Here it is, the day before the last day of 2005.
It will never happen again, it always fills me with a weird feeling when I think about that. But then again, the year is just a marker, a referrence point that everyone can understand and it has no other function.... so its not that sad.
I know everybody and every generation is sure they will witness the end of everything.... my dad learned how to hunt because of that. My grandpa had his own society off the grid. T's folks were self-sufficient growing their own food and no plumbing nor electricity for years in the 70's. Of course I follow that belief too. Maybe it is a way to deal with the temporary mortality? How about the END of the Mayan Calendar in 2012AD? There was that weird thing in the news a couple years back... huge panic over a guy who found a comet heading straight to Earth big enough to cause more destruction that the one that made the gulf of Mexico and liberated the dinosaurs from their mind-bogglingly long time as dominant creatures on our planet. Or the neat magnetic bands that run the center of the fault line at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean..... it seems every 10000 years or so the magnetism of the Earth switches North to South.... what disaster would THAT spell for our society as we know it?
.....
?
12.30.2005
12.25.2005
Christmas was great!
It's hard to explain, it just happened..... I had a WONDERFUL Christmas 2005!
It started on the 21st when my darling Tai came over and spent the night! We had a nice low-key visit (and she snuck a gorgeous card on my mantle too) and the next day we slipped away for a very tasty lunch at a decidedly-not-kid-friendly popular spot downtown that I almost never got to go to. Thanks Tai for a very nice visit on your way home for the holidays. She is excellent therapy for me. Passionate and full of real life, she knows me almost better than anyone and is my best cheerleader when I need one! Sometimes I forget who I was and settle for who I am now, that is why the longtime friends are more valuable than anything, they remind you of what is important, and where you come from.
"Uncle D" came to visit on the 23rd bright and early. He is staying with us until he has to go back up to Fort St John before New Years. I always love it when he comes to visit. He is 10 years younger than T. As his "baby" brother we love his energy and intelligence. (He is a wingnut living the crazy Northern bachelor life of riding his bike off the roof, dirtbiking all day and getting stuck in the mud at every opportunity! All this in between jobs driving very big machines) He is an effortless house guest. He rarely is around for meals, sleeps in the basement, comes and goes discreetly, keeps the kids entertained ALL the while he is around and is a very nice person to boot. Oh ya, and T is always in a good mood when his brother is in town!
On Christmas Eve Day T and I did a deep clean on the house to prepare for the Christmas mayhem, then the weather cooperated after lunch and we loaded up the dirtbikes for a few terrific hours of riding before dark. T, D, Cam, Steve AND ME! all had wheels. (D always his down!) We zoomed around in a nearby pit that is still open to off road vehicles. FUN was had by all. I couldn't believe how balmy it was, it must have been 16 degrees out there, I was actually comfortable with a light sweater! PERFECT riding weather.
Everyone came home happy and worn out, we had a late Christmas Eve dinner of Soft Tacos... then I let the boys open 1 present (preselected by me). Cam opened a jacket, "ya, this is cool!" was Cam's reponse (bless his little heart, it was a genuine reaction too). Steve was a bit cooler... a look of utter disgust as he tore into the gift and found batman pajamas and a housecoat. He warmed up to them after he tried them on and he even said thank you just before bed admitting "These are actually really nice mom."
My duties as a "Christmas elf" took over as they finally slept....
The stuffing of stockings and cramming of gifts under the tree. A good haul by anyone's standards, but without being an obscene display.
Steve woke in the wee hours to exclaim that something bumped in his room!!!!!! Thankfully the same noise woke me too. No it wasn't Santa, it was Cam's water cup falling off his lofty bed. "back to sleep Steve it's still night time" it comforted him briefly (I confess I am not exactly sympathetic to anyone at 1 am though).
Suprisingly, Cam was the first to rise at a respectable 7am. He didn't even notice the stocking on his doorknob was full until after he trudged bleary eyed into the livingroom and noticed the booty under the tree, and ran back to our room to get us up too. We traditionally let them open their stocking right away, but have to wait for the family to arrive to open the big stuff. A stocking full of hotwheels, atomix and rev-ups all fun little cars, and enough to keep them happy for a long while. Then the troops started.... Grandma and Gramps.
We let the boys open our presents then and it was very nice. The final touch was when T told Steve to "go get his shoes off the front steps before they are ruined!" The trick of course was that Steve's new bike was on the front steps!!! It was great a reaction! Cammy gets Steve's old bike now, but with a cool new seat, handle grips and a new back tire. The boys zoomed around in the pouring rain on their new, slightly too big bikes. They had a blast and wore off some pent up excitement!
After that we all settled into breakfast.... Gramps brought the "platter of death" heaping our plates with bacon, sausages, fried ham and Buckwheat pancakes, and huge double-yoker eggs cooked how you like em.
It was really nice. Then T's sister and husband and their 3 kids arrived. It got crazy for a few hours more as more presents were torn into and played with, more food was eaten and general mayhem. After everyone cleared out at about 1, I stuffed the turkey, put it in the oven and cleaned the house top to bottom for the dinner shift.
People started arriving at 4:45. Grandpa R and Grandma J with their surviving parents. More presents to open more food to eat. Grandma and Gramps returned for dinner and we all ate turkey with all the trimmings! Yum yum and lots of desserts too. It's so nice having family so close!
All in all it never got too crazy, it never got too messy and the dinner turned out great in the end. Very nice Christmas indeed.
It started on the 21st when my darling Tai came over and spent the night! We had a nice low-key visit (and she snuck a gorgeous card on my mantle too) and the next day we slipped away for a very tasty lunch at a decidedly-not-kid-friendly popular spot downtown that I almost never got to go to. Thanks Tai for a very nice visit on your way home for the holidays. She is excellent therapy for me. Passionate and full of real life, she knows me almost better than anyone and is my best cheerleader when I need one! Sometimes I forget who I was and settle for who I am now, that is why the longtime friends are more valuable than anything, they remind you of what is important, and where you come from.
"Uncle D" came to visit on the 23rd bright and early. He is staying with us until he has to go back up to Fort St John before New Years. I always love it when he comes to visit. He is 10 years younger than T. As his "baby" brother we love his energy and intelligence. (He is a wingnut living the crazy Northern bachelor life of riding his bike off the roof, dirtbiking all day and getting stuck in the mud at every opportunity! All this in between jobs driving very big machines) He is an effortless house guest. He rarely is around for meals, sleeps in the basement, comes and goes discreetly, keeps the kids entertained ALL the while he is around and is a very nice person to boot. Oh ya, and T is always in a good mood when his brother is in town!
On Christmas Eve Day T and I did a deep clean on the house to prepare for the Christmas mayhem, then the weather cooperated after lunch and we loaded up the dirtbikes for a few terrific hours of riding before dark. T, D, Cam, Steve AND ME! all had wheels. (D always his down!) We zoomed around in a nearby pit that is still open to off road vehicles. FUN was had by all. I couldn't believe how balmy it was, it must have been 16 degrees out there, I was actually comfortable with a light sweater! PERFECT riding weather.
Everyone came home happy and worn out, we had a late Christmas Eve dinner of Soft Tacos... then I let the boys open 1 present (preselected by me). Cam opened a jacket, "ya, this is cool!" was Cam's reponse (bless his little heart, it was a genuine reaction too). Steve was a bit cooler... a look of utter disgust as he tore into the gift and found batman pajamas and a housecoat. He warmed up to them after he tried them on and he even said thank you just before bed admitting "These are actually really nice mom."
My duties as a "Christmas elf" took over as they finally slept....
The stuffing of stockings and cramming of gifts under the tree. A good haul by anyone's standards, but without being an obscene display.
Steve woke in the wee hours to exclaim that something bumped in his room!!!!!! Thankfully the same noise woke me too. No it wasn't Santa, it was Cam's water cup falling off his lofty bed. "back to sleep Steve it's still night time" it comforted him briefly (I confess I am not exactly sympathetic to anyone at 1 am though).
Suprisingly, Cam was the first to rise at a respectable 7am. He didn't even notice the stocking on his doorknob was full until after he trudged bleary eyed into the livingroom and noticed the booty under the tree, and ran back to our room to get us up too. We traditionally let them open their stocking right away, but have to wait for the family to arrive to open the big stuff. A stocking full of hotwheels, atomix and rev-ups all fun little cars, and enough to keep them happy for a long while. Then the troops started.... Grandma and Gramps.
We let the boys open our presents then and it was very nice. The final touch was when T told Steve to "go get his shoes off the front steps before they are ruined!" The trick of course was that Steve's new bike was on the front steps!!! It was great a reaction! Cammy gets Steve's old bike now, but with a cool new seat, handle grips and a new back tire. The boys zoomed around in the pouring rain on their new, slightly too big bikes. They had a blast and wore off some pent up excitement!
After that we all settled into breakfast.... Gramps brought the "platter of death" heaping our plates with bacon, sausages, fried ham and Buckwheat pancakes, and huge double-yoker eggs cooked how you like em.
It was really nice. Then T's sister and husband and their 3 kids arrived. It got crazy for a few hours more as more presents were torn into and played with, more food was eaten and general mayhem. After everyone cleared out at about 1, I stuffed the turkey, put it in the oven and cleaned the house top to bottom for the dinner shift.
People started arriving at 4:45. Grandpa R and Grandma J with their surviving parents. More presents to open more food to eat. Grandma and Gramps returned for dinner and we all ate turkey with all the trimmings! Yum yum and lots of desserts too. It's so nice having family so close!
All in all it never got too crazy, it never got too messy and the dinner turned out great in the end. Very nice Christmas indeed.
12.09.2005
Starting to panic
Okay.... I dressed really nice, I packed my portfolio and I dropped the kids off at school and my sister's. I was looking to impress my old boss.
He was talking fast and being cute, but I could tell he wasn't knocked-out impressed with my latest work.... and I kept interjecting with comments about how "I WOULD have done this or that different if....." (a big no-no at portfolio showings). Maybe he had his game face on, but the bluff worked, I didn't feel "loved" there. I was relieved when it was over.
THEN I went to another meeting in the same neighbourhood.... it was the polar opposite. I went in thinking he wanted to talk about the mark up and commission structure for designers referring work to his press..... instead he sat me down and asked if I would be interested in doing design for him! He said he liked my style, he wanted to expand that business into more "high-end" design (YAY! I needed that after the let down at the other meeting). He said after Christmas he will talk more, he was serious, I could tell. He mentioned me having my own office downtown, with the opportunity to come and go as I please, and that really does sound nice.
Anyway after that I went for a little bit of shopping (Xmas is coming!), and stopped off at another printers that had a million questions for me. I felt good about that too.
By the time I got home I started feeling a bit of anxiety.
I quit that other client so abruptly that I have a HUGE empty space. It feels so vacant and I panic, and then I remember why I quit and I feel happy and proud, and then I feel panic again because I don't know where the money is going to come from!
I hope my hubby is right and that I can actually pull it together on my own, I hope I am not a fraud plinking away on my little computer at home.... somethimes I feel so out of the loop with the other design community. Maybe I need to enroll in some refresher courses to feel better..... I don't know.
He was talking fast and being cute, but I could tell he wasn't knocked-out impressed with my latest work.... and I kept interjecting with comments about how "I WOULD have done this or that different if....." (a big no-no at portfolio showings). Maybe he had his game face on, but the bluff worked, I didn't feel "loved" there. I was relieved when it was over.
THEN I went to another meeting in the same neighbourhood.... it was the polar opposite. I went in thinking he wanted to talk about the mark up and commission structure for designers referring work to his press..... instead he sat me down and asked if I would be interested in doing design for him! He said he liked my style, he wanted to expand that business into more "high-end" design (YAY! I needed that after the let down at the other meeting). He said after Christmas he will talk more, he was serious, I could tell. He mentioned me having my own office downtown, with the opportunity to come and go as I please, and that really does sound nice.
Anyway after that I went for a little bit of shopping (Xmas is coming!), and stopped off at another printers that had a million questions for me. I felt good about that too.
By the time I got home I started feeling a bit of anxiety.
I quit that other client so abruptly that I have a HUGE empty space. It feels so vacant and I panic, and then I remember why I quit and I feel happy and proud, and then I feel panic again because I don't know where the money is going to come from!
I hope my hubby is right and that I can actually pull it together on my own, I hope I am not a fraud plinking away on my little computer at home.... somethimes I feel so out of the loop with the other design community. Maybe I need to enroll in some refresher courses to feel better..... I don't know.
12.07.2005
News travels fast
I think maybe news can travel FASTER than the speed of light. The Theory of Relativity still applies though, the speed it travels is directly "relative" to how negative it is.
I have already been approached by a former employer to come back to work! I worked for his company starting in 1995 when it was a fledgling business with high hopes. I started him off on Mac's and together we built some amazing projects! I was laid off (a couple times) and kept going back with BIG RAI$E$ to work with new people and new equipment. When times were good they were VERY good, and when times were slow it sucked. But even then, with the energetic drive of the projects and the fun flirting, it always ended up that I didn't like working late and with a family I just got MORE stubborn about it. The last time I worked for him was about 2 years ago on a catalog where he needed some fresh perspectives and his regulars were swamped. In his defence it is very a respected high-end firm. But it was a high-stakes game with every job.
Anyway, he called me on Sunday, he needs a new senior designer and was wondering if I was available for an interview. Flattered, yes I certainly was.
I ALMOST laughed out loud, but I managed to regain my composure in time to say that I would talk to him. So Friday morning I will "discuss" it with him. I will listen out of courtesy and curiousity, and I really do enjoy smiling coyly at him while he tries so deperately to impress me with the high profile clients and the top-of-the-line computer equipment and the number of employees he has under him..... it all means diddly-squat to me but he keeps thinking it is impressive somehow. I always try to change the subject to talk about family and stuff, he is so funny to watch (.... and really very much the type of man that I would classify as handsome). If he wasn't so single-mindedly interested in conquering the Western Hemisphere's design world by force, I probably would have classified him as a "could have been".
But oh my GAWD I am not really interested in that work related punishment again. High pressure deadlines, huge print budgets to mess up, babysitting illustrators and staying up late at the office because so many people can't stay on track during business hours, NO THANKS! You know I probably could slip into that role of high-heels and power-suits, sushi lunches and pizza nights again -- all those things were fun there is no doubt. The money would be good and when I am home its actually home time. BUT putting the kids in daycare FULL TIME gives me a horrible horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe T could be the work at home dad? Fixing motorcycles from the garage part-time?
Nice to have options!
