was working and we were dismissed. It was about 2 1/2 hour total from leaving the hous to getting home. Not bad for the ugly, dirty, dilapitated, over worked hospital we have in this city.

He slept soundly when we got home, and when I finally got to sleep, I had really cool dreams that I was at Hogwarts ~

Packing Packing Packing

I am very happy to report... camping went well for hubby and the boys! He moaned ever so slightly about not having the boat but the lake was warm the boys were good and they allowed campfires at this site! YAY a happy man came home, no accusations, no grumpy.

While they were gone I went out for lunch with some old work acquaintances, had a doctor's appointment, bought a bi-fold door at a lumber store (and a saw) and saw a client's at home office and picked up a cheque. It was very very pleasant and low-key. Then I topped it off with a glass of Benedictine as I made my simple dinner for one, watched "Shawn Of the Dead" (don't hate me, I thought it was clever and funny and I hate horror flicks of all kinds) AND climbed into the middle of my bed with tonnes of pillows, a heavy quantity of blankets and read the latest Harry Potter book until midnight...... sigh...... heavenly.

I had the house very clean by the time he came home (as I promised--- and it didn't take long with the kids gone and the work taken care of-- and as a bonus it STAYED clean until they got home!). I made a yummy dinner in celebration of their return and that was that.

Darling Tai reminded me that I haven't told enough of the people that I love that I am going AWAY for a few days!

My mom's ex-husband's family is having a family reunion and as his "honourary daughter" we are invited! We are heading there a few days early and taking space in a cottage on a lake, a whole week computerless and phoneless.... just with the kids and the hubby, our bicycles and a small boat.

My email is being redirected for my main client and all the other active clients are informed that I am not available. We have told the neighbours and my sister will be caring for Mo, Slick & Slimey, and of course Stanley and her hundred or so offspring (that's the cat, the goldfish and our stick-insects to those not in the know). I have been writing checklists and packing for all conditions --- apparently the weather up there is unpredictable.

Tee Hee. Not as exciting as lets say AFRICA or EUROPE like my other jet setting friends do -- heck, I won't even be leaving the province! But I am happy to get away for a bit anyway.

I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!!!!

the icing on the cake.....

Well isn't this the icing on the cake!

I have been getting funny cramps in my upper abdomin so I went to the doctor's today.

Guess who's getting an ulcer???!!!! The stress is now offically harming my health. YeeHaw.

I am so happy that I am leaving in a couple days for a week!

Maybe I Should Drink

I used to wonder why people drank to escape their troubles. I wondered why they would make a problem worse by adding alcohol. I am really really starting to understand and it's freaking me out..... oh boy.

I have started thinking about how much less the noise of my kids fighting would bother me if my hearing was muffled; how my husband's moods just wouldn't be a factor in a happy haze; how I could just say "*F* you!" to any client that ticks me off if I was reinforced by some liquid courage..... oh boy!

It's 3:45 in the afternoon and the though of a little shot of Benedictine in my coffee sounds like just the thing. Fast acting and oh so smooth! I won't do it of course, because I really would rather face my REAL problems head on. (Yikes a vacation from my senses and responsibilities doesn't sound like an entirely bad thing either. )

(Is it time to head to Italy yet?)

You know what? This is a symptom of a bigger thing. I feel I have too much on my plate! And I feel guilty about it because I really don't have more on my plate than most people. I work and have a family -- yippy-- not exactly woman of the year accomplishments! And I don't even have to do it alone like so many people do. We aren't at war, we are all healthy and the bank account balance isn't giving the man of the house ulcers anymore! So what's my *f*ing problem here?

Every night I make resolutions with myself that aren't unreasonable:
Stick to regular business hours to work. Devote 1/2 hour a day to my oldest son's reading practice. Go for a walk. Put the laundry away. Pre-plan dinner. Maybe even water some plants!

It doesn't happen no matter what my good intentions are. So how about that drink? Anybody want to join me?

A soldier I am not

I was given the unsavoury task Friday morning to fire my favourite male designer!

WAAAAHHH! No explanation, just a short email: "Dismiss him immediately and tell him not to touch anything else". Sure he's young, but we all were once. He has some skills I can't hope to learn quickly and his style is so different and fresh..... I told my boss it was a mistake.... by replying to the email he sent me.

