Mountains of Food

Steve has a friend from out of town... he gets off the ferry and I suggest we have lunch.... "How hungry are you?" I ask.

"REALLY HUNGRY!" they chorus together.

So how do I satisfy 2 teenage boys' monster appetites?

Take them to Mrs. Riches downtown Nanaimo and order them a "Mountain Burger"! I've always wanted to see somebody try to eat one of these things. This is no ordinary burger! A whole pound of ground beef, a fried egg, gobs of bacon ham and cheese and massive quantity of veggies (pickles, lettuce, tomato slices and onions) on the absurdly gigantic triple stacked bun! There is enough on that plate to comfortably feed a family... but these two 13 year olds were going to share it.

They were talking a big talk when they ordered, but hysterical giggling at the size of the thing started when it was put in front of them. This sucker is BIG!

Too big for these boys... even without touching the fries and with abandoning the third layer of the bun arrangement. (Leftovers that they happily consumed for breakfast this morning). It was a huge mess, but they were very happy, and they were even given a photo for a souvenir by the restaurant.

The "Mountain Burger" is NOT even the biggest on Mrs. Riches' menu -- they have a "K2 Burger" that is twice the size! The K2 is being featured on a TV food show coming up soon... it's called You Gotta Eat Here.....

Well, I think I gave Steve's buddy a memorable lunch at least.

Fat and Happy

I hope you had a lovely Christmas.... I am so full that it hurts. I've been eating pretty much non-stop since Christmas Eve. So many treats at all the houses, so much good food here too!


T's brother made it on the 23rd from the frozen Fort St John. He brought his faithful bird dog (named "Bird Dog") It's always interesting when he's around, he's a hyper fellow even at almost 30 years old now.

Christmas Eve, Cami and I went to a nearby home to an open house party. The hostess is always throwing these parties and I never seem to go, so this time I made a point of it. My sister and her whole family came too (since it's their old neighbourhood and friends). It was nice to reconnect with all those people, and eat all the fine finger foods. We got home before Santa had even been to Kansas (love the Norad Santa tracker!).

We let the boys open their traditional new PJs and my 2 excited boys hit the hay, vibrating in anticipation of the day to come.We always let them open their stocking first thing in the morning.... and "Santa" always makes sure there is enough fun and sweet stuff in their to keep them distracted for a while.

At 9:00 am we made our way to my sister's house... normally we try not to leave the house, but my MOM came down for the day!!! You have no idea how big of a deal that is! My mom has worked every Christmas day since I was a child!!!!!!!!! So, my sister made a big ta-doo out of it and made a really wonderful Christmas breakfast. The family settled in to open presents after the kitchen was cleaned up, and I think it went pretty well, not too chaotic. My family headed for home at noon to make sure the kitchen was ready to start cooking for the big dinner. I felt a little bit bad because my mom was staying at my sister's for turkey, but we had made other plans already.... I guess you can't please everyone all the time. You see... we already had plans for Prime Rib Roast instead of turkey this year, it had been ordered from the butcher back in November, and T's dad was coming over to cook it. It gets more complicated when you factor in my mom's EX husband and his spouse were coming for dinner too. They are civil but not exactly friendly ex's... and they don't have much to do with my sister or her family either... I'm the lucky one that gets along with all the family members, but it gets very tricky juggling all the different arms of the family for these special occasions.

But I got to see everyone Christmas day... so for that I will be appreciating what I can get.

T's parents and my stepdad and his wife showed up in lots of time to cook and open (more) presents. Then we settled around the table set with all the best! T's mom's mom's fine China made in 1950, my stepdad's dad's vintage red-glass stemware, my mom's GRANDMA's silverware from the turn of the last century (1908!), and all set on top of T's dad's mom's dining room table.... it is TRULY a family dinner table when the finery comes out.

The Prime Rib and all the fixings turned out amazingly amazing, so I think we may do it again next year too... sorry turkey, you'll always have Thanksgiving.

Today (Boxing Day) we hopped on an early ferry to Gabriola Island to see T's sister's family. It was the first time I'd seen their house all finished and I have to say I was REALLY jealous! What a wonderful floorplan, and exquisite finishing and colours. All wonderful (except that it's on that island). T's sister is a fantastic cook, really really wonderful flair with food. Martha Stewart's got a run for her money with this lady's food, and fantastic tasteful crafting abilities! She's so good that I'm nervous around her (and so I talk too loudly and too much when I'm at her place...oops). I digress... the food was great, the visit was very pleasant, with T's whole family in attendance. We ate quiche and ate baking and ate homemade meringue and ate more too.... I'm sure I will explode...

Christmas 2010 is done. And it was very very nice.

Even with all the different family members, the gift giving was very tame this year, nobody went overboard, and for that I am truly thankful. Enough thoughtful things to feel loved (homemade blankets, jam, baked treats) and less of the disgusting bling bling that seems to have permeated the season the last few years. The kids were not flooded, and they seem to really like everything they got.... and were able to thank each gift giver individually and genuinely. I was very proud of them this Christmas, in fact I was proud of the whole family!

To illustrate how well everyone behaved, all the wrapping paper and emptied packages fit into ONE recycling bag. That is a first since having kids, trust me, it's a break through!

How about you?

Did you get your fill of food and cheer yet?

Preparations under control

3....2....1.... blast off!
Hold onto your mistletoes, it's Christmas Eve

Santa has already started his run, and I wish him luck. I hoped he packed his rain slicker, because an umbrella won't work in this wet, windy mess!

As for our house, the twinkly lights are on, the brussel sprouts have been soaked and trimmed, the house is CLEAN and CBC Radio2 is playing some really excellent Christmas tunes from all genres.

I braved the nasty rain to deliver some Christmas treats to the well- appreciated neighbours. After all, a reliable friend next door is an asset all year long. In this cul-de-sac we all look out for each other (with only the one exception), and what is this time of year all about other than showing the people close to you how much they are appreciated? A card, a few chocolate truffles and a hunk of organic white cheddar cheese hardly covers it, but it's the thought that counts right?

And to you folks (where ever you are), know that I am wishing YOU a very Merry Christmas. Stay safe, be happy and enjoy what the holiday brings you, no matter what that may be.

-T

Today Creativity Sparkles

One wonderful side effect of feeling in control of my space (or at least MORE in control than usual) is that I have found my craft materials and space to do the craft! I tracked down the tools and materials from all over the house for my long-time dream of making some earrings. My darling husband even got me a fancy pair of jewellers pliers a few years back and this is the first time I have actually put them to use.