I have already been approached by a former employer to come back to work! I worked for his company starting in 1995 when it was a fledgling business with high hopes. I started him off on Mac's and together we built some amazing projects! I was laid off (a couple times) and kept going back with BIG RAI$E$ to work with new people and new equipment. When times were good they were VERY good, and when times were slow it sucked. But even then, with the energetic drive of the projects and the fun flirting, it always ended up that I didn't like working late and with a family I just got MORE stubborn about it. The last time I worked for him was about 2 years ago on a catalog where he needed some fresh perspectives and his regulars were swamped. In his defence it is very a respected high-end firm. But it was a high-stakes game with every job.
Anyway, he called me on Sunday, he needs a new senior designer and was wondering if I was available for an interview. Flattered, yes I certainly was.
I ALMOST laughed out loud, but I managed to regain my composure in time to say that I would talk to him. So Friday morning I will "discuss" it with him. I will listen out of courtesy and curiousity, and I really do enjoy smiling coyly at him while he tries so deperately to impress me with the high profile clients and the top-of-the-line computer equipment and the number of employees he has under him..... it all means diddly-squat to me but he keeps thinking it is impressive somehow. I always try to change the subject to talk about family and stuff, he is so funny to watch (.... and really very much the type of man that I would classify as handsome). If he wasn't so single-mindedly interested in conquering the Western Hemisphere's design world by force, I probably would have classified him as a "could have been".
But oh my GAWD I am not really interested in that work related punishment again. High pressure deadlines, huge print budgets to mess up, babysitting illustrators and staying up late at the office because so many people can't stay on track during business hours, NO THANKS! You know I probably could slip into that role of high-heels and power-suits, sushi lunches and pizza nights again -- all those things were fun there is no doubt. The money would be good and when I am home its actually home time. BUT putting the kids in daycare FULL TIME gives me a horrible horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe T could be the work at home dad? Fixing motorcycles from the garage part-time?
Nice to have options!
12.06.2005
I lost my chat window
One side effect I didn't count on was losing my MSN contact window when I gave up that client. I forgot my MSN was hooked up through that email address! Ooops. Because I can't sign on with that name, I can't get my contact list either. So Please, calling all friends! Email me your contact info names (to my @shaw.ca email) so we can be online again! I will return the favour with my new MSN address for you. Thank you thank you thank you!
12.02.2005
"42"
The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
You know what, for such a boring life that I lead, there sure is a whole lot of drama!
Every day I am so thankful for the life I lead! There are no bruises on my body (that I didn't give myself), there are no addictions that I am fighting, no wars that threaten my home, no diseases running amock here nor do I worry about lack of heat or security, there is food in my pantry, 2 cars in the driveway, a fine roof over our head, enough toys to keep us all busy, 2 healthy sons, free school for them and reasonably priced healthcare when we need it. I have a helpful husband and we are both readily employable and healthy and smart enough to hold our own. I don't need to steal or cheat to make ends meet and I feel good about the choices I have made in life. There have been a few losses, but nothing overly tragic and all the experiences that I have had to this point have added up to a fine life by my own calculations!
But, I sure do find things to whine about! And I still seem to internalize a crap load of stress too... I think meditating on the good stuff more often may me a healthy thing... because I really do have it good, and I am so thankful!
You know what, for such a boring life that I lead, there sure is a whole lot of drama!
Every day I am so thankful for the life I lead! There are no bruises on my body (that I didn't give myself), there are no addictions that I am fighting, no wars that threaten my home, no diseases running amock here nor do I worry about lack of heat or security, there is food in my pantry, 2 cars in the driveway, a fine roof over our head, enough toys to keep us all busy, 2 healthy sons, free school for them and reasonably priced healthcare when we need it. I have a helpful husband and we are both readily employable and healthy and smart enough to hold our own. I don't need to steal or cheat to make ends meet and I feel good about the choices I have made in life. There have been a few losses, but nothing overly tragic and all the experiences that I have had to this point have added up to a fine life by my own calculations!
But, I sure do find things to whine about! And I still seem to internalize a crap load of stress too... I think meditating on the good stuff more often may me a healthy thing... because I really do have it good, and I am so thankful!
12.01.2005
No turning back now
I did it!
I sent the package away yesterday..... 11 DVDs, countless CDRs, Samples, files, portfolio -- it came to 68lbs of stuff all together! He should have got it all at the office (the bookkeeper will receive it) by this afternoon. Then he will know its over.
Here is the note:
"D;
With the delivery of this package, “Effective immediately” I am no longer a member of MD, nor will I provide any service to the company. Commitment to deadlines, errors, poor and inconsistent communications from people have become intolerable, I cannot do my job effectively and as a result I am finished. You know when, where and what I am talking about, so this should not be a surprise."
It is almost verbatim to the slap in the face of an email that he gave me when he told me to fire Nick. I still feel really ill about leaving the deadlines for KASBA unattended! They have made deposits on these things, but I don't have the tools to meet the deadlines anyway. I feel the worst for the Hill's I like them! ...............and their deadlines just got a whole lot harder to make. I feel like a bitch.
Eeeee, If I thought it would help, I'd want to be really drunk right now! I guess I'll just curl up with a big box of chocolate and sob and shake for a while, then everything will look... after all, my respectful clients need me too!
I sent the package away yesterday..... 11 DVDs, countless CDRs, Samples, files, portfolio -- it came to 68lbs of stuff all together! He should have got it all at the office (the bookkeeper will receive it) by this afternoon. Then he will know its over.
Here is the note:
"D;
With the delivery of this package, “Effective immediately” I am no longer a member of MD, nor will I provide any service to the company. Commitment to deadlines, errors, poor and inconsistent communications from people have become intolerable, I cannot do my job effectively and as a result I am finished. You know when, where and what I am talking about, so this should not be a surprise."
It is almost verbatim to the slap in the face of an email that he gave me when he told me to fire Nick. I still feel really ill about leaving the deadlines for KASBA unattended! They have made deposits on these things, but I don't have the tools to meet the deadlines anyway. I feel the worst for the Hill's I like them! ...............and their deadlines just got a whole lot harder to make. I feel like a bitch.
Eeeee, If I thought it would help, I'd want to be really drunk right now! I guess I'll just curl up with a big box of chocolate and sob and shake for a while, then everything will look... after all, my respectful clients need me too!
11.28.2005
that's enough
The clincher was today. I am tired of being used, and as much as I like the money and as much as I like the clients I was planning to keep that these folks are involved with -- I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE GAMES ANY MORE!
I really do feel manipulated, and I have been doing it long enough. I hope I don't regret it.
I really do feel manipulated, and I have been doing it long enough. I hope I don't regret it.
Arachnids and Cannons
I had a really fun day yesterday!
My mom's ex husband who has been my kid's favourite grandpa since they were born, took the family to Victoria yesterday!!!!! Even T came because he wanted to spend time with the family (he said he had fun after too). First place we went to was the BUG ZOO right downtown. It was rather expensive admission, but honestly, if it was to support the care and profit af maintaining these fabulous little creatures, then it was worth it.
The "zoo" was very clean and bright with great 360 degree visibility of the glass enclosures and step-stools for the short patrons to get better views. There was a terrific young man doing the tour with a group of people that was energetic, knowledgeable and interactive. MOST of the creatures were taken out of the displays and encouraged to be held and really experienced which was a real treat for me (I thought we were just going to look at them)! I missed the part where they were holding the red-knee tarantula and the huge scorpion, but I did get to hold a millipede (felt like a living wire brush) a leaf insect, a mantis, a spiny stick bug and a few other neat bugs.... I was in like flin at the front of the line when he asked if anyone wanted to hold them. AND I had lots of questions to challenge this youth's knowledge too ( .... by the way Vanne the most humane way to "take out" the stick insects if they get too plentiful is a ziplock bag in the freezer).
Stick insects from all over the world (some 10"long), Mantis, Leaf Insects, really exotic looking crickets and grasshoppers, water bugs, beetles, roaches, a huge centipede and a really impressive selection of arachnids! A very interesting creature was the "velvet ant" which is actually a flightless wasp, fuzzy and red it looks a whole lot like a little tarantula only really not at all like one (thanks to 3 body segments and 6 legs and antennae!) their sting is supposed to be the most painful on in the world! So obviously we didn't get to hold that one! They had a thriving leaf-cutter ant colony with tubes and chambers over 30 ft long all viewable to curious bi-ped mammals like me..... the cutters were trucking along happily under the watchful protection of the large guard ants making their slices of leaves and hauling them back to the gardens where the tiny gardeners tended the yummy fungus for the colony.... very interesting, and if the kids weren't there I would have been there for a lot longer, watching.
As far as Arachnids, they had those neat cave dwelling spiders (hideous claw things on the front of them), which are not really spiders at all -- no venom. And they had a few varieties of tarantula, a black widow, a mimic black widow (which my basement on Lambert had in abundance!) supposedly very effective at keeping the Hobo spider population in check -- so I will need to encourage them some more I guess. They also had a hobo spider and a brown recluse which is not in Canada (yet) thank heavens. And a fastinating Arizona Wolf Spider with her big, beautiful eyes. And of course a big, black, hairy, common house spider too. There were so many more that I wish they had so I could read up on them, but I guess space is limited! Other arachnids include a pretty neat selection of scorpions from the very large ones that are quite docile, to the scarier tiny ones.
I wanted to stay for much longer looking at the butterfly specimens on the walls and holding more bugs, but it was lunch time and the monkeys were getting restless.... alas we had to move along.
We had an ugly fast food lunch and carried on to a place called "Fort Dodds".
A big national park of military history. Built before 1800 and used until 1956, it was Victoria's defense during the world wars. It was wonderful for the boys to have free reign on the battery walls and through the dismantled cannon towers and armeries. Nothing to break (all concrete and steel) and lots of room to run between buildings. They had a couple of big guns to touch and explore, and there was the occasional display to look at that gave you a tiny glimpse of what might have been there. Very relaxed museum, there were few signs and no rhyme or reason to where to go to see stuff. The kids LOVED it! And there is a lighthouse there too, much more sophisticated in it's style and presentation.... so the kids did not love that as much.
As I wandered through it, stripped down and decaying slowly, I had a funny vibe, a down feeling... not because of that though..... just to see all that fortification and very large guns, so few men and resources would be in this fort to protect us ALL from torpedo boats and submarines, patheticly small point of land for our huge nation... I am so RELIEVED it was never called into serious action in those 150 years! I am so thankful we are relatively benign as a nation.
The views were spectacular and though it was cool, the weather was very nice. We stayed until dusk and then headed home... the boys were adequately tuckered out and the grown ups felt like we did something educational! A win-win situation.
My mom's ex husband who has been my kid's favourite grandpa since they were born, took the family to Victoria yesterday!!!!! Even T came because he wanted to spend time with the family (he said he had fun after too). First place we went to was the BUG ZOO right downtown. It was rather expensive admission, but honestly, if it was to support the care and profit af maintaining these fabulous little creatures, then it was worth it.
The "zoo" was very clean and bright with great 360 degree visibility of the glass enclosures and step-stools for the short patrons to get better views. There was a terrific young man doing the tour with a group of people that was energetic, knowledgeable and interactive. MOST of the creatures were taken out of the displays and encouraged to be held and really experienced which was a real treat for me (I thought we were just going to look at them)! I missed the part where they were holding the red-knee tarantula and the huge scorpion, but I did get to hold a millipede (felt like a living wire brush) a leaf insect, a mantis, a spiny stick bug and a few other neat bugs.... I was in like flin at the front of the line when he asked if anyone wanted to hold them. AND I had lots of questions to challenge this youth's knowledge too ( .... by the way Vanne the most humane way to "take out" the stick insects if they get too plentiful is a ziplock bag in the freezer).
Stick insects from all over the world (some 10"long), Mantis, Leaf Insects, really exotic looking crickets and grasshoppers, water bugs, beetles, roaches, a huge centipede and a really impressive selection of arachnids! A very interesting creature was the "velvet ant" which is actually a flightless wasp, fuzzy and red it looks a whole lot like a little tarantula only really not at all like one (thanks to 3 body segments and 6 legs and antennae!) their sting is supposed to be the most painful on in the world! So obviously we didn't get to hold that one! They had a thriving leaf-cutter ant colony with tubes and chambers over 30 ft long all viewable to curious bi-ped mammals like me..... the cutters were trucking along happily under the watchful protection of the large guard ants making their slices of leaves and hauling them back to the gardens where the tiny gardeners tended the yummy fungus for the colony.... very interesting, and if the kids weren't there I would have been there for a lot longer, watching.
As far as Arachnids, they had those neat cave dwelling spiders (hideous claw things on the front of them), which are not really spiders at all -- no venom. And they had a few varieties of tarantula, a black widow, a mimic black widow (which my basement on Lambert had in abundance!) supposedly very effective at keeping the Hobo spider population in check -- so I will need to encourage them some more I guess. They also had a hobo spider and a brown recluse which is not in Canada (yet) thank heavens. And a fastinating Arizona Wolf Spider with her big, beautiful eyes. And of course a big, black, hairy, common house spider too. There were so many more that I wish they had so I could read up on them, but I guess space is limited! Other arachnids include a pretty neat selection of scorpions from the very large ones that are quite docile, to the scarier tiny ones.
I wanted to stay for much longer looking at the butterfly specimens on the walls and holding more bugs, but it was lunch time and the monkeys were getting restless.... alas we had to move along.
We had an ugly fast food lunch and carried on to a place called "Fort Dodds".
A big national park of military history. Built before 1800 and used until 1956, it was Victoria's defense during the world wars. It was wonderful for the boys to have free reign on the battery walls and through the dismantled cannon towers and armeries. Nothing to break (all concrete and steel) and lots of room to run between buildings. They had a couple of big guns to touch and explore, and there was the occasional display to look at that gave you a tiny glimpse of what might have been there. Very relaxed museum, there were few signs and no rhyme or reason to where to go to see stuff. The kids LOVED it! And there is a lighthouse there too, much more sophisticated in it's style and presentation.... so the kids did not love that as much.
As I wandered through it, stripped down and decaying slowly, I had a funny vibe, a down feeling... not because of that though..... just to see all that fortification and very large guns, so few men and resources would be in this fort to protect us ALL from torpedo boats and submarines, patheticly small point of land for our huge nation... I am so RELIEVED it was never called into serious action in those 150 years! I am so thankful we are relatively benign as a nation.
The views were spectacular and though it was cool, the weather was very nice. We stayed until dusk and then headed home... the boys were adequately tuckered out and the grown ups felt like we did something educational! A win-win situation.
11.27.2005
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
My client that I have a pretty intense relationship with as far as work goes (the one I am always fuming about) has a Christmas Getaway scheduled for this Friday. I am to show up at the airport at 10am and will be returned to the airport 1:00pm the next day. Location is secret and itinerary is heavy with meetings and some time for fun.....