I can't handle it. I don't think I could be in the army to take orders without a damn good reason. Nor could I be a general sending potentially good men out to stupid battles. I did as I was asked, but I will be confronting my boss about it. And it has most certainly damaged my respect for this older (and I thought wiser) marketing guru. I asked him to call me, but he hasn't yet.

I took the talented young lad out for lunch. He was so quiet, so calm, even optomistic despite a bleak financial near-future. He has stuck it out over the last slow couple of months, way more patient and faithful than I have ever been to a job (Hey, if it's not keeping a roof over my head, fed AND giving me satisfaction, I am moving on to greener pastures.)

I will still hire him for my own stuff.... all my other clients love his work and see his potential as much as I do. I truly truly hope his own business gains momentum quickly and he finds a stable and happy job too!

I am very very disapointed in my boss. A hair's breadth for quitting because I don't trust his judgment right now..... nope, not a soldier, not me, I have a strangely vital need for justification in every thing I do. I have to love it or have a really good reason to stay -- ugh.

Cold Porridge

I was in bed the other night, my mind going way too fast to sleep and I was thinking about what it was like to be depressed. Actually, I started out thinking about how happy I am and how beautiful everything looks these days and how thankful I am to be where I am these days.... but that lead me to think about the time when I wasn't that way...

I remember what it was like and it fills me with a coolness in my soul. I was trying to think of a quick, visual and tactile analogy. That closedness, the greyness, the complete deadening of experience...... and I think I have found it.

The feeling of being clinically depressed is like being forgotten, cold porridge spilled onto shag carpet. There is the mushy, tasteless nothingness, the perimeter of your grey, colourless existence seeping away and crusting at the edges, blurring with and bonding to the unpleasantness that you have been spilled on, and the inevitability of just becoming part of it's underlay. No pain, no pleasure, a useless texture and certainty of being worth nothing and even worse and a blind, nagging feeling of if you are noticed that it will be a horrific chore to anyone who discovers you. No perception of anything beyond your lumpy monotone borders, no hope of being anything but a mess, cold to the touch, small in dimension, lost in shrinking, cracking, gooey, lack of experience. You are utterly alone, but too inconsequential to even feel lonely, because that would be feeling something.

I bring this point home because I am the opposite of that right now! The world is HUGE and amazing and oh so colourful! It is crisp and clear and full of the most intense experiences!!!! So I truly hope I NEVER need to go through that again.

And I pray to the gods that love me that my darling hubby isn't there, because it sucks and you don't even know it sucks because you are just a forgotten pile of mush in ugly long strands of carpet.

WAAAA!

I didn't get the job!

He went with the lowest bidder.
Sniff.... I feel rejected.... sob.

He did say he will use me for other things though>

I do have enough to keep me busy, I just wanted to keep my helper busy too!

I will carry on as before with a song in my heart and a spring in my step.....

Full Steam Ahead!

Well, my meeting with the new mystery caller was like seeing an old friend.

Maybe I am imagining it but I felt a good connection. His home office was a MESS and he had 3 working monitors and not a square inch of flat surface was uncluttered..... looked alot like MY office! It was also downstairs and painted a deep red (like mine). It also turns out we know some of the same people (who are very nice folks). We chatted MSN for over 1/2 hour last night so his at home business is a whenever he feels like it day or night operation too! So much in common!

He needs a designer desperately for a lot of his materials. Of course he might not agree that what I think he needs and what he thinks he needs are the same thing, but I gave him a quote to see where we could go. He has another designer working on a quote as well, cross your fingers that I get it my friends!!!!! Timelines are VERY tight, but I want to do this one to set up a new "good-vibe" client. I find out today if it's mine.

Go see www.sonancy.com and see why he needs me! But ssshhhh.... he already knows he needs help so lets not tease him about it!

Opportunity knocks

Today was very nice, it had a slow start but a nice finish.

I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning, but it is amazing how knowing an employee will be walking in the door in 1/2 hour can motivate a speedy morning routine (skip the breakfast).

The boys were wrestling upstairs (one is 8 and one is 4, but it is strangely a pretty even match). And eventually the bigger of the 2 started to sob, immediately followed by the gasping wails of the younger sibling! Yes one accidentally caused a nose bleed and retaliated with a punch in the stomach. Ick. But it turned out fine somehow after they had been banished to separate rooms for a while.