Sterling hooks, findings and beads galore spread out before me on a fabric matte on my desk, I suddenly had a bit of creative block -- too many options!!! So I went to the buffet of homemade jewellry inspiration -- Etsy. 

Not copying anything but getting an excellent jump-start on my creative processes I got to work..... and work I did!

Next thing I knew I had a pair of earrings that I thought were pretty good for a first attempt. And then another, and another! There were some gaudy looking failures, but I just disassembled them and started again.

Wanna See? Here are a few of them....  More to come because it's just too much fun!!!!

I can now cross this off my guilty "crafts that need to be tried" list.

Free Space is Room to Breathe

In the 2 boxes of stuff I took to charity last weekend, some of it was kitchen stuff. It was surprisingly hard to part with these things. A good quality stainless steel mixing bowl set, a pan with egg coddlers (and tight-fitting lid), some genuine tupperware sippy cups. These items have lots of good life left in them, but did not get used in my day to day life (anymore). I have been lugging the mixing bowls and pan around for 20 years (that's how long I have had my own kitchen) but I always chose the OTHER mixing bowls to actually use, and the pan never seemed to be the right one for anything I make, the sippy cups are from when the kids were much younger. Letting go of all these things was strangely hard because they are so useful LOOKING.

Now that a few days have passed, it has been glorious without these things! I can't over-state how wonderful it is to open the pot-drawer to put things away and have SPACE for everything without an inpromptu game of pan-tetris. The plastics cupboard is liberated without the sippy cups -- the teetering stack of colourful plastic is off to a new family somewhere, and now my ziploc containers can be found easier. But the most dramatic difference is in the corner cupboard where the mixing bowls lived. It now has at least a full square foot of more space, tipping the scales from frustrating to functional. I still open the cupboard with a hand ready to catch what may fall out, but nothing does!

It feels like there is more air to breathe as I'm unloading the dishwasher. It feels like just that much less stress as I'm searching for something.....

and so bolstered by this success I look ahead... there are many, many more cupboards.

And since it Tis the Season to support the foodbanks, I will be tackling dry goods cupboard this week. I just heard they always need pasta and cake mixes. (Why do I need 6 flavours of cake mixes taking up space in my cupboard when my husband has high cholesterol and a temperamental gallbladder and when the kids prefer pie anyways?) I could use that space to see the healthy snack choices more clearly! I feel a little funny giving away perfectly good food, but at the same time I feel guilty that it's food from my cupboards that I'm donating (it feels "used"). As long as it's not expired I should feel fine about it though, shouldn't I?

Not being antisocial

I apologize, I'm not being anti-social, I'm just very BUSY (and happy) doing all the Christmas prep stuff.

Cards... sent

Gifts.... bought and wrapped MOSTLY, (except homemade additions...see below)

Decorating.... done in the house, but the outside lights are still in the box in the garage...

Baking.... HAS to be this week because I am doing a baking swap with a friend on Saturday!

Crafts... I am doing up gift baskets for the Grandparents this year. Almost done.

T and my parents are so hard to buy for but I want them to have something special for all the love and geerosity that they show our kids all year. As you know I had a fun time canning this summer, so each basket will have a couple preserves made by ME. Also a couple ornaments painted by the boys (see below), a school portrait of each boy (it has been years since I have bought these so they are long overdue), also some cookies that I have yet to make, and to round it out... a Christmas scratch ticket for fun. I hope they enjoy getting them as much as I am enjoying making them.


Here is Cami helping me with baking ornaments for the grandparent gift baskets (I got the recipe from Simple Dollar)... Cami helped mix, kneed roll, cut out and paint the ornaments too! What a crafty Santa's little helper he is!

The all-important Christmas tree hunt was this Friday afternoon!!! We loaded into the truck and went to the Christmas Tree Farm and tromped far a field to find the perfect spruce....

With our target chosen and chopped, my strong husband carried it through the fog, past miniature perfect trees back to the truck.

Back home, the tree fulfilled it's purpose and was adorned with glittery lights and many year's worth of happy festive memories and ornaments.

I love the trinkets! There are home made ones from friends and family, ones that came from my family tree as a kid, ones that were given to us to commemerate special times, etc. They all have a memory attached and it makes me all warm and fuzzy putting them out every year.

Now if only I can get some billable work done!!!

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Cami won a raffle gift basket full of toys last week! On his own, he went through the basket and selected some things for himself, some things to give his brother, and asked me to share the rest with other kids that need toys for Christmas!  I am so proud of him! I packed them up and took them to our local Boys and Girls Club, they were tickled pink.

Also, 3 more boxes of gently used items left my home and went to charity this weekend and I gave my sister a jacket that I don't wear. Small victories on the chaos of stuff!

Reconnecting

I just got off the phone with my very longest time friend in the whole world.  -- I have been haunting her life since Grade FOUR! She's the one that makes the very adorable sock critters and is a published author, and illustrator and her husband is a musician/photographer/composer (ubber-cool family whether they admit it or not).


And it was exactly what I needed.

We talked about how busy our lives were and all the changes that happen and what was new and some serious things too. Even though it can be MONTHS between communication, we always seem to be able to just chat and chat. I love that about her. She knows I've got a life and I know she's got a life. But somehow no matter how much "life" happens we can just start talking and that's perfectly okay no awward baggage, no pressure to fill each other in before we can be comfortable, no strings attached.

The only stumbling blocks that interfere with our seeing more of each other is that
1) she lives about an hour away
2) we both have kids and therefore already have too much to do any given day
3) She is nocturnal and I am diurnal. I notice when I get a reply email from her it is usually about 1am... I am not awake at that hour unless something is terribly WRONG. Likewise, about 70% of the time that I have phoned her she is usually sleeping (or napping -- baby in the house!!!).
But TODAY she replied to my email while I was at my computer, so I knew she was home and awake so I called! Sly, sly me...

sigh... it was nice to reconnect with a live voice, now back to the busy-ness!

A leap

Spider, I know you argue otherwise, but I feel like such a fledgling at this decluttering process... I see I have the feathers but can't yet fly!


I read the books, I read the blogs, I get inspired and visualize what I want from my space... really map out what I want it to be and feel without the distractions and clutter. It feels GOOD, it feels promise -- it feels like the wind is just right!