To even consider going I need the support of my family and someone willing to take my boys to and from school and hanging on to them until T gets home from work.
T's work has some over-time lined up for him getting a new production room going and they had the roof in the big freezer collapse(!) this weekend at 2AM just after the warehouse crew got off shift so there is serious stuff going on there!!!!!
I warned my client that I may not to go away as T might have to work Saturday and I don't know any babysitters that will start at 5:15AM when T leaves for work!
The response was that the entire event would be cancelled if I couldn't come.
That freaked me out! I explained that I did NOT think that was fair....
One of the owners responses was:
"The purpose of the team meeting is to discuss policies and procedures, systems, business plans for the coming year, etc. This is the most important team meeting we've had – adding two new people to significantly enhance the revenue, and add new vibrancy – in a nut shell this company is turning a very big corner. With those kind of changes will come more challenges. You have more experience with our business practices that anyone else besides D. Your input will be valuable. We’re not trying to pressure you. If you’re not at the table, there’s no point in meeting. I understand life happens, and we all do our best."
That just got me thinking that I couldn't really help them that way....
Then the president said: "MY apologies once again, I seem to be screwing up with you on a daily basis these days. We are going ahead with the meeting. I really meant to say that the meeting would not be as successful or as results oriented without your input. As always your family comes first and foremost. I will drink your share of the eggnog. We will fill you in when I get back"
Good apology but I am not sure if it is too little too late.... now even if T isn't working I am not sure I want to go when they are using such bully tactics to get me out to a "team" meetinincidentallytally I am genuinely NOT interested in being on their team as their "star player" anymore.... let me sit on the bench a few games, maybe even be the towel boy! And I certainly don't need to be a coach either!
So what do you guys think? Should I STAY or Should I GO?
To even consider going I need the support of my family and someone willing to take my boys to and from school and hanging on to them until T gets home from work.
T's work has some over-time lined up for him getting a new production room going and they had the roof in the big freezer collapse(!) this weekend at 2AM just after the warehouse crew got off shift so there is serious stuff going on there!!!!!
I warned my client that I may not to go away as T might have to work Saturday and I don't know any babysitters that will start at 5:15AM when T leaves for work!
The response was that the entire event would be cancelled if I couldn't come.
That freaked me out! I explained that I did NOT think that was fair....
One of the owners responses was:
"The purpose of the team meeting is to discuss policies and procedures, systems, business plans for the coming year, etc. This is the most important team meeting we've had – adding two new people to significantly enhance the revenue, and add new vibrancy – in a nut shell this company is turning a very big corner. With those kind of changes will come more challenges. You have more experience with our business practices that anyone else besides D. Your input will be valuable. We’re not trying to pressure you. If you’re not at the table, there’s no point in meeting. I understand life happens, and we all do our best."
That just got me thinking that I couldn't really help them that way....
Then the president said: "MY apologies once again, I seem to be screwing up with you on a daily basis these days. We are going ahead with the meeting. I really meant to say that the meeting would not be as successful or as results oriented without your input. As always your family comes first and foremost. I will drink your share of the eggnog. We will fill you in when I get back"
Good apology but I am not sure if it is too little too late.... now even if T isn't working I am not sure I want to go when they are using such bully tactics to get me out to a "team" meetinincidentallytally I am genuinely NOT interested in being on their team as their "star player" anymore.... let me sit on the bench a few games, maybe even be the towel boy! And I certainly don't need to be a coach either!
So what do you guys think? Should I STAY or Should I GO?
11.26.2005
What a beautiful day!
After all that fog, this shiny sunny day is really appreciated!
Life is just putting along merrily, one day to the next. A little bit of work and some time to enjoy my family. Actually I really am enjoying my family these days.... and it is refreshing!
We moved the TV downstairs last weekend, so tomorrow it will be a week. Feels weird having the "boob tube" so far away from the kitchen, but it is really very nice in all other ways other than the slight weirdness of the unfamiliarity. The living room is now a place for the kids to spread out when they need to play tents, or a quiet retreat during the day when I feel like sitting in the sun. It is nice not having it be so convenient to "just see whats on". And when the kids go to bed, they are staying in bed.... YAY!
It is a bit chilly down there and having a closing door on the room almost feels to isolated at times, things I am sure to get used to though. The room is really very pleasant other than a horribly uncomfortable hide-a-bed sofa. We are very very close to retiring it (though it is almost new) because it is truly awful to sit in -- handy as it may be when company comes to stay!
I kinda thought 2 recliners would be a good idea,(the kids have their own chairs when they even bother to sit on furniture) but T doesn't agree he likes to lay down when watching TV. Right now the wee hide-a-bed isn't big enough to lie on and when he tries there is NOWHERE for me to sit at all. So maybe a smaller sectional (limitting what other furniture fits there)? Maybe a comfy but ugly cheap leather couch (but then the guests would have nowhere)? ???? I don't know, we will suffer with what we have for now.
Meanwhile I am thinking about going back outside into the terrific November sunshine and enjoy it while its here!
Life is just putting along merrily, one day to the next. A little bit of work and some time to enjoy my family. Actually I really am enjoying my family these days.... and it is refreshing!
We moved the TV downstairs last weekend, so tomorrow it will be a week. Feels weird having the "boob tube" so far away from the kitchen, but it is really very nice in all other ways other than the slight weirdness of the unfamiliarity. The living room is now a place for the kids to spread out when they need to play tents, or a quiet retreat during the day when I feel like sitting in the sun. It is nice not having it be so convenient to "just see whats on". And when the kids go to bed, they are staying in bed.... YAY!
It is a bit chilly down there and having a closing door on the room almost feels to isolated at times, things I am sure to get used to though. The room is really very pleasant other than a horribly uncomfortable hide-a-bed sofa. We are very very close to retiring it (though it is almost new) because it is truly awful to sit in -- handy as it may be when company comes to stay!
I kinda thought 2 recliners would be a good idea,(the kids have their own chairs when they even bother to sit on furniture) but T doesn't agree he likes to lay down when watching TV. Right now the wee hide-a-bed isn't big enough to lie on and when he tries there is NOWHERE for me to sit at all. So maybe a smaller sectional (limitting what other furniture fits there)? Maybe a comfy but ugly cheap leather couch (but then the guests would have nowhere)? ???? I don't know, we will suffer with what we have for now.
Meanwhile I am thinking about going back outside into the terrific November sunshine and enjoy it while its here!
11.19.2005
I am a funny girl
Last night had the potential to be a very busy and entertaining evening.
And indeed it was very busy and I had a good time.
There was a conflict in scheduling, the annual Christmas shin-dig at the caterer's was scheduled for Friday -- it is something T and I have gone to together for 6 years or so, and we haven't missed one yet. Through T's fixing of their cars, we have found a friendly aquaintance and I am their graphic designer in exchange for that fabulous 10th anniversay party we had! Very good people that know how to throw a kick butt party for everybody! BUT....
Last night was also the night for the MotoX Worlds in Nanoose. And T's friend from way back has a sister racing and the poor fellow just had the heartbreaking time of committing his (now ex)wife to rehab for a BAD habit that destroyed the marriage. So T really wanted to be there for him and have a good time too! (I am really in support of ANYTHING social he wants to do!) So T took the boys to the MotoX thing (and my brother-in-law and nephew went too). He said he would go to the dinner with me, but I insisted he play with his friend and the boys instead.
I had a choice.... dress up, go to the dinner alone and hang out with fun people that are nearly strangers, then come home alone.... OR go over to my sister's and have a quiet evening eating her cooking and watching a "chick-flick" on her big screen TV and comparing wife, career and mommy notes..... either way I wouldn't have to cook, or clean, or take care of the kids!
I took door #2 and I had a very nice time. We did all those things and we wrapped the boy's Christmas presents and stashed them in her crawl space. It was a pleasant eventing of chicken-broccoli cassarole, Macadamia nut chocolates, Hot chocolate with Frangelico, wrapping, chatting and watching "Vanity Fair" until well after dark in lounge-around clothes.
And indeed it was very busy and I had a good time.
There was a conflict in scheduling, the annual Christmas shin-dig at the caterer's was scheduled for Friday -- it is something T and I have gone to together for 6 years or so, and we haven't missed one yet. Through T's fixing of their cars, we have found a friendly aquaintance and I am their graphic designer in exchange for that fabulous 10th anniversay party we had! Very good people that know how to throw a kick butt party for everybody! BUT....
Last night was also the night for the MotoX Worlds in Nanoose. And T's friend from way back has a sister racing and the poor fellow just had the heartbreaking time of committing his (now ex)wife to rehab for a BAD habit that destroyed the marriage. So T really wanted to be there for him and have a good time too! (I am really in support of ANYTHING social he wants to do!) So T took the boys to the MotoX thing (and my brother-in-law and nephew went too). He said he would go to the dinner with me, but I insisted he play with his friend and the boys instead.
I had a choice.... dress up, go to the dinner alone and hang out with fun people that are nearly strangers, then come home alone.... OR go over to my sister's and have a quiet evening eating her cooking and watching a "chick-flick" on her big screen TV and comparing wife, career and mommy notes..... either way I wouldn't have to cook, or clean, or take care of the kids!
I took door #2 and I had a very nice time. We did all those things and we wrapped the boy's Christmas presents and stashed them in her crawl space. It was a pleasant eventing of chicken-broccoli cassarole, Macadamia nut chocolates, Hot chocolate with Frangelico, wrapping, chatting and watching "Vanity Fair" until well after dark in lounge-around clothes.
11.16.2005
self-torture
I am self-employed.
I take in contracts to do graphic design, and I complete the work to the client's needs and try to give a bit more to make them extra happy. This recipe has served me well over the last 10 years that I have been taking in my own stuff and very well since I have been doing it "full time".
Most of my clients call me and ask if I can do it, when they can expect to see something and give me all the parameters straight off the top.
My MAIN client that has been giving me so much stress, does NOT ask me if I can do it -- he tells me I'm doing it, does NOT ask me when he can expect something -- he tells me when it needs to be delivered (and I have to do ALL the organizing of making sure that it gets where it needs to be when it needs to be and booked appropriately) and if I get any parameters at all they are changed several times before they are completed.
It is awful, I only have time to be a designer, and if I keep to designing I can do I good job. I do not have time to be a placement agency, an art director, a paste-up artist AND a project manager as well.... He keeps telling me that I CAN do so much more, and he "believes in me" but I think I have finally figured out that all this flattery is just a manipulative tool to get me to cross my set boundaries time and time again. It's amazing how far a little flattery can go to make me want to help where I can. I have put in literally hundreds of un-billed hours for this company to help build them and maintain the level of work that I want to do..... BUT there is the downside that no matter how many extra hours I do, the problems seem to never be solved -- there is no learning from the mistakes! I am tired of being associated with this level of disorganization (I am quite disorganized enough without this added aggravation).
I had to give up N against my will with this company, I have seen consultants that I really believed were valuable people get driven away by the mess that is made. I have endured the drama-queen type and the giant temper tantrums that come from a big ego. I have listened in silence as the competition gets bad mouthed (good, hard working people doing it their own way) and I have help my head in embarrassment as this client misunderstands, misdirects and just plain MISSES deadlines and goals.
I have "semi-retired" from them already, but he still calls and demands my undivided attention on last second projects that I can't commit to. To be a good designer I need to believe in the client and want to make them look good. At this point, though his directive and dream are valid and inspirational, the delivery is just not palatable. I feel like I have been paid to go on a ride, and it makes me feel a little dirty.
I take in contracts to do graphic design, and I complete the work to the client's needs and try to give a bit more to make them extra happy. This recipe has served me well over the last 10 years that I have been taking in my own stuff and very well since I have been doing it "full time".
Most of my clients call me and ask if I can do it, when they can expect to see something and give me all the parameters straight off the top.
My MAIN client that has been giving me so much stress, does NOT ask me if I can do it -- he tells me I'm doing it, does NOT ask me when he can expect something -- he tells me when it needs to be delivered (and I have to do ALL the organizing of making sure that it gets where it needs to be when it needs to be and booked appropriately) and if I get any parameters at all they are changed several times before they are completed.
It is awful, I only have time to be a designer, and if I keep to designing I can do I good job. I do not have time to be a placement agency, an art director, a paste-up artist AND a project manager as well.... He keeps telling me that I CAN do so much more, and he "believes in me" but I think I have finally figured out that all this flattery is just a manipulative tool to get me to cross my set boundaries time and time again. It's amazing how far a little flattery can go to make me want to help where I can. I have put in literally hundreds of un-billed hours for this company to help build them and maintain the level of work that I want to do..... BUT there is the downside that no matter how many extra hours I do, the problems seem to never be solved -- there is no learning from the mistakes! I am tired of being associated with this level of disorganization (I am quite disorganized enough without this added aggravation).
I had to give up N against my will with this company, I have seen consultants that I really believed were valuable people get driven away by the mess that is made. I have endured the drama-queen type and the giant temper tantrums that come from a big ego. I have listened in silence as the competition gets bad mouthed (good, hard working people doing it their own way) and I have help my head in embarrassment as this client misunderstands, misdirects and just plain MISSES deadlines and goals.
I have "semi-retired" from them already, but he still calls and demands my undivided attention on last second projects that I can't commit to. To be a good designer I need to believe in the client and want to make them look good. At this point, though his directive and dream are valid and inspirational, the delivery is just not palatable. I feel like I have been paid to go on a ride, and it makes me feel a little dirty.
11.14.2005
no secret
Okay, it's not really a juicy secret, lets get that straight right now.
I just haven't been feeling RIGHT lately, and have been getting some tests done. Basically if you look at me the wrong way I spot. So far we have ruled out some stuff with tests; its not anemia, not diabetes, ultrasound came back with normal ovaries and uterus so not endometriosis either. To quote my doctor, "your cervix is fried" My reaction to that was, "WHAT? does that mean?" and she just explained the same thing I just said.... if someone looks at me the wrong way I'll spot. So we are back to square one. I feel stupid having them do all these tests, it doesn't hurt, it's just really annoying and it makes getting intimate with the hubby that much more messy and annoying.... but we don't even need to be intimate to set it off..... if he looks at me romantically I spot.... or if I exercise.... or if I think about exercise...... you get the picture. Really annoying, but like I said NOT painful so I hate using the resources of our healthcare system on it. Could be hormones, so I might have to go on the pill, and to me that is almost funny because I got fixed so I wouldn't have to be on the pill anymore. It might also be stress related so I am removing some of that too where I can.
Now I am just waiting on the PAP smear (don't you just love that word?!).... 4-6 weeks.