I dragged them off the their respective summer activities and took myself out to the bank and a leisurely lunch of sushi at my favourite little place. But the best was to come.

When I got home the phone rang to a familiar and friendly voice. A long, lost client of mine had a new job and needed a new branding campaign! Hooray! I love this gal and she is the daughter of one of my best clients (I do work for his son too, so I've become a real monopoly on this family's design needs!). Joy of joys! And before I had gotten off the high of that call the phone rings again!

"Good Afternoon!" I answer in my most twinkling, smiley voice. This is where I make the assumption that another of my dear clients is following up on an email proof right when he said he would..... a very friendly "Hi" is the response and I continue with my assumption...

"Oh Hi!" I burst out happily.

"How busy are you lately?" He asks.... I suspect it isn't who I thought it was.... but he could have a cold...

"Not too bad, what so you have in mind?" I answer, Still very happy and optimistic that it is my dear client.

"I gave you a brief outline in the email, do you have time to meet tomorrow?" He asks. (It still could be the fellow I thought, but the voice isn't quite right, but the attitude is very approachable, so I answer with a safe one)

"Sure, where and when?" This question should clear it up!

"11:00 at........." he replies. A-HA! Not who I thought it was! BUT a whole new potential client that I met at a Chamber of Commerce meeting 2 weeks ago! And I remember the email suddenly and I remember his face and all is well because he really could be another "dear client" if my first impression of him is correct!!!

Then I hang up that call and there is another client, a tried-and-true-lots-and-lots-of-billable-hours client that also wants to meet tomorrow morning first thing.

And the dear client that I was actually expecting did call after that and sent me the changes I was waiting for on the proof.... whew.

Within an hour I went from kinda leisurely day to "HOLY SHIT I'M BUSY!" which is very good news as I don't want my assistant to look elsewhere for work!

So I have spent the last 3 hours going over my portfolio trying to clean it up and update it for tomorrows meeting with the mystery caller (he must think I am a very friendly person).

Gone

So sorry for the run-on paragraphs in the last entry!
So hard to read that way!!!!!

I really had made seperate paragraphs -- honest! But when I cut and pasted the image of the spider to where I wanted it, I neglected to notice that the paragraphs had all MELDED together. OOOPS!

Sorry.



Really Sorry......




So sorry....