Then, when I start actually tackling the things that "don't belong", I find myself swamped with all the things that aren't mine to make decisions about.... or things that make me happy to look at but serve no value to the space.... or things that are way too valuable to the space but ugly to look at.... and that's where it all breaks down.

Let's talk about the stuff. I have stuff. More stuff than I want, but apparently it's mostly going to stay exactly where it is.  Because either it's handy, it's pretty or it's not mine to dispose of. It's very heavy.

I guess I am a little bit bummed that my goal of getting the laundryroom done has been demoted to a dream. ( A goal without a timeline is not a goal, it's a dream says Gail). The timeline has been potponed indefinitely... even with a stepdad willing to do the carpentry part and a neighbour willing to do the mudding and taping for the drywall, and a finishing carpenter that owes me for some cards I did up for him.... because, if the husband isn't on board, it's just not acheivable.

So, I'm not leaving the poop and twig infested nest right yet... it will be my humble home for now -- mess and all. I haven't the courage to take those last few inches that would have me take to the wide open blue... not quite. Can you imagine how freeing it would be to have all the sky to look at?! My mind swims at the idea of open space!!!



(photo credit:/)

Countdown to Christmas

I am in the spirit of the holidays big time!

I find myself whistling the holiday tunes and thinking about decorating (however I won't until December, I just won't). I have started making some homemade presents, writing cards, etc... Might as well get it going!!!!!

The kids are beside themselves with excitement already.

The snow helped.

My boy Steve managed to sprain his thumb on the first SNOW DAY of the year! I got to do some sport's medicine on him. I am no nurse, and have nothing but respect for the medical profession. The sprain was obvious, so I went on You Tube and looked up what to do next.... a crash course in taping a thumb immobile without cutting off the circulation! Now, 4 days later, it looks much better and he says it's feeling good too. I will keep a tensor on it to remind him to be gentle with it -- I REALLY don't want him to permanently damage the thumb ligaments!!!!!

My husband keeps asking me what I want for Christmas..... I'm thinking of asking for dinners out. I just don't NEED anything right now. It's a wonderful thing to say: I am wanting for nothing.

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I donated some winter items to charity yesterday... my kids are growing fast, hopefully their stuff keeps somebody else's kids warm this winter.

Baby, it's cold outside

I am so glad the weather stations warned us it was coming! I had time to wrap my precious fig tree in burlap and pull the last of the bean stalks, put away the tools, drain the hoses, rake the lawn and mulch the garden with a warm layer of leaves. And then, right on time, the temperature dropped, the snow came and everything is a glistening, sparkly white.

I have chosen not to drive, if I can help it, to protect my pretty car from unnecessary exposure to salt and bad drivers. T even made a space for it in the garage (which surprised the heck out of me honestly). So i have been walking up to the school with the wee one. Good exercise in the cold!

And now, A little song of seduction to warm you up on a brisk day:

**** "Baby, Its Cold Outside" is a duet with words and music by Frank Loesser. 1944
 
  The weather is supposed to return to seasonal by Friday we will be back to rain rain rain.... it's a perk living on the "wet coast"... grey and green for the winter with brief periods of white. I like it here.

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight
To break the spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out


Ahh, but it's cold outsideC'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh darling, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your coat - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - I thrill when you touch my hand
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me?
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out

Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
Brr its cold.
It's cold out thereCant you stay awhile longer baby
Well..I really shouldn't...alrightMake it worth your while baby

Ahh, do that again

Mission : Laundryroom

Remember how I said I wanted the laundry room finished by Halloween, well obviously that was much too amitious. My goal is now to have drywall before the new year... maybe? hopefully? if my darling husband has time to help?

What is spurring this renewed focus on the project... Well my mom offered to sell us her 3-year-old whirlpool laundry set for a really reasonable price. The set doesn't have the stacking brackets anymore, but it does have the fancy drawer-stands... so my laundryroom needs a shuffle -- the freezer has to move. It's crunch time -- mom's old set will be here tomorrow morning. AND the buyer for my 9-year old-set pictured below is coming tomorrow evening. I sure hope we are making the right decision here. Our set works perfect now that T has refurbished the heck out of it... my mom's is an unknown (but it is much higher rated than ours).

To keep this in perspective... here are the "BEFORE" pictures....

 

Note: the left bottom shelf is empty... that's because I want to remove it so that the trolly of craft materials can FINALLY have a home. As soon as that shelf is gone and the trolley is away, then I can put the inversion table and the tall fan away too! I have all the nuts off the bolts that hold the shelf in place, but I can not BUDGE the bolts out of the wood. So I am stuck in my tracks... my husband's strength, experience and tools will have to come to my rescue for this.

Then I want to move the freezer to where the wrapping paper station was. I used to be there a long time ago before we got the stacking set. I never liked it there. Ba humbug.

Then I want to take down the cupboards so we can drywall that wall.... easier said than done I think! At least get it boarded before the new washer is installed, right?

Renovations are so much more complicated than they need to be.

Cars with Driving Styles

One of my very favourite TV shows is TOP GEAR on BBC. It's a driving/car review show with some comedy, and very beautiful imagery. I love it.

I've always wanted a BMW, and the show always said time and time again that they are comfortable, beautifully designed, well finished, pleasurable to drive and decent value for money. So that clinched it for me. When I was driving my very reliable rusty old VW, I just KNEW my next car would be a BMW. And with most genuine gut-goals that I make, it happened to happen (sure we almost got a Matrix, but we just couldn't get excited about dumping that much of our hard-saved cash into a bland car). And now my dream is real, I have a Beemer. It's an older entry level version, it has it's quirks and a few warning lights have come on -- and been fixed -- but is still handles amazing and is so thoughtfully designed that after almost a year, the honeymoon hasn't worn off.

But, there is an unexpected side effect to this awesomeness.

I have come to the uncomfortable realization that this BETTER car has made me a WORSE driver.

On TOP GEAR, they always say, "we love this BMW, but we'd never own one because all Beemer drivers are Cocks". It's true! I'm turning into a cocky driver! Nestled in my ergonomically correct driving seat with excellent visibility and intuitive control positions that are easy to reach, I know I can turn on a dime, I know I can accelerate our of trouble, I know I can stop with alarming efficiency, I know this car gives me more control over the road than I have ever experienced in my life (except maybe the dual purpose dirtbike I rode for a while, but that didn't have crumple zones or airbags for safety). So the car not only offers control but also superior safety... damn it the car is smarter than I am!