Last time my mom was down (shortly AFTER the pap smear) I asked her why she had a hysterectomy in her 20's, she said there was irregular spotting and a "borderline" pap test and in the 70's it was a "when-in-doubt-cut-it-out" policy in Ontario. So maybe its hereditary..... results aren't in yet, but I will definitely let you know.
I'm done with my uterus..... I hate my cycle anyway and I am now okay with going under general anesthetic, so if they said taking it all out would make me better, I would say "GO RIGHT AHEAD!".
Doctor seems quite relaxed about the test, so I am going to take that as a "nothing to worry about" cue and go on with my merry life. BUT I have also decided to really do the stress reduction thing, like cutting back on what I take on at work..... and as I type this a stupid last second thing pops in over the phone! I am compensated for my time, but my limitations are not respected, sigh....
I just haven't been feeling RIGHT lately, and have been getting some tests done. Basically if you look at me the wrong way I spot. So far we have ruled out some stuff with tests; its not anemia, not diabetes, ultrasound came back with normal ovaries and uterus so not endometriosis either. To quote my doctor, "your cervix is fried" My reaction to that was, "WHAT? does that mean?" and she just explained the same thing I just said.... if someone looks at me the wrong way I'll spot. So we are back to square one. I feel stupid having them do all these tests, it doesn't hurt, it's just really annoying and it makes getting intimate with the hubby that much more messy and annoying.... but we don't even need to be intimate to set it off..... if he looks at me romantically I spot.... or if I exercise.... or if I think about exercise...... you get the picture. Really annoying, but like I said NOT painful so I hate using the resources of our healthcare system on it. Could be hormones, so I might have to go on the pill, and to me that is almost funny because I got fixed so I wouldn't have to be on the pill anymore. It might also be stress related so I am removing some of that too where I can.
Now I am just waiting on the PAP smear (don't you just love that word?!).... 4-6 weeks.
Last time my mom was down (shortly AFTER the pap smear) I asked her why she had a hysterectomy in her 20's, she said there was irregular spotting and a "borderline" pap test and in the 70's it was a "when-in-doubt-cut-it-out" policy in Ontario. So maybe its hereditary..... results aren't in yet, but I will definitely let you know.
I'm done with my uterus..... I hate my cycle anyway and I am now okay with going under general anesthetic, so if they said taking it all out would make me better, I would say "GO RIGHT AHEAD!".
Doctor seems quite relaxed about the test, so I am going to take that as a "nothing to worry about" cue and go on with my merry life. BUT I have also decided to really do the stress reduction thing, like cutting back on what I take on at work..... and as I type this a stupid last second thing pops in over the phone! I am compensated for my time, but my limitations are not respected, sigh....
11.01.2005
hallow's eve was fun
I was a witch......
My husband was a troll....
My oldest son was Darth Vader....
My youngest was "Darth Kitty" (a black cat)....
This time of year is when I love my neighbourhood the most!
Everyone is having fun and happy and really getting into the happier parts of Halloween, a hay ride decorated in pumpkins and lights dragged by a tractor rumbles by loaded with disguised children, a decorated family of quads putter by too(not many neighbourhoods tolerate that anymore!). Packs of happy kids (and later on even dressed up teens) pass in packs with their hauls of sweet loot. Parents dress up too and combine it with walking the dogs. The homes are made spooky and fun and at about 7:00 everyone brings their fireworks out to their driveways and puts on a show that lasts for hours and hours!
The best part about valley living is that we can see pretty much everyone's fireworks from our steps! We luckily have a very close neighbour that gets right into it and they had over an hour of fountains, roman candles, screachers, pinwheels and sprays!!!! I sat on my own front steps with my hubby and the boys went down to participate with sparklers.... it feels like a real neighbourhood!
The boys brought home a whole lot of stuff!
Our own place didn't give out that much this year, but T said that the young kids were scared to come up the driveway with the troll infront of a roaring fire, and the teens looked very very nervous. I guess "trick or treat" applied at out house, because if they couldn't take the "tricky" costume, then they couldn't get the treat!
My husband was a troll....
My oldest son was Darth Vader....
My youngest was "Darth Kitty" (a black cat)....
This time of year is when I love my neighbourhood the most!
Everyone is having fun and happy and really getting into the happier parts of Halloween, a hay ride decorated in pumpkins and lights dragged by a tractor rumbles by loaded with disguised children, a decorated family of quads putter by too(not many neighbourhoods tolerate that anymore!). Packs of happy kids (and later on even dressed up teens) pass in packs with their hauls of sweet loot. Parents dress up too and combine it with walking the dogs. The homes are made spooky and fun and at about 7:00 everyone brings their fireworks out to their driveways and puts on a show that lasts for hours and hours!
The best part about valley living is that we can see pretty much everyone's fireworks from our steps! We luckily have a very close neighbour that gets right into it and they had over an hour of fountains, roman candles, screachers, pinwheels and sprays!!!! I sat on my own front steps with my hubby and the boys went down to participate with sparklers.... it feels like a real neighbourhood!
The boys brought home a whole lot of stuff!
Our own place didn't give out that much this year, but T said that the young kids were scared to come up the driveway with the troll infront of a roaring fire, and the teens looked very very nervous. I guess "trick or treat" applied at out house, because if they couldn't take the "tricky" costume, then they couldn't get the treat!
10.28.2005
dreams again
This one is disjointed and completely NOT logical in any way but it was fun.....
It felt like the very first warm day in Spring....
Tai and I were riding "our" street motorbikes up to the meeting place, away from the breezy seaside.... it was a large, garden courtyard, wierd grey buildings with lots of archways..... a big grassy patch (slightly overgrown), not a lot of flowers or anything, a mostly dried-up creek running through (visualize thick mud with rushes poking through) and there was a plank bridge crossing about 6 ft in length..... and this is where I decide to relax in the sun, I remove my coat and lay down face to the warm sunshine, arms crossed behind my head (very cozy and non-threatening place).
Vanne and Jeffe had already set up a small picnic on a grassy knoll about 5 feet from me and were chatting happily with N who was across the creek just a stone's throw away. There was wine and laughter and it was all very relaxed. I started to try to be "cool" but just came across as goofy, the good news was that it was just friends witnessing the flail! Then a "muppet" version of a gardening program began (see little puppet corn and carrots) in one of the archways about 3 stories up. My coat sleeve dragged in the mud and my sister was there with baby wipes to help clean it up as we watched the cute show about planting and harvesting......
All in all a happy, warm, stupid dream!
It felt like the very first warm day in Spring....
Tai and I were riding "our" street motorbikes up to the meeting place, away from the breezy seaside.... it was a large, garden courtyard, wierd grey buildings with lots of archways..... a big grassy patch (slightly overgrown), not a lot of flowers or anything, a mostly dried-up creek running through (visualize thick mud with rushes poking through) and there was a plank bridge crossing about 6 ft in length..... and this is where I decide to relax in the sun, I remove my coat and lay down face to the warm sunshine, arms crossed behind my head (very cozy and non-threatening place).
Vanne and Jeffe had already set up a small picnic on a grassy knoll about 5 feet from me and were chatting happily with N who was across the creek just a stone's throw away. There was wine and laughter and it was all very relaxed. I started to try to be "cool" but just came across as goofy, the good news was that it was just friends witnessing the flail! Then a "muppet" version of a gardening program began (see little puppet corn and carrots) in one of the archways about 3 stories up. My coat sleeve dragged in the mud and my sister was there with baby wipes to help clean it up as we watched the cute show about planting and harvesting......
All in all a happy, warm, stupid dream!
Hey there everybody!
Tai and Vanne and Jeffe are coming to visit hooray!!!!!
I am making a yummy dinner and I will serve refreshments and we will enjoy each other's company!
If T is civil and relaxed it should be good. I will Blog after.
I am making a yummy dinner and I will serve refreshments and we will enjoy each other's company!
If T is civil and relaxed it should be good. I will Blog after.
I wanna post my picture!
I found a great picture to put by my description and I don't know how to do it!
10.20.2005
funny dreams again
Oh this one was a RIOT!
Setting: A party/get-together in a college classroom... the doors are open, it's daytime and sunlight and fresh air are coming in. The atmosphere is fun and friendly and everyone has a beverage and is chatting merrily and socializing -- including my husband and myself. I find myself chatting with people I feel I know (but don't actually recognize) . There is none of the usual anxious feeling that I am going to miss a class or have lost my textbooks -- yes I STILL have those nightmares 15 years later!!!!! Instead everyone is having a good time and getting kind of silly! There breaks out a game of tag and [N] is there too and he talks to me too, but there is no tension, from [T] they are getting along! Chasing around and around, inside and outside and who do I bump into but CHRIS! (An Ex-school boyfriend that I made the grievous error of living with fresh out of highschool....) this was the funny part .....
Soundtrack: ("I'm too Sexy", Right Said Fred)
Dialogue: "Hey how's it goin?!" He grabs me and spins me around in an embrace. He looks the same with long flowing blonde hair and huge blue eyes..... "Hi Chris" I respond after squealing at the sudden loss of my own footing. Then we do some sort of Chinese acrobat thing where he is lying on his back on the concrete and I am sitting on his feet and he is bouncing me up and down until I am almost crying with laughter... finally I break loose, punch him in the chest and catch my breath while he goes on endlessly about what he's been up to. Then [T] who is driving a red car, does a donut in the parking lot, pulls up and I get in and go.
Fade to black.
I wake up laughing my head off!
Now that's a weird and wonderful reunion, in an unconscious way.
I have some pity for that ex of mine. I saw him at the 10 year highschool reunion and he had not "grown" at all. He was still dating and going to college with no clear focus or sense of reality. He was very self centered way back when and I misunderstood that for being "sophisticated" HA! I am glad I woke up before I ended up married to that no-where man. But he was in my opinion handsome and he came from a fairly well-off family with professional parents -- the opposite of my blue-collar lineage. I thought I was in love, but I realize now that it was just the best thing available at the time. Sounds cruel doesn't it? I DO think of him as kind of a clown now, so I guess that's where the whole acrobat routine came from.
Setting: A party/get-together in a college classroom... the doors are open, it's daytime and sunlight and fresh air are coming in. The atmosphere is fun and friendly and everyone has a beverage and is chatting merrily and socializing -- including my husband and myself. I find myself chatting with people I feel I know (but don't actually recognize) . There is none of the usual anxious feeling that I am going to miss a class or have lost my textbooks -- yes I STILL have those nightmares 15 years later!!!!! Instead everyone is having a good time and getting kind of silly! There breaks out a game of tag and [N] is there too and he talks to me too, but there is no tension, from [T] they are getting along! Chasing around and around, inside and outside and who do I bump into but CHRIS! (An Ex-school boyfriend that I made the grievous error of living with fresh out of highschool....) this was the funny part .....
Soundtrack: ("I'm too Sexy", Right Said Fred)
Dialogue: "Hey how's it goin?!" He grabs me and spins me around in an embrace. He looks the same with long flowing blonde hair and huge blue eyes..... "Hi Chris" I respond after squealing at the sudden loss of my own footing. Then we do some sort of Chinese acrobat thing where he is lying on his back on the concrete and I am sitting on his feet and he is bouncing me up and down until I am almost crying with laughter... finally I break loose, punch him in the chest and catch my breath while he goes on endlessly about what he's been up to. Then [T] who is driving a red car, does a donut in the parking lot, pulls up and I get in and go.
Fade to black.
I wake up laughing my head off!
Now that's a weird and wonderful reunion, in an unconscious way.
I have some pity for that ex of mine. I saw him at the 10 year highschool reunion and he had not "grown" at all. He was still dating and going to college with no clear focus or sense of reality. He was very self centered way back when and I misunderstood that for being "sophisticated" HA! I am glad I woke up before I ended up married to that no-where man. But he was in my opinion handsome and he came from a fairly well-off family with professional parents -- the opposite of my blue-collar lineage. I thought I was in love, but I realize now that it was just the best thing available at the time. Sounds cruel doesn't it? I DO think of him as kind of a clown now, so I guess that's where the whole acrobat routine came from.
10.07.2005
Uncanny Accurate Astrology
Our local paper has been doing an uncanny job lately at my Horoscope. I always read them for sheer entertainment value, and my habit of picking of the paper a day or 2 late has been great for making it the joke...... BUT lately it is getting me wondering about the validity of it these days!
This was yesterday's....
"PISCES: You're more successful because you set time limits that accommodate your process, Price your work higher though. Either that or find another way to earn your money __ an upcoming opportunity to travel is too juicy to miss."
Last Thursday was just as accurate, it is still entertainment, but now it is entertainment with a bit of optimism!
This was yesterday's....
"PISCES: You're more successful because you set time limits that accommodate your process, Price your work higher though. Either that or find another way to earn your money __ an upcoming opportunity to travel is too juicy to miss."
Last Thursday was just as accurate, it is still entertainment, but now it is entertainment with a bit of optimism!
10.06.2005
Stitches-be-gone
It's one of those things that I was hoping..... "maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away"
Stevie's stitches have been in for a bit longer than the Doctor suggested, and darling hubby said he wouldn't do it, so I got the courage just after waking up this morning.
My dear boy was getting dressed and I barged into his room with a pair of sewing scissors and tweezers in hand. Then I turned on his desk lamp and said "come on, it's time to get the stitches out".
I think it was my matter of fact attitude that made him obey. But he did say, "I thought the Doctor was going to do it", to which I replied that I didn't know when we would go there next and they had already been in too long. End of subject, good enough answer, whatever. He sat still, I was feeling very squeemish by the end (no matter how you look at it, pulling things out of a scab in your own son's head is a disturbing sensation) I pulled them out and handed him the bits of coarse black string..... he very cutely said he thought they would be clear like fishing line.
No fuss, no muss, no blood! Hooray its done.
Stevie's stitches have been in for a bit longer than the Doctor suggested, and darling hubby said he wouldn't do it, so I got the courage just after waking up this morning.
My dear boy was getting dressed and I barged into his room with a pair of sewing scissors and tweezers in hand. Then I turned on his desk lamp and said "come on, it's time to get the stitches out".
I think it was my matter of fact attitude that made him obey. But he did say, "I thought the Doctor was going to do it", to which I replied that I didn't know when we would go there next and they had already been in too long. End of subject, good enough answer, whatever. He sat still, I was feeling very squeemish by the end (no matter how you look at it, pulling things out of a scab in your own son's head is a disturbing sensation) I pulled them out and handed him the bits of coarse black string..... he very cutely said he thought they would be clear like fishing line.
No fuss, no muss, no blood! Hooray its done.
more weird dreams
I think the stress of my contracts is really getting to me.... and the funny thing is its not crazy busy at the moment like it was on Monday.