I love Spiders too

Spider Girl inspired this entry.... I have had a few pet spiders in my day too.... I remember Wilma with fondness, she was my little red bathroom spider that I had after my sister left home and my dad had been diagnosed with Cancer. Every day as I came in there to brush my teeth shower or those other things that happens in bathrooms, I would happily scan around the ceiling until I found her, and she made me smile. The second spider that I could call a pet was a dream one. I had simply the happiest pet dream ever! It was an adorable jumping spider, the size of a puppy and the personality of one too.... from waking up on that dream I have always thought jumping spiders were simply WONDERFUL! And love them to bits. The third jumping spider I could call a pet was Mrs. Spider, she was a rather LARGE orb weaver, the kind that have the orange and brown striped backsides, and she somehow made it into my living room window (on the inside) and decided to stay. I felt sorry for her so I would toss her any stray bug in the house. Mrs. Spider taught my very young son that spiders are actually nice, helpful parts of our lives. Of course they aren't ALWAYS my friends. Like Spider Girl says, it's the UNEXPECTEDNESS of them that is sometimes uncomfortable (heck clothing draped over chairs in dim light have been known to get a little squeak out of me). And there are the downright scary ones, like the time I brough a dresser up drom my basement and happily used it to house my nighties beside the bed..... I went to put on one of the garments and a black, shiny, delicate creature climbed out as I was climbing in! Now I didn't get a chance to see if she had an hourglass on her abdomen.... I was too busy hopping out my patio door and shaking the heebee jeebee's out of myself and my flannel frock!!!! In the right context I would have loved to observe her more closely, but that close to my most sensitive areas, just before bed was not the time nor the place. Just last night a rather HUMONGOUS house spider gave me a shock in my own bathroom. I managed not to scream but instead calmly said "Oh! Where did you come from?" If it didn't look more nervous than me I may have been genuinely scared! It was huge! You know how these things can get big right? Well this one easily could have been cast as a body double for the "Arachnophobia" movie! I felt a little trapped where I was, and when my son called me, I told him I was a bit nervous about something... so of course he came to investigate and he actually screamed out loud and ran away muttering "I wish you hadn't showed me that". I gathered courage after observing that it was frozen in the light (probably hoping I hadn't noticed it), and chased it with a cup. When it decided to move it was startlingly quick! And made a hasty escape to my baseboard heater. The thing had to crouch up to fit, but it did it. I banged on the metal trying to get it to scurry out, but it just balled up its long spiky legged more with every clang. I had to call in reinforcements! I got my husband to come into the room and upon seeing his broad shoulders I reverted immediately to the role of timid female. He removed the cover on the heater and caught it in a basket for me (with me watching from just behind the safety of behind him.... suddenly it occurred to me that spiders that size may be able to JUMP!). I said "are you going to kill it or let it go?" he replied "what ever you want". So I asked him to let it go outside, and it hastily ran for the nearest safe cover of a fallen maple leaf. I am not usually timid with the 8-legged bug eaters in my home, in fact I encourage them at every turn, and when they get too big for my comfort, or if they are obviously lost garden spiders I generally catch them gently and set them free myself. There are always exceptions..... and at least I didn't jump up onto my chair and squeal (this time). And then there was the time I got a spider bite on my ankle. Well, it kept getting bigger and uglier and bigger and uglier until I finally gave up and went to the doctor's. Either a male Hobo spider or Brown Recluse managed to nibble on me (probably from the basement again) and the result was a necrotizing sort of effect of pulpy purple bruised flesh. Really GROSS but not an open wound, a couple weeks of antibiotics cured it, but the scar hung around for about a year. The result of that experience was NOT me being more afraid of spiders oddly enough. Instead, I went on a crusade to find all that I could about the local spiders! I searched on the internet, got books from the library, everything I could. Which spider could have done this to me? What did it look like? What was its normal habitat? The knowledge was liberating and made it way more comfortable to share my home with more spiders! I realized not all arachnids are equal, not at all. There were only 3 that I need to avoid contact with in my area, and 2 of those are hard to find in our modern homes. The Brown Recluse is just that, reclusive, and if you shake your boots out after they have been outside or in the basement, you are unlikely to get bit. The Black Widow is mostly found in tight, dark, sheltered places like wood piles, outhouses and garden sheds.... and their bites aren't serious unless they go undetected or you are a young child or unhealthy adult bit in a sensitive area (if you know what I mean). Now the third one, the male Hobo spider.... much more common, much more aggressive and I suspect it's the one that got me on the ankle. At least they are easy to identify with their violin shape on their backs and "boxing glove" appandages off their faces (I kill Male Hobo Spiders on sight.... hate to admit it, but my children's pink limbs are more valuable to me than maintaining good relations within the spider community. )

See the exerp from : http://spidertrap.com/hobo_spider_information.htm
The Hobo Spider is one of the most dangerously venomous spiders in western North America. The Hobo Spider, originating from Europe began its infestation of the continental USA in the Port of Seattle some time before the 1930's. Most poisonous spider bites in the western half of the USA are due to the Hobo spider. A venomous bite from a Hobo or Brown Recluse Spider can be severe. Necrotic arachnidism results from envenomation (venom poisoning) from the bite of Hobo, or Recluse. It occurs due to the venom's ability to clot blood that results in an area of tissue receiving inadequate blood flow and thus dying secondary to oxygen starvation.

So they are not spared in my world. Now you know and you don't have to fear the innocent and helpful spiders any more! Knowledge is power, ignorance breeds fear and all those fabulously wise sayings hold true here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE Dreaming!

I thought I would take a much needed break from whining about marital issues..... darling Tai has me seeing the light, it's not my burden to internalize it, and I have decided to support where I can and let him be responsible for his own reactions.

Back to the real reason for the blog entry..... DREAMS!

I love dreaming, they change my perspectives on things so quickly that it is sometimes alarming. A while ago a coworker that I was seeing as background noise suddenly became someone I am embarrassed to look in the eyes because of a subconscious nocturnal intimacy.... or a very very nice kiss while making tea in a sundrenched kitchen in my dreams creating a crush that still haunts me when I think about it ~~~~ sigh ~~~~

Much easier to take is the more recent dream, someone I was thinking about being attracted to is now more of a fun cousin thanks to a couple of dreams playing him as my son.... (very cute seeing a 6'4" guy giving me a sparkly glitter glue and construction paper Christmas card that he made himself). Completely changing my perspective and for once making it a much more comfortable place.