And I let it be.

Where I used to second guess my lane changes or merging space, I now tackle them decisively.  Where I used to give a polite and generous space for everyone else, I now aggressively take my place where I want to because I am so cocky and confident in my machine. I'm now in a vehicle that isn't holding anyone one up, so somehow I got to this weird head space that means I can always go first now.

BAAH! I make this admission in hope that now that I recognize it, I can make moves to improve Like an addict admitting they have a problem, I think I must admit I am being an ass on the road when I really don't have to be. Right here right now I resolve to revert back to my polite, calm VW driving style when amongst other drivers.... and reserve the lead footed gear shifting action for when it is necessary for safety only.

I have to say here that it's not quite the same in the big old truck. But there is a belligerence to that truck. It is slow, big and loud and there's nothing I can do about that, but I also know that no one is challenging me in it either because it looks like it could do some real damage if I happened to be a road rager...

Are you BRAVE enough?

by Nelson Mandela:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?… Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do… It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am not small. I am powerful in my own realm of influence. I chose to shine  and I give YOU permission to do the same!

Domo Arigato

Wow.

I have terrific respect for Japanese chefs. Today I decided that I really really wanted to make a Japanese dinner. So I double checked what materials I had on hand..... Roasted Nori, Bonito Flakes, Pickled Ginger, Rice Vinegar, Wasabi Powder, Toasted Sesame Seeds, the little bamboo mat, imitation crab, avocado, cucumber, red pepper, prawns.  GREAT! And a list of things I needed to get, tempura mix, a good quality tamari, yam, zucchini, broccoli, eggplant, sushi rice.

With a plan and a list I did my weekly grocery shopping and made sure those things were on the list.

I started cooking the meal at about 1pm. Starting early is not unusual, I've been know to start dinner the night before to get ahead. But the amazing part was the shear amount of labour involved in this Japanese dinner. The sushi rice needed to be cooked properly and cooled with the folded-in ingredients making it "just right for sushi".

As the rice cooled, I watched some fantastic U-TUBE videos about making Inside-Out California Rolls -- my favourite!!! And got to work putting them together. With the right equipment and a properly done batch of rice AND actually having seen it being done right, it all come together quite well. Even with all the fiddly steps and a messy countertop. The results looked really PRO!

With the sushi rolls done, I watched more web-casts for Tempura and the yummy Tempura Dipping Sauce. This was much easier (in theory) than the rolls, but in fact turned out much more difficult in practice. The batter kept looking too thick, and it kept sliding off the prawns in my too-cool, oil-filled wok. In fact it was looking like a bit of a disaster! BUT, I figured out what I was doing wrong in time to save dinner.

By 6pm there was a mountain of amazing food on the table, Tempura veggies (yam, eggplant, zucchini, red pepper, broccoli) and tempura prawns with the amazing home-made dip, and my spectacularly successful looking California Rolls. Complete with pretty square plates, nice soya sauce dipping bowls and pretty little piles of pickled ginger next to the green blobs wasabi paste. it was really a nice looking meal. Colourful and fresh just the way I like it!

It was completely devoured in no time at all.  Five hours to make, 15 minutes to eat, 1/2 hour to clean up.

It was really delicious though, everyone agreed.

BUT, I think it will only be a once-in-a-while dinner.... it's so much easier to go to the sushi restaurant. (At least now I fully appreciate why sushi is so expensive).

I meant to take photos, but it just disapeared too quickly. You'll have to take my word for it, the kitchen looked like a hurricaine struck it and the food was gorgeous.

Smart Man's Words

“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”

- Sir Isaac Newton

I think that is very hard to do -- at least for me.

In the past, I have had the bad habit of trying to force my point. Maybe not making enemies per ce, but certainly not making friends along the way.

Then I married a man that wouldn't argue. If I tried to press my point, he would simply say "okay" and that was as far as it would go. He would let me do my thing (even to a mistake) and never rub it in. After a few fails, I have learned a very very hard lesson. I have learned to LISTEN, really listen to his side before pressing my side. Now, quite often I see where my point is incomplete or flawed before I get there. It helps me save face.

But I'm sure that's not what Sir Isaac Newton was talking about, I think he may have been stressing the importance of good people skills and artful management. My sister is blessed with that skill. Me, I'd still rather be RIGHT than make everybody happy. Bad bad me.

Another walk in the woods

(we have BEAVERS around here! I've never seen one, but I see lots of chewed trees and the dam)

T and my oldest boy went to race their dirtbikes together -- as a team (very cool) and left me and the youngest at home.

Determined to make the best of it, we lounged around together for part of the morning, then went for a drive to my favourite discount organics food store downtown. They have really yummy and unique products at crazy great prices, and their sales on near-expired stuff are phenominal. (Today I was on a mission to get some organic, antioxidant fruit juice and more smoothie mix and some non-dairy "icecream" that comes in some fantastic flavours such as Hazelnut Vanilla, White Peach Medley, and Key Lime Pie for a mere $1.50 per 1/2 litre tub). Cammi and I shared the cool sweet treat while we wandered around downtown -- then when we came back to the car we bought a few more tubs for later.

While we were doing the walking, we went in the very best toy store in town. It has the toy megastore beat in every way. We had so much fun, gleefully checking out the latest in science toys, playmobil and imagination toys. TEEHEE I had to keep repeating to myself that Christmas was coming and no more toys were needed in my house right now!

Upon getting home and putting away the food stuff, we decided the day was too nice to stay inside, so I grabbed the leash and my camera and off we went on the mega-circuit version of our local walks in the woods. What a great day!

PS, I am hating the new photo upload interface for blogger -- too many steps!

Excuse me ... who has deflowered my roses?

I was sorting through my china cabinet today and found one of T's Granny's vases. I thought "Hey! I like this one! I want to use it right now." I remembered there were some of my lovely sunset coloured roses -- crazy as they are -- blooming in November, so I took my shears out to the garden to get a couple for the vase.

I get out there and THEY WERE  G O N E !  I thought I was losing my mind, but upon closer inspection of the stems, they had been very recently snipped. How odd.  Eleven years in this house and I've never had flowers taken without my permission.... at least not that I've noticed.

Don't you think that's odd? I sure do!

I resnipped them more in a clean, proper pruning fashion, and carried on with the china cabinet.... how very very odd.