I guess I was dwelling on the sobering rhetorical question Tai gave me last night over the phone.... "how much money would you sell your soul for?"....
In my dream, I was meeting with my most dreaded clients (they happen to be Realtors) at their office. I told them I would not be continuing to give them graphics services. After a look of dread with a touch of panic, the partners turned to each other and whispered quickly, obviously forming a plan. The tall partner strolled up to me, firmly shook my hand and said "Thank you so much for all you have done for us, if you change your mind, you know where to find us." and with that he gave me a 'car salesman' smile and turned around to leave, passing the shorter partner with a 'go gettem' slap on the back and a very obvious wink.
This is where it gets comical!
The short, blue-eyed partner (who in real life I have already let slip I think is very cute in an older fellow sort of way -- and he found out!!!!) sauntered up to me with a peculiar look in his eyes and embrased me passionately!!!! He dipped me deeply and gave me a lingering, hot kiss... after a half-second of shock I quickly decided that 2 can play at that game and kissed him back! Tongue action and everything, and took the opportunity to give his ass a nice firm squeezing too for good measure! It was funny even in my dream (and it was a fine kiss too, I could see why the taller partner sent him in for the gigalo action). Oh MY! Anyway, I said a very polite "thanks, I'll consider the offer" with a sly smile and a playful slap on his bottom as he walked away. I knew my reaction was not what he was expecting (after all I am a shy, happily married girl 20 years his junior). TeeHee..... the dream continues with an open house party also at their office (that night) and the fellow I had molested was there dressed up as an Admiral for the party. I was on the couch and called him over, patting the chair beside me with a coy..."I love a man in uniform...." and he sat down looking seriously nervous at my forward behaviour.
It was a terrific and empowering dream! Oh what fun to be forward, sexual and fearless! Even if just in fantasy.
I guess I was dwelling on the sobering rhetorical question Tai gave me last night over the phone.... "how much money would you sell your soul for?"....
In my dream, I was meeting with my most dreaded clients (they happen to be Realtors) at their office. I told them I would not be continuing to give them graphics services. After a look of dread with a touch of panic, the partners turned to each other and whispered quickly, obviously forming a plan. The tall partner strolled up to me, firmly shook my hand and said "Thank you so much for all you have done for us, if you change your mind, you know where to find us." and with that he gave me a 'car salesman' smile and turned around to leave, passing the shorter partner with a 'go gettem' slap on the back and a very obvious wink.
This is where it gets comical!
The short, blue-eyed partner (who in real life I have already let slip I think is very cute in an older fellow sort of way -- and he found out!!!!) sauntered up to me with a peculiar look in his eyes and embrased me passionately!!!! He dipped me deeply and gave me a lingering, hot kiss... after a half-second of shock I quickly decided that 2 can play at that game and kissed him back! Tongue action and everything, and took the opportunity to give his ass a nice firm squeezing too for good measure! It was funny even in my dream (and it was a fine kiss too, I could see why the taller partner sent him in for the gigalo action). Oh MY! Anyway, I said a very polite "thanks, I'll consider the offer" with a sly smile and a playful slap on his bottom as he walked away. I knew my reaction was not what he was expecting (after all I am a shy, happily married girl 20 years his junior). TeeHee..... the dream continues with an open house party also at their office (that night) and the fellow I had molested was there dressed up as an Admiral for the party. I was on the couch and called him over, patting the chair beside me with a coy..."I love a man in uniform...." and he sat down looking seriously nervous at my forward behaviour.
It was a terrific and empowering dream! Oh what fun to be forward, sexual and fearless! Even if just in fantasy.
10.02.2005
Yay!!!!! A Visit!
Spider Girl came to visit me! Hooray! I always love to see my friends!
AND as an added bonus, her darling hubby too! (Spider Girl, I know you don't mind that he is my favourite friend-in-law!) He reminds me of a Viking, always has. (Not the loud, raping and pillaging, vulgar kind of viking though! More the chieftan's right hand man, the advisor to battle plans and prosperous trade routes! The REAL leader, not that whacko guy with the craziest swinging broad sword with a hot head and too much mead in his system.... you know the kinda guy I'm talking about.....) And I like him a great deal, so please keep him forever and ever. Thanks.
And that overly drawn out explanation of Spider Girl's husband out of the way..... I had a really truly nice visit! Though I nearly starved them thanks to my lack of hostess skills, until the poor folks had to actually ask (so sorry) . I did remember the tea though. We talked about Africa, insects, work, allergic reactions, more travel, renovating, new furniture..... it was really good. And I got to see 150 amazing photographs of a place I will likely never see and animals I will likely never have first hand experiences with. I loved it so much, I wonder though, the one thing photos and TV can't capture are the scents and sensations of being there. I wonder what the savannah smells like? speaking of memorable smells.... I LOVE that fact that one of my shirts was ruined by wild monkey pee, that's the most excitement ANY of my wardrobe has ever seen! Sad isn't it?
Great visit, top knotch, hope to have another one very soon!
AND as an added bonus, her darling hubby too! (Spider Girl, I know you don't mind that he is my favourite friend-in-law!) He reminds me of a Viking, always has. (Not the loud, raping and pillaging, vulgar kind of viking though! More the chieftan's right hand man, the advisor to battle plans and prosperous trade routes! The REAL leader, not that whacko guy with the craziest swinging broad sword with a hot head and too much mead in his system.... you know the kinda guy I'm talking about.....) And I like him a great deal, so please keep him forever and ever. Thanks.
And that overly drawn out explanation of Spider Girl's husband out of the way..... I had a really truly nice visit! Though I nearly starved them thanks to my lack of hostess skills, until the poor folks had to actually ask (so sorry) . I did remember the tea though. We talked about Africa, insects, work, allergic reactions, more travel, renovating, new furniture..... it was really good. And I got to see 150 amazing photographs of a place I will likely never see and animals I will likely never have first hand experiences with. I loved it so much, I wonder though, the one thing photos and TV can't capture are the scents and sensations of being there. I wonder what the savannah smells like? speaking of memorable smells.... I LOVE that fact that one of my shirts was ruined by wild monkey pee, that's the most excitement ANY of my wardrobe has ever seen! Sad isn't it?
Great visit, top knotch, hope to have another one very soon!
My Tummy is in Knots!
I finally bit the bullet, and after the ulcer, the midnight anxiety attack and more temper tantrums than I can count, I have finally admitted that I can't handle the workload anymore.... do I really want to wait until they find "the lump" before I act?! My doctor says "is there any area in your life where you can reduce your stress?" I laughed at her, but maybe I can! So I sent this note to my co-contractors.....
"Team;
Due to very recent events and family circumstances I really need to scale back my involvement with the company. It is with a heavy heart and regrets that I share the message. I don't want to bore you with the details (most of which are personal) but the bottom line is that being a partner in the company would not be a benefit to any of the other's involved as I can not provide the dedication and drive that the honour deserves.
Effective immediately I will not be taking on any new projects for this company until the ones already issued have been completed, and then I may have to turn down some of the more involved works. I am truly confident that our East deigner's skills and available work pool will be able to pick up the obvious slack (you girls are awesome out there!). I will start a dialogue right now to make sure that none of our clients are left without services. Hopefully the transition will be seamless to any outsiders.
Discretion and kindness from everyone would be greatly appreciated, this is a hard thing for me to admit as a proud and dedicated team member."
And there you have it, it is honest without admitting too much. I am still freaking out! Most people have responded with kindness and concern for my family, something I wanted all along! but the one person who's opinion I care the most about has not responded yet. I am sure I crushed him as he has very carefully set me up to be the very hub of the business, and has been fighting the uphill battle of trying to groom me to be "more than just a designer" (though it is all I ever wanted to be -- a mother first, THEN a designer at least until the kids get bigger). It is something I have said repeatedly, but he has been deaf to it because he says he sees my "potential". Bad timing. He is getting older and really wants to retire. I feel guilty that he put so much faith in me, but I have NEVER told him I was anything but a designer for him, and I have kep saying OVER and OVER again that tha is all I could promise to be. He is trying to set this company up as a "legacy" a model business that can carry on without him. Great in theory, but time is not on his side, both with his age catching up and my kids growing so slowly and the Island not fast to accept new ideas..... I feel for him, but I need to worry about MY life too! It is something that is icky but true.
Hey! and I don't need to feel bad about my absolutely-fabulous-design-helper-dude being left in the lurch by my decision, because he has decided to move FORWARD with his career by moving to Victoria! Good for him! I am so proud of him! (He was just wonderful telling me as gently as he could) Ambition! is something he needs more of and something as drastic as leaving his home-town might be just the shake up he needs. He is so talented! Like a nicely tuned engine revving away on an engine stand he needs a purpose, a car with a steering wheel and accelerator pedal! Good for him! It's funny that he waited until AFTER I said I was leaving for him to say he was leaving. I am so glad he isn't just fading away, and is actually going somewhere. I dare say my hubby will be happy..... though I will miss the guy terribly. Super-fun to be around!
Very Scary Friday!
"Team;
Due to very recent events and family circumstances I really need to scale back my involvement with the company. It is with a heavy heart and regrets that I share the message. I don't want to bore you with the details (most of which are personal) but the bottom line is that being a partner in the company would not be a benefit to any of the other's involved as I can not provide the dedication and drive that the honour deserves.
Effective immediately I will not be taking on any new projects for this company until the ones already issued have been completed, and then I may have to turn down some of the more involved works. I am truly confident that our East deigner's skills and available work pool will be able to pick up the obvious slack (you girls are awesome out there!). I will start a dialogue right now to make sure that none of our clients are left without services. Hopefully the transition will be seamless to any outsiders.
Discretion and kindness from everyone would be greatly appreciated, this is a hard thing for me to admit as a proud and dedicated team member."
And there you have it, it is honest without admitting too much. I am still freaking out! Most people have responded with kindness and concern for my family, something I wanted all along! but the one person who's opinion I care the most about has not responded yet. I am sure I crushed him as he has very carefully set me up to be the very hub of the business, and has been fighting the uphill battle of trying to groom me to be "more than just a designer" (though it is all I ever wanted to be -- a mother first, THEN a designer at least until the kids get bigger). It is something I have said repeatedly, but he has been deaf to it because he says he sees my "potential". Bad timing. He is getting older and really wants to retire. I feel guilty that he put so much faith in me, but I have NEVER told him I was anything but a designer for him, and I have kep saying OVER and OVER again that tha is all I could promise to be. He is trying to set this company up as a "legacy" a model business that can carry on without him. Great in theory, but time is not on his side, both with his age catching up and my kids growing so slowly and the Island not fast to accept new ideas..... I feel for him, but I need to worry about MY life too! It is something that is icky but true.
Hey! and I don't need to feel bad about my absolutely-fabulous-design-helper-dude being left in the lurch by my decision, because he has decided to move FORWARD with his career by moving to Victoria! Good for him! I am so proud of him! (He was just wonderful telling me as gently as he could) Ambition! is something he needs more of and something as drastic as leaving his home-town might be just the shake up he needs. He is so talented! Like a nicely tuned engine revving away on an engine stand he needs a purpose, a car with a steering wheel and accelerator pedal! Good for him! It's funny that he waited until AFTER I said I was leaving for him to say he was leaving. I am so glad he isn't just fading away, and is actually going somewhere. I dare say my hubby will be happy..... though I will miss the guy terribly. Super-fun to be around!
Very Scary Friday!
9.29.2005
stiches!
Well my oldest boy got his very first stitches last night!
We all went to the local public pool after dinner and enjoyed splashing about, my munchkins jumping, rolling, frollicking as exhuberant boys will do. Then afterwards when we were all showering up in the family changeroom he says "Ouch! my head hurts" Well he bonks it a lot so we weren't overly concerned and neither was he, but we looked and EWWW! He had a rather nasty gash in the very top of his head! He must have cut it on the edge of the tiles during some forward flip off the edge or something!>!? We all got dressed and went over to the Lifeguard station to report it..... they looked at him, did the vitals, filled out an accident report and told us he would need stitches.
Away we went to the walk-in clinic looking like a family of drowned rats in our flipflops and pool clothes, but the service was amazingly fast and painless (no pun intended). He was stitched up in no time and he didn't whine or complain at all. It was really not a big deal at all, and now he has 2 stitches on the very top of his head! A real trooper!
We all went to the local public pool after dinner and enjoyed splashing about, my munchkins jumping, rolling, frollicking as exhuberant boys will do. Then afterwards when we were all showering up in the family changeroom he says "Ouch! my head hurts" Well he bonks it a lot so we weren't overly concerned and neither was he, but we looked and EWWW! He had a rather nasty gash in the very top of his head! He must have cut it on the edge of the tiles during some forward flip off the edge or something!>!? We all got dressed and went over to the Lifeguard station to report it..... they looked at him, did the vitals, filled out an accident report and told us he would need stitches.
Away we went to the walk-in clinic looking like a family of drowned rats in our flipflops and pool clothes, but the service was amazingly fast and painless (no pun intended). He was stitched up in no time and he didn't whine or complain at all. It was really not a big deal at all, and now he has 2 stitches on the very top of his head! A real trooper!
weird dreams
Something was in the air last night.... maybe it was because of the first rain we have had in weeks pattering in my subliminal ear as I slept, but I had really neat and bizarre dreams!
I Love it when it happens.
Firstly, I was on some sort of bridge of a massive intergalactic capital city (a starship but it was the governing leaders of a nation). The leaders were negotiating a commerce or travel arrangement... they were fair and accomodating to the tiny (by comparison) ship that had approached them with the request. And then as the agreement was reached and everyone looked relieved and happy, and they prepared to turn their small ship home..... lo and behold, the large behemoth ship flared it's propulsion and simply incinerated the smaller ship!!!! AAAA! Why go through the bother of making them happy before toasting them like some insignificant insect? I was horrified at the alliance I had made with these leaders and having serious doubts about my safety with these seemingly amicable hosts. Then with no warning, the giant floating city started plowing through it's own accompanying fleet! Shock of shocks, no sense, no remorse, just destruction with the leader maintaining the same gleeful friendly expression as ever. Then, again no warning I was suddenly aware that the company would no longer be required of myself and my male traveling companion (I think it was an ex of mine that passed away 6 years ago) and a young child.... and WHOOSH! We were suddenly in the freezing depths of space, and the transition to death was swift and cool.