I know these are just dreams, my subconscious working out synapses and chemical reactions while my batteries recharge, but wow! Lots of power no matter how much I try to reason my way out of them.

Just the other night I dreamt about my favourite cousin, we were kids again but things were different in that we had a chance to play together and really be friends. It was a fun, beautiful dream and I wish it had really happened. My family was spread out across the country and no matter how much I liked my cousins, we would never had had a chance to be friends really. Poo.

And night before last I dreamt that my life had followed a different path, it was present day, my dad had not died of cancer (he wasn't in this dream, but you know how you just KNOW in these sorts of dreams), and I was single but just getting a relationship seriously rekindled with a JR. Highschool sweetheart (bean) and it was that whole nervous about the feeling, exciting, dangerous risking of the heart and all that, trying to get to know one another.... things I haven't felt in over a decade really. It was interesting really. Can't say I want to date ever again really, but it was still very, very nice to explore that alternate universe of "could have been" for a little while.

I want to go on and on about the other powerful and life changing dreams I have had.... maybe I should another time. I would keep a dream journal, but given the sensitive content....

Eggshells Indeed

Tai, you are right.

(Beware, this blog entry goes off on every tangent)

I am walking on Eggshells, I am constantly gauging his emotions ahead of my own.... and it is a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work! So what are the options here?

I have invested more than a decade of time, huge resources and the very lives of 2 offspring into this equation. That is a whole lot of collateral damage if we can't make it work. I have expressed my frustration and forcibly pried the source of his frustration from him, it was exhausting!

So can we say "you bug me sometimes" and move on? I sure hope it's got a little more mettle than that. He WILL have to accept that I have a thriving career (that I actually LIKE for the most part) .... and he WILL have to accept that I have friends that are even as dear to me as he is!.... and he WILL have to accept there is a man working in my den that is doing a good job and NOT threatening his position as the man of the house.... and last but not least he WILL have to accept that I am not as sexual a creature as I once was (the threats were true -- kids crashed my drive). He UNDERSTANDS these are his issues to battle with, and he says he is embarrassed by them and that's why he hasn't brought it up.... but we all see how effective bottling it in is, now don't we?! Shame on him, says I'm his best friend but isn't honest with what bugs him. Now I am not quitting my job just yet, the income is really very helpful, and I find it just plain great to have a place outside the framework of the home where I am appreciated (poor hubby doesn't)... if my job gets icky or the kids need me that may change. I am not getting rid of the young guy working with me if I can keep him working, cause he is very good and knows more about the programs (he learns business, I learn computers its win win -- not to mention having another "adult" to bounce ideas off of is very very productive!)... AND the sex drive thing, I will see my doctor about it. Maybe I just need some exercise to feel sexier or something.... I'd like to feel that old drive again anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are other things though.... he gets no respect at work and can't figure out why... and now he feels he is getting less at home. It's been diluted since I have been working, so it is an all round dampening of his self-esteem. I simply don't have time to hang on his every word or fill his every request (never did!) the house is more of a mess the kids are pretty much independent and I am writing emails or on the phone from dawn till dusk. He's neglected.... boohoo. Men are babies, you know that, even the manliest of them.

You know my hubby is a manly man (to a fault)! A PROVIDER, a sexual machine, an enforcer, a protector, a fixer of all things broken!!!! But he feels lost right now, his roles, his very identity are threatened. I feel his pain, but I confess, though I want him to be better, I am not stopping my good thing to make him feel more of a man. If he made some changes, like he really wanted things to improve.... like find a different job!.... maybe I would believe him.

Damn it, you are right! What does it take to get some action?! Marrying a negative person was more difficult that I thought. Does he think he deserves this shit?! I don't know, but he needs to show some action soon or I am going to lose my patience! I guess we are going to be up late talking again. He needs an action plan and he doesn't know how to make it. So I guess it's up to me to force it~ sounds evil.... hate to force it on his grown self....

I'll let you know what WE have decided as a team. Ya that's it, a team effort --- with me coaching.