**************

PS, I took a car-trunk FULL of stuff for charity yesterday. Some shoes with lots of life left that the boys had outgrown, some bed covers that were just too many from the boys' bed stuff, a duvet cover that I don't need, a few toys that I don't think the boys will miss, some books that I have to admit I don't need anymore thanks to the convenience of the internet. And some Christmas pillows that have been taking up room in my storage for way too long!

I purged my prtfolio samples last weekend too. I sat there so long I thought I wouldn't be able to stand up after! (Ain't getting older grand?) But I lightened up by several pounds of recyclable paper! I should do the same with my old tax papers in storage, anything before 2000 can go now, right?!

I'm feeling the love of decluttering again. My work has hit a mellow spot after the flurry of craziness in October, and I'm making the most of it!

Thank you, my wonderful nation, for covering kids' health!

As a young adult I never had a doctor. If I was sick I walked into the evening clinic, no regular physician, no check ups, no commitment. I got my "girl stuff" health through Planned Parenthood (a safe, non-judgemental resource that every youth should get familiar with, whether sexually active or not).

It all changed when, after 3 terrific years of marriage, I got a positive pregnancy test (and double checked it at the PP with a doctor nearby for guidance). I was delighted! I was sure I was ready for the experience of motherhood. After all I did it all in order. Finished highschool, moved out, went to college, got the diploma in my chosen field, got married, got a good job, bought a starter house.... babies are next, right?

Ready or not, we were pregnant, T had a rather underwhelmed reaction "Well the timing isn't great" I think may have been his exact words.... to this day I'm still not quite sure what he thought was WRONG with the timing! No matter what the timing was, I had to find a family physician to take care of me and my growing ward. It wasn't as hard as it could have been. Because I had been going to PP all these years, I was familiar with several doctors that put in their time there. By nature these were generous professionals that cared for young people. And I had a favourite. Good timing too! She wasn't taking new patients, but because I was already pregnant, and it was my first, there are special concessions for that "emergency". I was in!

Now for those that have never been pregnant, and are generally healthy, I'll let you in on something.... if you are scared of needles, doctor's offices or scans of any sort -- adopt! I have never had so much blood taken, been weighted, measured, poked, prodded, scanned, asked to pee on demand, etc, etc, etc. There are a list of things you can't eat or even touch that goes for miles. Not just booze and cigarettes (nobody needs those anyways) you can also cross sushi off the menu and that shot of Gensing in your orange julius smoothy too. No painting, steer clear of your cat box, there are so many things that are normally not a threat to us adults, but can cause untold damage to our developing babies! A lady could get seriously paranoid -- but wait! STRESS can cause developmental issues too!

But I digress. In short, I had way more doctor's appointments that I thought possible for a healthy young lady, and the closer the due date came, the closer I was watched. Then my doctor bailed on me. My "chosen one" had a personal issue and left me with her office partner. Not a bad doctor by any means, just not the one I had so carefully connected with. It turned out okay, there is a nasty horror story here of early labour (no need to go into details today) and next thing I knew I had a baby boy that I had made!
I was terrified!
I felt totally unprepared!
I was also in complete awe of the little life.
and the crash coarse in parenthood began (with surprisingly little direction from those doctors).

But the medical profession has been regularly visited ever since, even without the guidance I was starving for in the beginning. Kids are susceptible to every little bug and they are nice enough to share with the WHOLE family!
Poison hotlines, ambulance trips, broken bones, stitches, emergency dental work, finding out who is allergic to what, specialists with long Latin titles, parasites, choking, and things coming out in great volume from every orifice..... oh lord, motherhood is not for the squeamish.

Of course my boys have their school-enforced doctor exams too. My oldest was given a pediatrician when he was in grade 2 to make medicinal recommendations for his learning disability and ADHD, and his in-turning eye has him regularly visiting the optomologist for glasses.

Now the younger is under the school's scrutiny.
This week has been all about the examinations for him. He had his feet checked, his spine X-rayed, an eye exam and his first visit to his own pediatrician for his learning disability and ADD (no H). EGAD! All the running around for this little boy has me spinning.

Results:
Feet: still excessively pronated, but they are sure he'll out grow it (yay!). He just won't be good at running.
Spine: normal (yay!), just off-posture because of his loosy goosy muscles (same cause as his wonky feet).
Eyes: normal (yay!) headaches are probably from his off-posture
ADD: mild, medicating could be an option but not necessary (not an ideal diagnosis, but we are going to go med-free for this guy!)
Learning Disability: Exacerbated by the ADD. He won't excel in school, but he is a "bright" boy so he will probably coast through dispite his reading and processing speed difficulties. Like his dad, he will tolerate in a half hearted way through school and find his in life as an adult.

It's miserable to think BOTH my boys are just "doing time" for 13 years at school so they can get out and get on with some success at real life.

Though the doctors' appointments are far from done for my rugrats, I do feel like I've cleared a few more hurdles this week.

We have had to dish out for the specialists, glasses, ambulance rides, casts and prescriptions, but I SHUDDER to think how much of a financial strain all the rest of the snotty noses and other routine things would have cost us had we not had coverage through BC medical. Sure we have to pay a bit over $100/month for the privilage... but I think that is quite a bargain when you have children!

fun candy times

 An alien starfleet officer.... who is my youngest boy the rest of the year....

 being handed the loot by a harajuku geisha ghost.... aka ME!....

and a mad old rice-paddy man.... who is my clever teeneager by day.... Trick or Treat!

The rain held off until everyone was back at home. But when it came, it came wickedly hard (appropriate).... so the fun ended by 9pm. Ah well, it was a schoolnight anyhow. Only a dozen kids this year, and not fireworks thanks to our city's stupid bylaw. What can I say, other than the great fun of decorating and dressing up, it was kind of boring.

Witch Fingers

I've been wanting to make these cookies for YEARS! And my little party was the perfect excuse. The cookies were delicious, but the party was boring honestly. Ah well, I'm out of practice with the hostessing thing.

There were no "type A" personalities in attendance to liven it up! And 3 of the guests were over an hour late du-oh!

But, the house looked very spooky and the food was fantastic, so it wasn't a complete flop!

And tonight is the BIG night! I hope the weather holds off for the trick-or-treaters!

boo!

I love Halloween!
I look forward to it every year!
Hanging my doecorations all over the front porch.
Carving Jack o lanterns
Thinking up some costume or other for greeting the little candy-fiends that come to the door.
Helping the boys with their costumes too.