It was a misty, light slide like drifting into at a forming nebulous cloud, really beautiful! Then all three of us were in a waiting room. (Funny!) Clean and official, like a clinic's. We each were directed to our rooms, like state rooms in a boat. Tiny, clean with a bed and a chair and a couple of drawers, though I had nothing to put in them. Nobody minded if we wandered around our new surroundings... I looked around the corridors and found a few exits, but I didn't feel I knew enough to try them yet. I explained to the child and the man that we had to be dead, and they did not seem any more worried nor surprised than me. The child wanted to explore and so we went out one of the doors onto a farm road -- dirt with grass growing up the middle. There was an orchard of ripening red apples and brown cows grazing underneath. The cows seemed mildly interested in us looking with their soft brown eyes, chewing on their cud in the quiet manner that content cows have. The child liked them alot, the man seemed completely uninterested. We went on down the road and came to a very busy highway. All the vehicles were going in one direction and I couldn't see where they came from or where they were heading, but they all were shiny new fast cars and trucks (lots of Hummers with chrome) dream cars, luxury cars. The dirt road continued across the dangerous highway and the child bolted! There was a white limo just across the way with its passenger door open, beckoning. I was afraid of the limo and losing the kid, so I crossed the highway dodging traffic and caught the kid, dragging it back to the farm side. I felt I had saved it from something that looked good but wasn't really...
We went back to the waiting area building and the child asked where the man went. I cried. I knew he wasn't waiting anymore and a decision had been made, but I couldn't be sure what that was. Then the child was gone, and I new it was a very good decision so I cried even harder from joy. Then all alone in my stiff, waiting room chair, I woke up....!
I love weird vivid dreams like that. There must be mountains of symbolism in it!
I Love it when it happens.
Firstly, I was on some sort of bridge of a massive intergalactic capital city (a starship but it was the governing leaders of a nation). The leaders were negotiating a commerce or travel arrangement... they were fair and accomodating to the tiny (by comparison) ship that had approached them with the request. And then as the agreement was reached and everyone looked relieved and happy, and they prepared to turn their small ship home..... lo and behold, the large behemoth ship flared it's propulsion and simply incinerated the smaller ship!!!! AAAA! Why go through the bother of making them happy before toasting them like some insignificant insect? I was horrified at the alliance I had made with these leaders and having serious doubts about my safety with these seemingly amicable hosts. Then with no warning, the giant floating city started plowing through it's own accompanying fleet! Shock of shocks, no sense, no remorse, just destruction with the leader maintaining the same gleeful friendly expression as ever. Then, again no warning I was suddenly aware that the company would no longer be required of myself and my male traveling companion (I think it was an ex of mine that passed away 6 years ago) and a young child.... and WHOOSH! We were suddenly in the freezing depths of space, and the transition to death was swift and cool.
It was a misty, light slide like drifting into at a forming nebulous cloud, really beautiful! Then all three of us were in a waiting room. (Funny!) Clean and official, like a clinic's. We each were directed to our rooms, like state rooms in a boat. Tiny, clean with a bed and a chair and a couple of drawers, though I had nothing to put in them. Nobody minded if we wandered around our new surroundings... I looked around the corridors and found a few exits, but I didn't feel I knew enough to try them yet. I explained to the child and the man that we had to be dead, and they did not seem any more worried nor surprised than me. The child wanted to explore and so we went out one of the doors onto a farm road -- dirt with grass growing up the middle. There was an orchard of ripening red apples and brown cows grazing underneath. The cows seemed mildly interested in us looking with their soft brown eyes, chewing on their cud in the quiet manner that content cows have. The child liked them alot, the man seemed completely uninterested. We went on down the road and came to a very busy highway. All the vehicles were going in one direction and I couldn't see where they came from or where they were heading, but they all were shiny new fast cars and trucks (lots of Hummers with chrome) dream cars, luxury cars. The dirt road continued across the dangerous highway and the child bolted! There was a white limo just across the way with its passenger door open, beckoning. I was afraid of the limo and losing the kid, so I crossed the highway dodging traffic and caught the kid, dragging it back to the farm side. I felt I had saved it from something that looked good but wasn't really...
We went back to the waiting area building and the child asked where the man went. I cried. I knew he wasn't waiting anymore and a decision had been made, but I couldn't be sure what that was. Then the child was gone, and I new it was a very good decision so I cried even harder from joy. Then all alone in my stiff, waiting room chair, I woke up....!
I love weird vivid dreams like that. There must be mountains of symbolism in it!
9.24.2005
Clutter Beware!
I am on a mission! And for once I have the energy to face it head on!
Now some say my house isn't that bad, but I know better.... every cupboard, every drawer, every closet and corer of my home is stuffed solid with STUFF.
I even have furniture that I don't need. (Anyone want to buy a large, light, oak harvest table?)
You see most of the trouble is that I really enjoy looking at these things on their own ( I LOVE that table, but it will NOT fit in my kitchen nook), and I hang on to them because I WISH I had a place for them. The good news is that I think I have strength to let go -- I must remember where I live and the real physical limitations of my space!
I don't have Spider Girl's basement, nor her spare room/library to accumulate the treasures and crafts. The good news is the "family room" is really close to done! Which makes my living space that much bigger, but my storage space that much smaller.
Time to tighten the clutter belt with force and purpose!
So Spider Girl is getting some stuff for her flea market/travel fund and the local charities are getting some ugly old mismatched particleboard furniture that used to house craft materials.
Victory shall be MINE!
Now some say my house isn't that bad, but I know better.... every cupboard, every drawer, every closet and corer of my home is stuffed solid with STUFF.
I even have furniture that I don't need. (Anyone want to buy a large, light, oak harvest table?)
You see most of the trouble is that I really enjoy looking at these things on their own ( I LOVE that table, but it will NOT fit in my kitchen nook), and I hang on to them because I WISH I had a place for them. The good news is that I think I have strength to let go -- I must remember where I live and the real physical limitations of my space!
I don't have Spider Girl's basement, nor her spare room/library to accumulate the treasures and crafts. The good news is the "family room" is really close to done! Which makes my living space that much bigger, but my storage space that much smaller.
Time to tighten the clutter belt with force and purpose!
So Spider Girl is getting some stuff for her flea market/travel fund and the local charities are getting some ugly old mismatched particleboard furniture that used to house craft materials.
Victory shall be MINE!
9.23.2005
Sleep!
I had a fantastic sleep last night!
I went to bed at 10 pm fell asleep fairly quickly (for me) and I didn't stir until my hubby got up for work at around 5 and then fell right back asleep until my alarm went off at 7 am!!!!!
Glorious SLEEP!
Sometimes it's the simple things that make me the happiest.....
I went to bed at 10 pm fell asleep fairly quickly (for me) and I didn't stir until my hubby got up for work at around 5 and then fell right back asleep until my alarm went off at 7 am!!!!!
Glorious SLEEP!
Sometimes it's the simple things that make me the happiest.....
9.20.2005
the 21st ALREADY?!
Where did the month of September go?
So fast, and crazy, I just can't believe it.... I don't feel I have achieved enough for the month to have raced away that quickly.
Time is relative.
So fast, and crazy, I just can't believe it.... I don't feel I have achieved enough for the month to have raced away that quickly.
Time is relative.
9.15.2005
Me SLEEPY
I stayed up WAY past my bedtime last night working on a layout for a brochure that is still in the concept stages. I hate wasting my time on stuff like that, where I don't have the real copy and I don't have the real photos and I don't have a client budget, but I still need to close-crop, fit text and generally make it look FANTASTIC anyway..... I spent 8 hours straight on it and now I am spent. And there are still 2 panels to finish.... sigh... I'm tired.
I think I will lay on the couch and watch "treehouse" with my 4 year old.... BUT I still have the other clients to impress still this morning. So much for some brain-dead quality time.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................................
I think I will lay on the couch and watch "treehouse" with my 4 year old.... BUT I still have the other clients to impress still this morning. So much for some brain-dead quality time.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................................
9.14.2005
My new SYSTEM
Well, I think I have a system that shows promise for at least one area of my life....
Stevie has been diagnosed with ADHD (as anyone that knows me is aware), so school is a particular torture for him. Grade 3 is the most challenge he has ever faced already even after only a couple days. It is absolutely essential to build good work habits now or it will just get harder for him -- this isn't just my opinion, it is documented fact.
Stevie is very "reward" oriented, and I am going to use that to my advantage while teaching him responsibility for his own actions. I have devised a point system where each point is worth 10 cents. He can earn points very easily by doing his chores and his homework. He can earn "bonus points" by doing stuff without me having to ask, and by asking for extra chores. He will also be able to lose points for whining about his chores or homework or lying or skipping out on his homework, or hurting his brother.
Up till now the only consequence for not doing his work has been us getting angry, and he was able to draw and request out painfully with whining, procrastinating and temper tantrums. Now he knows that behaviour will cost him precious points! So far it has been well received, he was excited at the prospect of getting the points (and the $). And he has earned 8 points, but lost 2 of them. He's up 60 cents and proud of himself (and some homework got done!).
Stevie has been diagnosed with ADHD (as anyone that knows me is aware), so school is a particular torture for him. Grade 3 is the most challenge he has ever faced already even after only a couple days. It is absolutely essential to build good work habits now or it will just get harder for him -- this isn't just my opinion, it is documented fact.
Stevie is very "reward" oriented, and I am going to use that to my advantage while teaching him responsibility for his own actions. I have devised a point system where each point is worth 10 cents. He can earn points very easily by doing his chores and his homework. He can earn "bonus points" by doing stuff without me having to ask, and by asking for extra chores. He will also be able to lose points for whining about his chores or homework or lying or skipping out on his homework, or hurting his brother.
Up till now the only consequence for not doing his work has been us getting angry, and he was able to draw and request out painfully with whining, procrastinating and temper tantrums. Now he knows that behaviour will cost him precious points! So far it has been well received, he was excited at the prospect of getting the points (and the $). And he has earned 8 points, but lost 2 of them. He's up 60 cents and proud of himself (and some homework got done!).
9.13.2005
Its Fine
Thank you for your concern my dear friends.
I am now convinced it was anxiety after researching it more.
I WILL SEE A DOCTOR! But I am not too worried about it anymore.
Any-whoooo.....
Life is hectic and I can't keep up with my workload, but otherwise my personal life seems to be going well. I am trying so hard to set up a schedule that is good for my clients and my family... particularly for my oldest son who needs some structure for school.
Its hard for me, I have never been a particularly "disiplined" person when it comes to time and it seems to be getting worse instead of better these days.
Aaah well, we'll all survive!
I am now convinced it was anxiety after researching it more.
I WILL SEE A DOCTOR! But I am not too worried about it anymore.
Any-whoooo.....
Life is hectic and I can't keep up with my workload, but otherwise my personal life seems to be going well. I am trying so hard to set up a schedule that is good for my clients and my family... particularly for my oldest son who needs some structure for school.
Its hard for me, I have never been a particularly "disiplined" person when it comes to time and it seems to be getting worse instead of better these days.
Aaah well, we'll all survive!
9.11.2005
Weirdness
Now I am not trying to alarm anyone here..... and it probably is nothing.
I woke up last night to the sensation that we were having an Earthquake. Last time we had one of any signifigance, the bed shook -- gently bouncing me up and down, so I though that's what was happening. So I woke up my hubby, "Hey are you bouncing?" to which he responded, "Nope."
Okay, lets see what it is.... I rolled over onto my back to find the bouncing stop, but a rather fast and hard pounding in my chest!!!!!!! OH! I layed there awake for a bit. My breathing was normal, my temperature felt normal, no sweats, no dizzines, no lethargy nor giddiness.... so why the HECK is my heart pounding SO FAST AND HARD! Literally waking me from a sleep and jiggling my entire body!
I though about it, nothing seems out of whack and I am calm....?
I don't remember an alarming dream......?
I reach over and feel my hubby's chest. His heart is beating as regular as ever and at about 1/2 the rate of mine, he is sleeping soundly.
I give up and get out of bed. Wander around my place thinking and breathing calmly. It's not slowing so I just climb back into bed and resolve to check the internet when I wake up.
I fell back asleep no problem, go figure.
And I did check the internet this morning. Accoring to the symptoms lists, it couldn't have been a heart attack and it was unlikely to be an anxiety attack, so I am stumped. The rapid heart beat is always with something else. Vigorous excercise, over-full stomache, pain, sweatiness, emotional trauma, elevated adrenaline, SOMETHING! I am just going to have to chalk it up to WEIRD and mention it to my doctor next time I see her (soon).
I woke up last night to the sensation that we were having an Earthquake. Last time we had one of any signifigance, the bed shook -- gently bouncing me up and down, so I though that's what was happening. So I woke up my hubby, "Hey are you bouncing?" to which he responded, "Nope."
Okay, lets see what it is.... I rolled over onto my back to find the bouncing stop, but a rather fast and hard pounding in my chest!!!!!!! OH! I layed there awake for a bit. My breathing was normal, my temperature felt normal, no sweats, no dizzines, no lethargy nor giddiness.... so why the HECK is my heart pounding SO FAST AND HARD! Literally waking me from a sleep and jiggling my entire body!
I though about it, nothing seems out of whack and I am calm....?
I don't remember an alarming dream......?
I reach over and feel my hubby's chest. His heart is beating as regular as ever and at about 1/2 the rate of mine, he is sleeping soundly.
I give up and get out of bed. Wander around my place thinking and breathing calmly. It's not slowing so I just climb back into bed and resolve to check the internet when I wake up.
I fell back asleep no problem, go figure.
And I did check the internet this morning. Accoring to the symptoms lists, it couldn't have been a heart attack and it was unlikely to be an anxiety attack, so I am stumped. The rapid heart beat is always with something else. Vigorous excercise, over-full stomache, pain, sweatiness, emotional trauma, elevated adrenaline, SOMETHING! I am just going to have to chalk it up to WEIRD and mention it to my doctor next time I see her (soon).
9.10.2005
My Neighbourhood
Well, my oldest has had a whole day of school so far (thanks to the mystery illness). He was placed in a 3-4 split which alarmed me at first. I requested he get last year's teacher if she was teaching a 2-3 again, but that obviously didn't happen. I asked to talk to the new principal about the decision and it was REALLY obvious after she said their reasoning. It was that the 2-3 split had only four Grade 3 students, so the ones chosen had to be independent workers. Boy, that sure is NOT my boy! So that's good. The instructor that he is with is his first male instructor.... and he seems very nice and I have heard good things about him. He has the classroom on the very oposite end of the school than the other rooms (it used to be the music room).
The school seems to be growing in size every year, indeed it has more than 50 students more enrolled than the first year we were there. They are going to have to do portables at this rate by next year.... and the school is only5 years old! We are at maximum capacity and there are other Elementary schools not 15 minutes away are being shut down. Sad really.
