Maybe if I Cared Less....

I remember one day when my 1st born was still fairly little, I had my mother in law over for coffee and I was sobbing in frustration "Why is this so HARD?" I was talking about parenting. She said something that really stuck with me, she said that it's only this hard because I care so much about doing it RIGHT. And of course she was right.

There are lots of really neglected children that actually grow up to be adults! Their parents carrying on as if they didn't even have kids, as if the raising of a human being is no responsibility of theirs and not accepting one bit of guilt or fault for how their offspring turn out. There are dad's that walk out (and mom's too) and, more socially acceptably, there are parents that dump their kids on nannies or grandparents to do the heavy lifting. (I have to admit, this last option as a part-time one would be AWESOME).

This job is only this hard because I've taken it on as my responsibility for these boys to become decent men... and by "decent" I mean: Kind, Responsible, Productive, Smart, Hard Working, Law Abiding, Financially Sound, Healthy, Skilled Men.

And also I want them to be confident, independent, with good self-image and a comfortable sense of humour and easy interactions with others.

At the moment I am struggling with fostering many of these attributes from my boys. Mostly because I don't want to FORCE it. I WANT them to develop these things easily and naturally ---- LOL!

I am confident they will turn out fine. I just can't help but wishing them to have the very best chances to meet their full potential. Learning disabilities, stubborn personality traits (from the boys AND me) and tight financial limitations are always hindering that dream.

Priorities are set, tried and often abandoned because life changes or the reality doesn't fit with the dream.

I think (maybe) I have found a balance with the older boy at last... I trust his judgement as good and his intentions as honest. His follow-through isn't always great, and he has NO work ethic built up yet (oh man, I hope that comes soon!) but his heart and sense of humour is something I am very proud of.  The younger is a tougher nut to crack. He has such a gentle heart, he is easily swayed by his peers and his sweet, quiet disposition gets him conveniently overlooked when he SHOULD be paying attention or staying on task. By the time anyone notices that he HASN'T heard the lesson, or done the work, it's time to move onto something else. It happens at home as often as at school. He just looks so content that you have to assume he's got it all together!

My goals for their educations have been downgraded over and over - and over. The only thing I am praying for now is that they get their Highschool Diplomas. I guess I care "less" about them making lots of money at careers they find rewarding... now I just want them to be employable and maybe be able to afford a hobby they find rewarding instead (ugh. That's not all I want for them, but I will have to be content with the idea for their sake).

Parenting is a strange task.... my ego is permanently intertwined with their performance/behaviour. And my heart is completely dependant on their very existence.

Knowing is Half the Battle

I did the budget.
I went over all of the expenses for 2011 (fixed, variable & "one-time")
I added up all the income for 2011 (steady, variable & unlikely-to-repeat)
I anticipated the monthly costs for fixed expenses based on past costs/increases
then I figured out how much was left for the variable.
The prognosis is not wonderful thanks to everything costing more this year! Medical went up, hydro went up, fuel went up, internet went up, house insurance went up, property taxes went up and food went WAAAAAY up thanks to a very hungry male teen in the house.

(Clothing and entertainment are costing no more than in the past, and phone, car insurance and home maintenance seem to be holding steady too.)

Unfortunately T's income did not go up, and I saw a slump last year.

The good news is that I do not have to bring in a whole heck of a lot to make ends meet even with these increases everywhere. Part time is still good enough, and I am appreciated so much at home that working away would be very very hard if it came to that.

I'll keep a close eye on things and campaign for more work so we can keep ahead of the game.... it's not a lost cause by any stretch... just walking an uncomfortably narrow path in increasingly deep woods.

My husband feels embarrassed that his income alone is not enough. (bless him for that). But he wants me at home as badly as I want to be here, and as much as the kids love having me here too. IT WILL WORK because I can work from home.

I feel more informed after this exercise. And knowledge is power, so I feel more powerful too!

not quite 40

I'm still in my 30's...

...for a couple more months anyways.