I encourage originality in their dress-up and I also encourage ghoulishness. With mine, I figure the point is to scare away evil spirits, and no fairie princess outfit is going to cut it -- a zombie princess bride might though! I have to mention I am very frugal around all festivals. I re-use decorations year after year and they ALL fit into one tote (including the costumes) but just because I don't deck the place out as a haunted house doesn't make me less excited.

Tonight I am doing something different. For the first time ever I am hosting a Halloween party. Nothing serious, or over the top. Just some workmates coming over to eat some scary looking finger foods as an excuse to all see each other face to face (we haven't all been in the same room since the early Summer!).

what happened?

I used to think searsoutlet was the best thing since sliced bread. I ordered the kids clothes through there, christmas presents for the whole family and treats for myself too. I had confidence in the major corporation's no hassle return policy and raked in gobs of points on the M/C.

The honeymoon is over. Everytime they give the online ordering process an overhaul it gets more and more difficult to navigate. Recently I had a full "shopping cart" ready to go and some stupid navigation error during sign up and lost the whole lot. So I shut it all off. No sweaters, no boys jeans, no gadget for my husband, no new towels.... bye-bye I'm not searching for it over again.

Today I got throught the WHOLE purchase, put in my discount code for the special limited time offer that ended today.... then I got the order confirmation. WHAT?! The discount code was not applied so the purchase was 40% more expensive than I had anticipated! Up in the right corner of the confirmation it said "See an Error? Help is always available" and the 1-800 number for the catalogue orders. That was an hour ago. They can't seem to change or cancel my order there it took repeated attempts to explain what I wanted, they tried I guess, because I was on hold several times. I'm not sure they really understood what I was saying, they could have been french-canadian, the accent was subtle. Now I have been transferred and I'm on hold for customer service (for about 25 minutes so far).... what happened? They used to be so good!

If they don't answer before dinner is ready, I will do the un-fun thing of going to pick up my items when they are  ready and then return it all for full refund. It is not my first choice of tactics because I have to drive out there ro do it and there is paperwork involved. AND if I choose that route and still want the stuff, I have to place my order all over agian and do it TODAY to get the coupon code... then there is the risk it doesn't work that time either.... not a nice thought. The alternative is to keep the products at 40% more money than I wanted to pay. Not an appealling option AT ALL!

I think I'm done with that shopping site. I wanted that coffee table, in fact I've been looking for one I like for less than $200 for quite a while, and this one I like, and with the coupon code it should have come in at $120. I was willing to buy it from a tiny photo, but not at full price. Ah well....

Perfect Pet

Indian Walking Stick Insects:
Quiet
Easy Care
Self Propegating
Hairless
Free to Feed (they eat blackberry and ivy leaves)
No Special Equipment Required

I love my little tank of bugs!

URCH!

I have hit a roadblock of sorts with my decluttering/simplifying.

Clothing is easy... if I toss something that it turns out I want again, I can go to my favourite thrift store and find dozens of qualified replacements for really cheap (and so far I have not had to do that)! Same goes for most of the kitchen gadgets... BUT there are other items that are stumping me....

I have furniture that I LOVE that does not fit in this house. My antique, Canadiana drop-leaf table for example.... it's been clogging up my office for years, a magnet for piles of clutter, but I enjoy even looking at it! A monsterous, shiny baker's rack that rolls from one inconvenient spot to another in the laundry/spare room. Again I love the way it looks but it's in the way all the time and it's packed with stuff.

I have furniture that I HATE that is too functional to part with.... mostly storage items. A wooden chest that is functioning as a coffee table in the family room and conveniently stores100s of the kids DVDs, it has a broken hinge and stupid, sharp brass straps around it that are just plain hazardous. A stupid little filing cabinet that serves as a bedside table for my husband (and is packed full of his belongings), ugly and not quite right in the bedroom. My dingy, putty grey, horizontal file cabinet that is also serves as my 2nd desk in the office. Those are things I would happily toss or donate if I had viable replacements.... but I don't.

I have craft projects/supplies that still fill me with creative giddiness at the hope of finishing them one day but are holding me back (for space freedom) at the same time.

I have piles of books that I haven't read yet that don't fit in my bookshelf because I don't want to evict any books that I know I do like for these unknowns.

I have jewelry that I rarely (if ever) wear, but I still enjoy looking at, just junk stuff nothing valuable to anyone but me.

I have SO MANY TOYS in this house that I want to cry out in frustration! But they aren't mine to toss -- or are they? I wish there was some way to talk the kids into letting the sheer volume of them go without hurting them. I think part of my hoarding tendencies of the past have been from my parent's "clean out" sessions in my childhood when I'd come home and things (precious things) would be gone. It hurt. I have offered to "buy" the toys or bribe them with a new toy if they'll get rid of a certain quantity, but it doesn't work for long and never to the degree I would hope for.

Pet paraphernalia.... we don't have excessive things for our pets, a bed and bowls for the dog... a litterbox and scratching post for the cat.... but they are rather large and conspicuous items (especially the wretched post -- but if I remove that, my armchair would be on the hit list!) and not attractive. No pets would be kind of nice actually.... less hair, less stink, less grit and grime.... but I love the furballs so much they are fine companions as I work at home and good to the kids too.

As I swoon at the thought of a semi-minimalist, streamlined home, the reality is there are things I am indecisive about. A place for everything and everything in it's place has not been achieved yet.

New books

It takes me FOREVER to get through a book these days....
I've been reading "the Omnivore's Dilemma" since July and I'm only a hundred pages in!
But I keep trying, because I WANT to read these things, expand my horizons, learn some stuff,etc.

I had the good fortune to find myself in a bookstore yesterday. And I was in a learning mood. So I bought some books! (The first reaction with reading this back to myself is "tsk tsk Tracy, aren't you supposed to finish reading what you have before you buy any more?!" and "NEW books are so expensive, why didn't you go to the library instead?" Well those are academic questions now... because what's done is done, and I'm not going to beat myself up over such an extravagant moment of weak self iindulgence!)

The titles are:

"Edible Wild Plants : Wild Foods from Dirt to Plate" I love grazing wild plants and want to incorporate more of them into my diet.

"Food Security for the Faint of Heart: Keeping your larder full in lean times" because food is a passion of mine, and the book had some great looking tips for making the most of foods I have and spending less on foods I need (and preservation too)... Hey it was published in my backyard -- Gabriola Island!