Our neighbourhood is hot though, new homes filling every existing spare lot in the valley and new developments making the valley bigger too. The 2 lots next to us were cleared last summer, but the contractor got all funny about the grade so nothing has happened yet. 4 years ago we could have got those lots for about $20G each, now they are asking $55G for one and $70G for the other now that they have been cleared and the plans approved by the city to build.
I love my neighbourhood really. The school is really above par and the neighbourhood is a nice demographic of lower middle income families with a higher than average ratio of married with one income (ie stay-home parents). Pretty much exactly what we are! Most of the folks are supportive of each other (though there are some grow-ops here to be SURE). The homes are modest but mostly taken care of and there is a whole lot of kids!!!!!
And the real selling feature for this neighbourhood for me was the natural features that define the valley such as the ample amount of trees still standing and the lake, creek and marsh down at the bottom. Set that with the farm (and horses) at the bottom of the main road and you can visualize the rural feel to this suburban area. Yep -- I like it here.... now if only we had a detached shop and enough yard to plant some fruit trees we would never need to move!
The school seems to be growing in size every year, indeed it has more than 50 students more enrolled than the first year we were there. They are going to have to do portables at this rate by next year.... and the school is only5 years old! We are at maximum capacity and there are other Elementary schools not 15 minutes away are being shut down. Sad really.
Our neighbourhood is hot though, new homes filling every existing spare lot in the valley and new developments making the valley bigger too. The 2 lots next to us were cleared last summer, but the contractor got all funny about the grade so nothing has happened yet. 4 years ago we could have got those lots for about $20G each, now they are asking $55G for one and $70G for the other now that they have been cleared and the plans approved by the city to build.
I love my neighbourhood really. The school is really above par and the neighbourhood is a nice demographic of lower middle income families with a higher than average ratio of married with one income (ie stay-home parents). Pretty much exactly what we are! Most of the folks are supportive of each other (though there are some grow-ops here to be SURE). The homes are modest but mostly taken care of and there is a whole lot of kids!!!!!
And the real selling feature for this neighbourhood for me was the natural features that define the valley such as the ample amount of trees still standing and the lake, creek and marsh down at the bottom. Set that with the farm (and horses) at the bottom of the main road and you can visualize the rural feel to this suburban area. Yep -- I like it here.... now if only we had a detached shop and enough yard to plant some fruit trees we would never need to move!
9.08.2005
I'm Baaaack!
Well, I am back and its really very hectic. Quite suddenly within a day of being home, there were deadlines coming at me for ALL my clients!!!! Aaaah!
I am feeling extreme pressure to "let go" my assistant from that immovable force called my husband, but I just can't afford to right now without letting down some of my clients.
It's too much.
I am feeling extreme pressure to "let go" my assistant from that immovable force called my husband, but I just can't afford to right now without letting down some of my clients.
It's too much.
8.28.2005
ulcers suck
Well.... last night was interesting.
You know how I said I have an ulcer brewing?
Well the darling hubby has had several ulcer attackes over the years, serious enough for the emergency ward to treat him as though he was in mortal danger! Through abstinance of alcohol and watching his diet we have been lucky enough to not have had an episode for a while.
Alas, last night it came back and I took him to emergency (leaving the boys at my sister's rather suddenly). I was worried about him! It looks agonizing, and he is cold, clammy, pale and sweaty, he really does look in great peril!!!! The upside is that even a busy emergency ward treats these symptoms seriously and he was looked after relatively quickly. A quick hook up to the heart thingy confirmed it wasn't a heart attack and after that we were ignored for about an hour. What a long hour full of adult moans and a young girl screaming non stop (it was heart wrenching to listen to). Then a doctor came and 15 more minutes to get the medicine and another 1/2 hour to proove it was working and we were dismissed. It was about 2 1/2 hour total from leaving the hous to getting home. Not bad for the ugly, dirty, dilapitated, over worked hospital we have in this city.
He slept soundly when we got home, and when I finally got to sleep, I had really cool dreams that I was at Hogwarts ~
You know how I said I have an ulcer brewing?
Well the darling hubby has had several ulcer attackes over the years, serious enough for the emergency ward to treat him as though he was in mortal danger! Through abstinance of alcohol and watching his diet we have been lucky enough to not have had an episode for a while.
Alas, last night it came back and I took him to emergency (leaving the boys at my sister's rather suddenly). I was worried about him! It looks agonizing, and he is cold, clammy, pale and sweaty, he really does look in great peril!!!! The upside is that even a busy emergency ward treats these symptoms seriously and he was looked after relatively quickly. A quick hook up to the heart thingy confirmed it wasn't a heart attack and after that we were ignored for about an hour. What a long hour full of adult moans and a young girl screaming non stop (it was heart wrenching to listen to). Then a doctor came and 15 more minutes to get the medicine and another 1/2 hour to proove it was working and we were dismissed. It was about 2 1/2 hour total from leaving the hous to getting home. Not bad for the ugly, dirty, dilapitated, over worked hospital we have in this city.
He slept soundly when we got home, and when I finally got to sleep, I had really cool dreams that I was at Hogwarts ~
8.27.2005
Packing Packing Packing
I am very happy to report... camping went well for hubby and the boys! He moaned ever so slightly about not having the boat but the lake was warm the boys were good and they allowed campfires at this site! YAY a happy man came home, no accusations, no grumpy.
While they were gone I went out for lunch with some old work acquaintances, had a doctor's appointment, bought a bi-fold door at a lumber store (and a saw) and saw a client's at home office and picked up a cheque. It was very very pleasant and low-key. Then I topped it off with a glass of Benedictine as I made my simple dinner for one, watched "Shawn Of the Dead" (don't hate me, I thought it was clever and funny and I hate horror flicks of all kinds) AND climbed into the middle of my bed with tonnes of pillows, a heavy quantity of blankets and read the latest Harry Potter book until midnight...... sigh...... heavenly.
I had the house very clean by the time he came home (as I promised--- and it didn't take long with the kids gone and the work taken care of-- and as a bonus it STAYED clean until they got home!). I made a yummy dinner in celebration of their return and that was that.
Darling Tai reminded me that I haven't told enough of the people that I love that I am going AWAY for a few days!
My mom's ex-husband's family is having a family reunion and as his "honourary daughter" we are invited! We are heading there a few days early and taking space in a cottage on a lake, a whole week computerless and phoneless.... just with the kids and the hubby, our bicycles and a small boat.
My email is being redirected for my main client and all the other active clients are informed that I am not available. We have told the neighbours and my sister will be caring for Mo, Slick & Slimey, and of course Stanley and her hundred or so offspring (that's the cat, the goldfish and our stick-insects to those not in the know). I have been writing checklists and packing for all conditions --- apparently the weather up there is unpredictable.
Tee Hee. Not as exciting as lets say AFRICA or EUROPE like my other jet setting friends do -- heck, I won't even be leaving the province! But I am happy to get away for a bit anyway.
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!!!!
While they were gone I went out for lunch with some old work acquaintances, had a doctor's appointment, bought a bi-fold door at a lumber store (and a saw) and saw a client's at home office and picked up a cheque. It was very very pleasant and low-key. Then I topped it off with a glass of Benedictine as I made my simple dinner for one, watched "Shawn Of the Dead" (don't hate me, I thought it was clever and funny and I hate horror flicks of all kinds) AND climbed into the middle of my bed with tonnes of pillows, a heavy quantity of blankets and read the latest Harry Potter book until midnight...... sigh...... heavenly.
I had the house very clean by the time he came home (as I promised--- and it didn't take long with the kids gone and the work taken care of-- and as a bonus it STAYED clean until they got home!). I made a yummy dinner in celebration of their return and that was that.
Darling Tai reminded me that I haven't told enough of the people that I love that I am going AWAY for a few days!
My mom's ex-husband's family is having a family reunion and as his "honourary daughter" we are invited! We are heading there a few days early and taking space in a cottage on a lake, a whole week computerless and phoneless.... just with the kids and the hubby, our bicycles and a small boat.
My email is being redirected for my main client and all the other active clients are informed that I am not available. We have told the neighbours and my sister will be caring for Mo, Slick & Slimey, and of course Stanley and her hundred or so offspring (that's the cat, the goldfish and our stick-insects to those not in the know). I have been writing checklists and packing for all conditions --- apparently the weather up there is unpredictable.
Tee Hee. Not as exciting as lets say AFRICA or EUROPE like my other jet setting friends do -- heck, I won't even be leaving the province! But I am happy to get away for a bit anyway.
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!!!!
8.26.2005
the icing on the cake.....
Well isn't this the icing on the cake!
I have been getting funny cramps in my upper abdomin so I went to the doctor's today.
Guess who's getting an ulcer???!!!! The stress is now offically harming my health. YeeHaw.
I am so happy that I am leaving in a couple days for a week!
I have been getting funny cramps in my upper abdomin so I went to the doctor's today.
Guess who's getting an ulcer???!!!! The stress is now offically harming my health. YeeHaw.
I am so happy that I am leaving in a couple days for a week!
8.22.2005
Maybe I Should Drink
I used to wonder why people drank to escape their troubles. I wondered why they would make a problem worse by adding alcohol. I am really really starting to understand and it's freaking me out..... oh boy.
I have started thinking about how much less the noise of my kids fighting would bother me if my hearing was muffled; how my husband's moods just wouldn't be a factor in a happy haze; how I could just say "*F* you!" to any client that ticks me off if I was reinforced by some liquid courage..... oh boy!
It's 3:45 in the afternoon and the though of a little shot of Benedictine in my coffee sounds like just the thing. Fast acting and oh so smooth! I won't do it of course, because I really would rather face my REAL problems head on. (Yikes a vacation from my senses and responsibilities doesn't sound like an entirely bad thing either. )
(Is it time to head to Italy yet?)
You know what? This is a symptom of a bigger thing. I feel I have too much on my plate! And I feel guilty about it because I really don't have more on my plate than most people. I work and have a family -- yippy-- not exactly woman of the year accomplishments! And I don't even have to do it alone like so many people do. We aren't at war, we are all healthy and the bank account balance isn't giving the man of the house ulcers anymore! So what's my *f*ing problem here?
Every night I make resolutions with myself that aren't unreasonable:
Stick to regular business hours to work. Devote 1/2 hour a day to my oldest son's reading practice. Go for a walk. Put the laundry away. Pre-plan dinner. Maybe even water some plants!
It doesn't happen no matter what my good intentions are. So how about that drink? Anybody want to join me?
I have started thinking about how much less the noise of my kids fighting would bother me if my hearing was muffled; how my husband's moods just wouldn't be a factor in a happy haze; how I could just say "*F* you!" to any client that ticks me off if I was reinforced by some liquid courage..... oh boy!
It's 3:45 in the afternoon and the though of a little shot of Benedictine in my coffee sounds like just the thing. Fast acting and oh so smooth! I won't do it of course, because I really would rather face my REAL problems head on. (Yikes a vacation from my senses and responsibilities doesn't sound like an entirely bad thing either. )
(Is it time to head to Italy yet?)
You know what? This is a symptom of a bigger thing. I feel I have too much on my plate! And I feel guilty about it because I really don't have more on my plate than most people. I work and have a family -- yippy-- not exactly woman of the year accomplishments! And I don't even have to do it alone like so many people do. We aren't at war, we are all healthy and the bank account balance isn't giving the man of the house ulcers anymore! So what's my *f*ing problem here?
Every night I make resolutions with myself that aren't unreasonable:
Stick to regular business hours to work. Devote 1/2 hour a day to my oldest son's reading practice. Go for a walk. Put the laundry away. Pre-plan dinner. Maybe even water some plants!
It doesn't happen no matter what my good intentions are. So how about that drink? Anybody want to join me?
8.20.2005
A soldier I am not
I was given the unsavoury task Friday morning to fire my favourite male designer!
WAAAAHHH! No explanation, just a short email: "Dismiss him immediately and tell him not to touch anything else". Sure he's young, but we all were once. He has some skills I can't hope to learn quickly and his style is so different and fresh..... I told my boss it was a mistake.... by replying to the email he sent me.
I can't handle it. I don't think I could be in the army to take orders without a damn good reason. Nor could I be a general sending potentially good men out to stupid battles. I did as I was asked, but I will be confronting my boss about it. And it has most certainly damaged my respect for this older (and I thought wiser) marketing guru. I asked him to call me, but he hasn't yet.
I took the talented young lad out for lunch. He was so quiet, so calm, even optomistic despite a bleak financial near-future. He has stuck it out over the last slow couple of months, way more patient and faithful than I have ever been to a job (Hey, if it's not keeping a roof over my head, fed AND giving me satisfaction, I am moving on to greener pastures.)
I will still hire him for my own stuff.... all my other clients love his work and see his potential as much as I do. I truly truly hope his own business gains momentum quickly and he finds a stable and happy job too!
I am very very disapointed in my boss. A hair's breadth for quitting because I don't trust his judgment right now..... nope, not a soldier, not me, I have a strangely vital need for justification in every thing I do. I have to love it or have a really good reason to stay -- ugh.
WAAAAHHH! No explanation, just a short email: "Dismiss him immediately and tell him not to touch anything else". Sure he's young, but we all were once. He has some skills I can't hope to learn quickly and his style is so different and fresh..... I told my boss it was a mistake.... by replying to the email he sent me.
I can't handle it. I don't think I could be in the army to take orders without a damn good reason. Nor could I be a general sending potentially good men out to stupid battles. I did as I was asked, but I will be confronting my boss about it. And it has most certainly damaged my respect for this older (and I thought wiser) marketing guru. I asked him to call me, but he hasn't yet.
I took the talented young lad out for lunch. He was so quiet, so calm, even optomistic despite a bleak financial near-future. He has stuck it out over the last slow couple of months, way more patient and faithful than I have ever been to a job (Hey, if it's not keeping a roof over my head, fed AND giving me satisfaction, I am moving on to greener pastures.)
I will still hire him for my own stuff.... all my other clients love his work and see his potential as much as I do. I truly truly hope his own business gains momentum quickly and he finds a stable and happy job too!
I am very very disapointed in my boss. A hair's breadth for quitting because I don't trust his judgment right now..... nope, not a soldier, not me, I have a strangely vital need for justification in every thing I do. I have to love it or have a really good reason to stay -- ugh.
8.11.2005
Cold Porridge
I was in bed the other night, my mind going way too fast to sleep and I was thinking about what it was like to be depressed. Actually, I started out thinking about how happy I am and how beautiful everything looks these days and how thankful I am to be where I am these days.... but that lead me to think about the time when I wasn't that way...
I remember what it was like and it fills me with a coolness in my soul. I was trying to think of a quick, visual and tactile analogy. That closedness, the greyness, the complete deadening of experience...... and I think I have found it.