My 30s have been pretty good to me I think. I have everything I'd hoped to have by this time of my life (not saying my life is for everyone, but it is right for me). I'm a planner... and I must be okay at it because so far things are right on schedule. The only thing missing is the financial stability I was sure I'd have by now. Hey, it's not exactly bad, it's just not AS good as I though it would be by now.

I am smarter about some things now than I was 10 years ago.

There is now a greater appreciation for my health, a greater appreciation for the kindness and reciprocity of friends. I have a more realistic appreciation for the liquid properties of time, and the limited amount available in one lifetime. That was the hardest lesson so far.

But with the time passing so very quickly, I have felt pressure about the choices that must be made for this life. I cannot be everything I wanted to be. It's almost ludicrous to think I will finally get to design for a car company (not that I've tried very hard mind you). It is improbable that one of the inventions I have made in my head will reach production (but maybe one of my son's will?). Designing my own home to build and live in may not happen-- regrettably I have to accept it might not. And the dream of having an acreage for my children to play on seems to be getting more and more unlikely as each year passes (because my children are getting older and because the money hardly seems worth the change).

As hardened as I am with the reality of my mortality, I still feel very wide-eyed and full of wonder at all the stuff that this world has. No matter how old I get, I hope to keep that. Feathered frost creeping across my windshield has caught my breath with it's infinitely intricate patterns! Cresting the hill to see the sun hitting the far away coastal mountains, across the straight and so far away, the sight makes me gasp with the grandeur of it. Finding the perfect, fresh ingredients gets me giddy with the possibilities. I delight in the softness of my cat's soft fur and my dog's goofy antics. The stars in a clear night render me humble, small and happy. Seeing a tiny spiderling spin a line to catch a light breeze gives me boundless hope. I get a lot of joy a lot of the time... this world is full of magic, beauty and I love being alive!

First Snow

Nothing like waking up to a pristine, sparkling, white landscape to put a new perspective on life!

With a winter wonderland gleaming outside I felt to courage to email past clients to let them know I was thinking of them... how do I let these precious people get out of touch in the first place?!

Now, I will sit cross-legged on the floor and sort my papers to get organized for my year end. Then budget to feel in control!

It's very pretty out there right now, and I am warm and cozy.

Something is amiss

I'm not sure what's going on, but I am experiencing a phase of acute distress.

I don't trust my body, I don't trust my income, I worry about my children's future and am sure my pretty little car is going to die any minute...

Is it because Steve is needing almost $7G of braces (we have to get started before the summer or we will miss a growth window)? Or maybe because I have NO work lined up right now?

Or maybe because yesterday during my easy yoga class, my stupid body wouldn't go into plank or downward dog.... my thigh muscles just wouldn't do it (so I dropped into child's and had a quiet cry while the class that had seniors and overweight mid-lifers happily posed without me).  And my Achilles tendon screams at me even just walking up to the school (I went to see the doctor and should have the ultrasound results this week)

I have to be proactive and slap myself out of this funk.

First of all...I MUST BUDGET. Math always has a way of cheering me up with it's concrete reality.
What are my fixed expenses?
What are my necessary variable expenses?
What are my variable luxuries?
What is our reliable income?
What do I NEED to make to fill in the gap (if there is one)?
Where can I trim expenses?
What can I liquidate (if I must)?

Next.... I must campaign for work more aggressively. This is tricky because when I am feeling this down, I don't have the confidence to come across professionally nor do I feel like competing for contracts.... vicious circle.

And I must continue decluttering, continuing going to yoga, continuing campaigning for my children's education and most importantly be thankful for the things that I DO HAVE (love, home, family, friends, freedom.... etc etc)

Hair Today.....

Is this too extreme for me? Not the blondeness, I was thinking of the cut itself....

(photo credit of Michelle Williams

John Shearer//Getty Images)

(photo credit of Michelle Williams

Frazer Harrison//Getty Images)

(Me as of this very minute....)