"One Magic Square: The easy, organic way to grow your own food on a three foot square" this one's obvious because I love my little plot! I am hoping it will show me more about soil conditioning and smart crop rotation and plant groupings to maximize the output and keep the soil healthy at the same time.

"Zero Mile Diet: A year round guide to growing organic food" this one I almost didn't get... I was torn between urban homesteading and some other books too. The "seed saving" chapter is what won me over. I got my saved beans to grow this year, but I think that may have been just luck so I want to know more on the subject. Look at that! It was written by a family in Victoria (less than 2 hours from here)!
A theme here for sure!!! Self-sufficiency and being intimate with my food-source are very important to me right now. I've even been researching how to keep chickens!!!! (but no matter how I look at it my yard is not really suitable - boohoo).

Don't you love a new book sometimes?!

Clutterbutt Truisms

I read another decluttering book... this one is a little bit different:

Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?:... By Peter Walsh

It wasn't quite what I expected, not as much on decluttering as it was about being fat, and how the home environment impacts that. I have been blessed with the means to make healthy food choices (most of the time) for me and my family, so that didn't really resonate as deeply as it might have if I was uncomfortable with my weight. but there were a few "stuff-related" gems that I found very inspirational. Here is the "thirty seconds or less " excerpts that spoke to me the most:

• Don't start with the "stuff", start with a clear idea of the life you want to be living!
• Ask yourself "What is it I want from my life"? 
• Be mindful of what you bring into your life, is it worth the energy? Is it honouring your goals?
• Do I honour and respect my space, my time and my body?

So, what do you think? Do you agree that a cluttered household can lead to a fat lifestyle? And that being overweight (and unhappy about it) can lead to gathering clutter?

Nowhere better to be

Here is a snapshot I just took of my boy with his buddy working on the "project bike". I am so proud to see him getting into something REAL (unlike TV or video games). Sure he gets dirty and may even hurt himself somehow, but he is getting a skill, learning cause and effect and building confidence with every successful step!

This weekend was less interesting than last. We did more decluttering and cleaning and laundry and I worked 1/2 of my Sunday finishing up some projects with impending deadlines.... but there is still some yummy food being made -- Slow cooked Chipotle Braised Beef and from-scratch corn bread tonight!

And the sun is shining! Lots of walks in the woods!

My crazy garden is still producing. Just when I thought it was done I pulled off a handful of baby zucchinis (frost is here so I don't think they'll grow) and I'm STILL getting GREEN BEANS and the spinach looks great. That little plot gives me so much joy, it's amazingly gratifying.

So the house was the place to be (other than a run to the recycling centre and returning some bottles) and I like it that way!

A Wonderful Break

My nights have been full of vivid and varied dreams these days... some of which leave me breathless with terror, others taking me to new levels of fantastic scenerios. It's been wonderful. I have always loved dreaming beyond monotonous repeats of daily events. And the last few nights have really taken me places I don't usually go. I could really live without the nightmare parts though... it takes me forever to resolve myself to go back to sleep after some of them!

That is my night life -- then my days for the weekend were just as adventurous! Can it be true? An adventurous weekend!? Okay Saturday started way too early int he morning preparing the house for the big dinner.... scrub clean, vacuum, dust, pre-prepare as much of the dinner as possible and clean some more.... The good news is everyone pitched in. Even the boys made sense of their rooms!

4:30 rolled around and I was proud of what we had accomplished. MUCH cleaner and tidier too! And all the food was on schedule for a not-too-late turkey dinner. Guests all were punctual. My sister was able to make it with her family, my husband's sister brought her family and my in-laws rounded the group off to a full house of 15 for dinner. It wasn't really that bad -- sure it was LOUD, but everybody brought something to eat and thankfully all the cousins got along REALLY well!!!!

The menu included a giant turkey, gravy from the drippings, mashed potatoes, from-scratch stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, candied yams, brussels sprouts (my fave), freshly kernelled creamed corn, a yummy chick pea salad, a bright crisp waldorf salad and croissants. Our tradition is to have a cran/raspberry juice mixed with ginger ale as the dinner beverage. Mmmmmm! And home made apple pie and pumpkin pies for dessert (with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream topper). S-O F-U-L-L !

And at the end of the evening, the clean up didn't actually go too bad. The kitchen was clean again by 10pm. And my plan for limitting access to the toys worked out well. All 7 kids had a great time with the few things they had access to, making tidying easier than usual.

Sunday promised to be a beautiful day! So we decided to go for a ride. It's the first time I had been on my bike since we had been up to Fort St John! But all was well. I was nervous that I was too out of practice, but it came back quickly. The temperature was ideal, even though it had rained cats and dogs the night before and all the puddles were huge and lake-like. That was my downfall -- literally. I crashed my bike (for the second time ever) and ended up doing a swan dive in all my gear into one of those lake-like muddy bodies of water after riding too high up a tree root (in an attempt to get around). Of course there was an audience, another party of riders was waiting to cross on the other side. And of course my 9 year old had no problem crossing before me! (Cammy was really on his game that day-- I was very proud). T rushed in to my rescue and picked up my bike as I rubbed the mud out of my eyes and wrung out my gloves a bit. I rode the rest of the way out of there on my own. And the rest of the all-day ride went swimmingly (pun intended) with my soggy gear and bruised knees. We found 2 lakes that made being muddy all worthwhile (sorry the camera was safely at home). And we were home by 5!

While T unloaded and cleaned the bikes I whipped together a fast, hot dinner and then we all went to the pool (and hot tub!) to enjoy some relaxing water therapy.

Monday was quiet.... blissfully so.

So, how was your Thanksgiving Weekend?

Focus

In an age of multitasking, and multimedia streaming in from every direction at many megabytes per second, it is sometimes hard to remember what is important.

Not just important in the broad sense of the word, but what centers and grounds your very own soul personally.

There are a few exercises that bring me to a happy grounded place and refocus me. They have been my own since I was a kid.... "what if" is a favourite. It's a game me and my sister invented on our many hours commuting between parents, and I think it kept us pretty sharp (if I do say so myself). What you do is say thing like "what someone gave me $1 million?" And come up with ANY answer you want. There is no wrong answer and it can change every time you play. Then there is the more challenging questions like "what if I lost my eyesight?", "what if there was an earthquake and power was off for days", "what if I was suddenly alone?" These last questions are more challenging, but I think they are just as revealing to our focus. Somehow by going through the exercise I feel less afraid of such a thing. It helps me be thankful for my here and now in a very powerful way.

Across the street, the family of my lost neighbour gather and deal with the aftermath of a "what if" that no one wants to realize. But I saw in the paper today the obituary -- and it was beautiful! It was a detailed, shining tribute to a vibrant couple, it sounded more like a celebration of their achievements in life than a disparaging of their loss. I respect that. They (even in their grief) have found a positive focal point.

For the record, this Thanksgiving will be a genuine time of thanks for me. I am preparing a feast for my extended family, with all the trimmings, and all the love I can give them.

I will also be taking some time just for me this weekend with another centering exercise that I really enjoy. Sitting down with a pencil and some graph paper drawing houseplans. I love building the imaginary rooms and walking the halls in my mind. Sometimes it is a mansion - dream home with no restrictions, sometimes it is a garden gazebo/screened-in retreat with a hammock inside. (Lately I have been particularly attracted to traditional Japanese construction styles. The proportions and quality and use of light and shape so carefully calculated....) It sounds selfish, but after I've had a chance to draw some houses for a while, I feel so much better equipped to deal with the little things, and more pleasant with those around me. I have done this since I was in grade 4 (that I can remember), it works for me so I'm not going to fight it.

Embracing a new relationship with my STUFF

I decluttered my bedroom this weekend.

I cleared all unecessary things from the flat surfaces.

I dusted and vacuumed.

It looks really good!

I want to go farther with it....

I want to remove the small wallhanging TV and the DVD player too. It's not hooked up to cable so it is just for watching movies while I fold the laundry in there. T hits the hay way too early (same time as the kids) so I never get to watch movies with him there at night.

I'd love to remove one of the dressers, so I need a different place to put my beloved PJs so I can have a sleek little nightable instead. If I can pare down my closet even farther, it may be do-able.

I have to make some tough choices for bed coverings. I love to look of many throw pillows and changing the bed cover from time to time. BUT I want to space more than the pretty things. I have to decide what I am keeping (maximum 2 pillows, maximum 2 covers).

Yes, I think a minimalist bedroom may be just wonderful, restful, no distractions, easy to clean!

That is the beginning. A small step to a new relationship with my STUFF.

No longer the security blanket that it used to be, I want to be free of the smothering layers!!!

We chose to get the dog and the cat. They equal an amazing amount of dust, hair and grit. Since they are good companions and are fulfilling all of their pet duties very well, I can't blame them for their natures. I therefore must deal with their mess.

It is true that the less clutter you have, the easier it is to clean. As much as I prefer a home that is cozy and decorated slightly country.... it just is too much to take care of with pets and kids! I am a stay-home mome, but not a full time homemaker because of my contract work.

I would actually love to have the time and temperment to do be able to keep up with it all.

Thank you for supporting me on this journey, I am finding myself apart from my belongings. It's a tough revelation, and I'm sure I will slip.

Spider, I think you can help me stay accountable.
Tai, you can continue to inspire by being a perfect model.
Wolfgrrl, you show me that life can be full and creative in a small space.

and the regular visits to my favourite declutterin/minimalist blogs to keep me going!

DON'T PANIC!

(Don't worry, this is not about me)

So, your significant other has not listened to your feelings AGAIN. It's hurting every day knowing your opinion and values do not count in the relationship and you are tired of compromising on ever single thing, because he won't compromise. You make good money and even though you are working 50+ hours a week, you feel you are doing the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning and yardwork AND are the primary caregiver for the two lovely children you brought into this world together. The man that you married "for better or worse" feels doing his part is occasionally doing the dishes and a load of laundry once in a while. The rest of the time he is absorbed in his own hobbies, TV, internet, fishing and all the fancy stuff that goes with it.

Conversations always end up feeling like lectures from him. It feels like there is no room for actual communication, so small talk is the only safe way to talk to him without ending up feeling either angry or worthless. You have mentioned your unhappiness in every way you can think of, you have pleaded, made lists, made ultimatums to no difference.

Ironically, he has expressed that he is not happy with the way things have turned out either. He wants much more intimate time (nudgenudgewinkwink) and thinks you spend too frivolously (but all of his purchases are necessities, of course). He can't see why you won't learn to accept the way things are will not be changing.

You express that marriage counselling is needed. He agrees to go. You learn that he has been before (with his ex wife to 3 other marriage counsellors)! After the sessions are over there is no discussion, apparently that's enough talk on the subject. He is nice, but nothing has changed, nothing of consequence.

The roof is within a couple years of necessary repairs and it's a big roof. But when the husband sells his motorcycle (at a huge loss) he already has plans for the money.... a purchase that you see as very selfish and useless compared to a roof. A large object that will depreciate and can only be used seasonally. You are dead set against the purchase and have said so right to his face.

While at work, you discover he has taken the kids to the mainland to complete the purchase.... your opinion is completely dismissed -- again.

Now what? You are LIVID. It is the last straw -- when will it end? When will you be heard?

You feel like a slave to this life. You feel like you are wasting your life being ignored at home and wonder how long it will be before the kids start copying daddy.

So?

The options are: to stay in this dysfunctional relationship, inadvertently showing the children what a loveless marriage of convenience looks like, enjoying the big house and dual income and all the toys, carrying on as the dutiful silent wife..... or plunge into the unknown, forging ahead without their father with the hopes that this gives the kids opportunities to find real love, the money will be tight and there is the risk that the daddy will bad-mouth mommy to them... and a risk they will be scarred by the experience!

He is by most definitions a decent man -- that's the kicker. He doesn't screw around, gamble, drink in excess, hit or even argue loudly! He adores his children (especially if they aren't interfering with his TV shows) . It's what he doesn't do that is the worst of it. He doesn't listen, he doesn't help, he doesn't put effort into any relationships, he doesn't respect anyone's opinion but his own and he won't risk his own comfort even to save his marriage. He will say things like "one day I'm going to teach you X...." and "I'm not doing what you say because that would be stupid" and "if I had more s3x everything would be okay" and other asinine statements that are poorly worded and disrespectful.

I am so blessed that my life is not the life described above. But unfortunately it is the life of someone very very close to me. I have no advice for her. This is so far beyond my realm of experience and the consequences too serious.

A whole family is on the brink of shattering.

sigh.... the one thing I did say was that I am proud that she is thinking so hard about it, she is weighing it with the seriousness it deserves. Her primary goal is to do right by their kids. 100%