Obviously I'm feeling like a major change with my "look" again. This hair thing seems to be cyclical for me (long, shoulderlength, short, long, short, shoulderlength....). It started when I was visiting a friend that I haven't seen in a while last week. She has sported a pixie-cut as long as I've known her, and I always feel a little wistful of my short-hair times when I hang out with her. She did remind me that short hair means frequent visits to the hairdresser (so there is a cost involved), but that daily care is easy peazy. 

Not that my hair is particularly difficult anyways. I wash, deep condition and air dry (but at a certain point of dampness I must be vigilant at getting it into a low bun to get it smooth -- if I miss that timing, it's frizzy chaos!) 

All in all my hair goes in the directions I like and it's at a length where up-do's are quite easy.... and therein lies the problem... my hair is ALWAYS in an elastic or barrette... wearing it down is annoyingly in my face, but when I am in my car the ponytail is annoying on the headrest so I tear the elastic out while I'm driving only to put it back up the second I park.

Not a big deal... and I feel a little silly mentioning it honestly. But if I'm wearing it up all day anyways, why am I keeping it longer? (cause it's so pretty?) I am vain about my locks. I really like brushing it. OMG I can't believe I'm admitting that.

I asked my darling husband and he said he's used to my hair long, but then again he fell in love with me when it was really short, so I don't think long hair is on the top of his hot-features-list.

Boys Will be Boys

Bad news.

My oldest boy has been at it again.

He hurt himself doing fun boy things --- again.

This time he used his hatchet. Theoretically he was cutting trails in the woods, and he was holding something he was chopping. His left hand got in the way, and now he has stitches (again).

Why do they have to learn the hard way? Telling them a million times doesn't make them careful enough.

The 2012 Transition

Wow, I have been quiet lately haven't I?

No excuses. I guess I was just being e-lazy.

Since getting the tree it has been all the usual chaos and traditions that go with Christmas. There was thoughtful present purchasing, wrapping, entertaining house guests (and their big dogs), lots of cooking, even more eating, feverish cleaning sprees, more house guests.... and mixed into all that was the regular routines of life and work.

It went very smoothly all-in-all. The big day came and went with a flurry of pretty paper, new toys and very very full bellies! We had 11 for the big breakfast and then 16 for dinner, so the house was rocking the whole day long.... I cooked A LOT, but had really good helpers too. If someone offered to help, then I put them to work.

By the 27th, the tree decided to drop it's needles (how come some trees keep their needles for ages and other can't wait to drop them all?). So between the 3 dogs shedding and fir tree needles mixed into every nook and cranny, I decided the one mess maker really could go.... so it went! The kids were surprisingly okay with the tree coming down so soon. In truth it had done it's job and done it well. This tree had created some cozy memories while displaying the trinkets we only get to see once a year. It glittered joyously in the evenings and built anticipation with the growing pile of bright packages underneath.

The good news is that even though everyone got "less" for Christmas this year, the kids didn't seem to notice, and the grown ups were all good sports too. I still managed to feel spoiled and the kids still managed to get the top thing on their list (grandparents are great for making dreams come true). There wasn't that gift-overload that seemed to happen in other more prosperous years! I think a valuable lesson can be learned from this.

After the tree was gone, the rest of the festive items came down bit by bit. No hurry. But for some reason I really prefer to have the most of it put away to start the new year fresh, I always have.

New Year's Eve was quiet... as normal for us. We stayed up, then drank some sparkling apple juice in champagne flutes at midnight. Then we munched on some genuine Italian Panettone cake (not sure when this became a tradition in this household, yummy) and hit the hay. Fireworks aren't allowed in the city limits here anymore (bah-humbug) so everyone is quiet.

The house guests left crazy-early on the 2nd, it was fun having them here even with the extra dogs.

And now we are over a week into 2012!

Yikes!

What will 2012 hold for us?
Well, for certain, I will turn 40.
This laundryroom WILL get finished!
My boys will grow
I will continue to make myself available to my family's needs.
Yoga on Mondays
.... and the rest? Who knows!