The feeling of being clinically depressed is like being forgotten, cold porridge spilled onto shag carpet. There is the mushy, tasteless nothingness, the perimeter of your grey, colourless existence seeping away and crusting at the edges, blurring with and bonding to the unpleasantness that you have been spilled on, and the inevitability of just becoming part of it's underlay. No pain, no pleasure, a useless texture and certainty of being worth nothing and even worse and a blind, nagging feeling of if you are noticed that it will be a horrific chore to anyone who discovers you. No perception of anything beyond your lumpy monotone borders, no hope of being anything but a mess, cold to the touch, small in dimension, lost in shrinking, cracking, gooey, lack of experience. You are utterly alone, but too inconsequential to even feel lonely, because that would be feeling something.
I bring this point home because I am the opposite of that right now! The world is HUGE and amazing and oh so colourful! It is crisp and clear and full of the most intense experiences!!!! So I truly hope I NEVER need to go through that again.
And I pray to the gods that love me that my darling hubby isn't there, because it sucks and you don't even know it sucks because you are just a forgotten pile of mush in ugly long strands of carpet.
I remember what it was like and it fills me with a coolness in my soul. I was trying to think of a quick, visual and tactile analogy. That closedness, the greyness, the complete deadening of experience...... and I think I have found it.
The feeling of being clinically depressed is like being forgotten, cold porridge spilled onto shag carpet. There is the mushy, tasteless nothingness, the perimeter of your grey, colourless existence seeping away and crusting at the edges, blurring with and bonding to the unpleasantness that you have been spilled on, and the inevitability of just becoming part of it's underlay. No pain, no pleasure, a useless texture and certainty of being worth nothing and even worse and a blind, nagging feeling of if you are noticed that it will be a horrific chore to anyone who discovers you. No perception of anything beyond your lumpy monotone borders, no hope of being anything but a mess, cold to the touch, small in dimension, lost in shrinking, cracking, gooey, lack of experience. You are utterly alone, but too inconsequential to even feel lonely, because that would be feeling something.
I bring this point home because I am the opposite of that right now! The world is HUGE and amazing and oh so colourful! It is crisp and clear and full of the most intense experiences!!!! So I truly hope I NEVER need to go through that again.
And I pray to the gods that love me that my darling hubby isn't there, because it sucks and you don't even know it sucks because you are just a forgotten pile of mush in ugly long strands of carpet.
8.10.2005
WAAAA!
I didn't get the job!
He went with the lowest bidder.
Sniff.... I feel rejected.... sob.
He did say he will use me for other things though>
I do have enough to keep me busy, I just wanted to keep my helper busy too!
I will carry on as before with a song in my heart and a spring in my step.....
He went with the lowest bidder.
Sniff.... I feel rejected.... sob.
He did say he will use me for other things though>
I do have enough to keep me busy, I just wanted to keep my helper busy too!
I will carry on as before with a song in my heart and a spring in my step.....
Full Steam Ahead!
Well, my meeting with the new mystery caller was like seeing an old friend.
Maybe I am imagining it but I felt a good connection. His home office was a MESS and he had 3 working monitors and not a square inch of flat surface was uncluttered..... looked alot like MY office! It was also downstairs and painted a deep red (like mine). It also turns out we know some of the same people (who are very nice folks). We chatted MSN for over 1/2 hour last night so his at home business is a whenever he feels like it day or night operation too! So much in common!
He needs a designer desperately for a lot of his materials. Of course he might not agree that what I think he needs and what he thinks he needs are the same thing, but I gave him a quote to see where we could go. He has another designer working on a quote as well, cross your fingers that I get it my friends!!!!! Timelines are VERY tight, but I want to do this one to set up a new "good-vibe" client. I find out today if it's mine.
Go see www.sonancy.com and see why he needs me! But ssshhhh.... he already knows he needs help so lets not tease him about it!
Maybe I am imagining it but I felt a good connection. His home office was a MESS and he had 3 working monitors and not a square inch of flat surface was uncluttered..... looked alot like MY office! It was also downstairs and painted a deep red (like mine). It also turns out we know some of the same people (who are very nice folks). We chatted MSN for over 1/2 hour last night so his at home business is a whenever he feels like it day or night operation too! So much in common!
He needs a designer desperately for a lot of his materials. Of course he might not agree that what I think he needs and what he thinks he needs are the same thing, but I gave him a quote to see where we could go. He has another designer working on a quote as well, cross your fingers that I get it my friends!!!!! Timelines are VERY tight, but I want to do this one to set up a new "good-vibe" client. I find out today if it's mine.
Go see www.sonancy.com and see why he needs me! But ssshhhh.... he already knows he needs help so lets not tease him about it!
8.08.2005
Opportunity knocks
Today was very nice, it had a slow start but a nice finish.
I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning, but it is amazing how knowing an employee will be walking in the door in 1/2 hour can motivate a speedy morning routine (skip the breakfast).
The boys were wrestling upstairs (one is 8 and one is 4, but it is strangely a pretty even match). And eventually the bigger of the 2 started to sob, immediately followed by the gasping wails of the younger sibling! Yes one accidentally caused a nose bleed and retaliated with a punch in the stomach. Ick. But it turned out fine somehow after they had been banished to separate rooms for a while.
I dragged them off the their respective summer activities and took myself out to the bank and a leisurely lunch of sushi at my favourite little place. But the best was to come.
When I got home the phone rang to a familiar and friendly voice. A long, lost client of mine had a new job and needed a new branding campaign! Hooray! I love this gal and she is the daughter of one of my best clients (I do work for his son too, so I've become a real monopoly on this family's design needs!). Joy of joys! And before I had gotten off the high of that call the phone rings again!
"Good Afternoon!" I answer in my most twinkling, smiley voice. This is where I make the assumption that another of my dear clients is following up on an email proof right when he said he would..... a very friendly "Hi" is the response and I continue with my assumption...
"Oh Hi!" I burst out happily.
"How busy are you lately?" He asks.... I suspect it isn't who I thought it was.... but he could have a cold...
"Not too bad, what so you have in mind?" I answer, Still very happy and optimistic that it is my dear client.
"I gave you a brief outline in the email, do you have time to meet tomorrow?" He asks. (It still could be the fellow I thought, but the voice isn't quite right, but the attitude is very approachable, so I answer with a safe one)
"Sure, where and when?" This question should clear it up!
"11:00 at........." he replies. A-HA! Not who I thought it was! BUT a whole new potential client that I met at a Chamber of Commerce meeting 2 weeks ago! And I remember the email suddenly and I remember his face and all is well because he really could be another "dear client" if my first impression of him is correct!!!
Then I hang up that call and there is another client, a tried-and-true-lots-and-lots-of-billable-hours client that also wants to meet tomorrow morning first thing.
And the dear client that I was actually expecting did call after that and sent me the changes I was waiting for on the proof.... whew.
Within an hour I went from kinda leisurely day to "HOLY SHIT I'M BUSY!" which is very good news as I don't want my assistant to look elsewhere for work!
So I have spent the last 3 hours going over my portfolio trying to clean it up and update it for tomorrows meeting with the mystery caller (he must think I am a very friendly person).
I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning, but it is amazing how knowing an employee will be walking in the door in 1/2 hour can motivate a speedy morning routine (skip the breakfast).
The boys were wrestling upstairs (one is 8 and one is 4, but it is strangely a pretty even match). And eventually the bigger of the 2 started to sob, immediately followed by the gasping wails of the younger sibling! Yes one accidentally caused a nose bleed and retaliated with a punch in the stomach. Ick. But it turned out fine somehow after they had been banished to separate rooms for a while.
I dragged them off the their respective summer activities and took myself out to the bank and a leisurely lunch of sushi at my favourite little place. But the best was to come.
When I got home the phone rang to a familiar and friendly voice. A long, lost client of mine had a new job and needed a new branding campaign! Hooray! I love this gal and she is the daughter of one of my best clients (I do work for his son too, so I've become a real monopoly on this family's design needs!). Joy of joys! And before I had gotten off the high of that call the phone rings again!
"Good Afternoon!" I answer in my most twinkling, smiley voice. This is where I make the assumption that another of my dear clients is following up on an email proof right when he said he would..... a very friendly "Hi" is the response and I continue with my assumption...
"Oh Hi!" I burst out happily.
"How busy are you lately?" He asks.... I suspect it isn't who I thought it was.... but he could have a cold...
"Not too bad, what so you have in mind?" I answer, Still very happy and optimistic that it is my dear client.
"I gave you a brief outline in the email, do you have time to meet tomorrow?" He asks. (It still could be the fellow I thought, but the voice isn't quite right, but the attitude is very approachable, so I answer with a safe one)
"Sure, where and when?" This question should clear it up!
"11:00 at........." he replies. A-HA! Not who I thought it was! BUT a whole new potential client that I met at a Chamber of Commerce meeting 2 weeks ago! And I remember the email suddenly and I remember his face and all is well because he really could be another "dear client" if my first impression of him is correct!!!
Then I hang up that call and there is another client, a tried-and-true-lots-and-lots-of-billable-hours client that also wants to meet tomorrow morning first thing.
And the dear client that I was actually expecting did call after that and sent me the changes I was waiting for on the proof.... whew.
Within an hour I went from kinda leisurely day to "HOLY SHIT I'M BUSY!" which is very good news as I don't want my assistant to look elsewhere for work!
So I have spent the last 3 hours going over my portfolio trying to clean it up and update it for tomorrows meeting with the mystery caller (he must think I am a very friendly person).
8.07.2005
Gone
So sorry for the run-on paragraphs in the last entry!
So hard to read that way!!!!!
I really had made seperate paragraphs -- honest! But when I cut and pasted the image of the spider to where I wanted it, I neglected to notice that the paragraphs had all MELDED together. OOOPS!
Sorry.
Really Sorry......
So sorry....
So hard to read that way!!!!!
I really had made seperate paragraphs -- honest! But when I cut and pasted the image of the spider to where I wanted it, I neglected to notice that the paragraphs had all MELDED together. OOOPS!
Sorry.
Really Sorry......
So sorry....
8.06.2005
I love Spiders too
Spider Girl inspired this entry.... I have had a few pet spiders in my day too.... I remember Wilma with fondness, she was my little red bathroom spider that I had after my sister left home and my dad had been diagnosed with Cancer. Every day as I came in there to brush my teeth shower or those other things that happens in bathrooms, I would happily scan around the ceiling until I found her, and she made me smile. The second spider that I could call a pet was a dream one. I had simply the happiest pet dream ever! It was an adorable jumping spider, the size of a puppy and the personality of one too.... from waking up on that dream I have always thought jumping spiders were simply WONDERFUL! And love them to bits. The third jumping spider I could call a pet was Mrs. Spider, she was a rather LARGE orb weaver, the kind that have the orange and brown striped backsides, and she somehow made it into my living room window (on the inside) and decided to stay. I felt sorry for her so I would toss her any stray bug in the house. Mrs. Spider taught my very young son that spiders are actually nice, helpful parts of our lives. Of course they aren't ALWAYS my friends. Like Spider Girl says, it's the UNEXPECTEDNESS of them that is sometimes uncomfortable (heck clothing draped over chairs in dim light have been known to get a little squeak out of me). And there are the downright scary ones, like the time I brough a dresser up drom my basement and happily used it to house my nighties beside the bed..... I went to put on one of the garments and a black, shiny, delicate creature climbed out as I was climbing in! Now I didn't get a chance to see if she had an hourglass on her abdomen.... I was too busy hopping out my patio door and shaking the heebee jeebee's out of myself and my flannel frock!!!! In the right context I would have loved to observe her more closely, but that close to my most sensitive areas, just before bed was not the time nor the place. Just last night a rather HUMONGOUS house spider gave me a shock in my own bathroom. I managed not to scream but instead calmly said "Oh! Where did you come from?" If it didn't look more nervous than me I may have been genuinely scared! It was huge! You know how these things can get big right? Well this one easily could have been cast as a body double for the "Arachnophobia" movie! I felt a little trapped where I was, and when my son called me, I told him I was a bit nervous about something... so of course he came to investigate and he actually screamed out loud and ran away muttering "I wish you hadn't showed me that". I gathered courage after observing that it was frozen in the light (probably hoping I hadn't noticed it), and chased it with a cup. When it decided to move it was startlingly quick! And made a hasty escape to my baseboard heater. The thing had to crouch up to fit, but it did it. I banged on the metal trying to get it to scurry out, but it just balled up its long spiky legged more with every clang. I had to call in reinforcements! I got my husband to come into the room and upon seeing his broad shoulders I reverted immediately to the role of timid female. He removed the cover on the heater and caught it in a basket for me (with me watching from just behind the safety of behind him.... suddenly it occurred to me that spiders that size may be able to JUMP!). I said "are you going to kill it or let it go?" he replied "what ever you want". So I asked him to let it go outside, and it hastily ran for the nearest safe cover of a fallen maple leaf. I am not usually timid with the 8-legged bug eaters in my home, in fact I encourage them at every turn, and when they get too big for my comfort, or if they are obviously lost garden spiders I generally catch them gently and set them free myself. There are always exceptions..... and at least I didn't jump up onto my chair and squeal (this time). And then there was the time I got a spider bite on my ankle. Well, it kept getting bigger and uglier and bigger and uglier until I finally gave up and went to the doctor's. Either a male Hobo spider or Brown Recluse managed to nibble on me (probably from the basement again) and the result was a necrotizing sort of effect of pulpy purple bruised flesh. Really GROSS but not an open wound, a couple weeks of antibiotics cured it, but the scar hung around for about a year. The result of that experience was NOT me being more afraid of spiders oddly enough. Instead, I went on a crusade to find all that I could about the local spiders! I searched on the internet, got books from the library, everything I could. Which spider could have done this to me? What did it look like? What was its normal habitat? The knowledge was liberating and made it way more comfortable to share my home with more spiders! I realized not all arachnids are equal, not at all. There were only 3 that I need to avoid contact with in my area, and 2 of those are hard to find in our modern homes. The Brown Recluse is just that, reclusive, and if you shake your boots out after they have been outside or in the basement, you are unlikely to get bit. The Black Widow is mostly found in tight, dark, sheltered places like wood piles, outhouses and garden sheds.... and their bites aren't serious unless they go undetected or you are a young child or unhealthy adult bit in a sensitive area (if you know what I mean). Now the third one, the male Hobo spider.... much more common, much more aggressive and I suspect it's the one that got me on the ankle. At least they are easy to identify with their violin shape on their backs and "boxing glove" appandages off their faces (I kill Male Hobo Spiders on sight.... hate to admit it, but my children's pink limbs are more valuable to me than maintaining good relations within the spider community. )
See the exerp from : http://spidertrap.com/hobo_spider_information.htm
The Hobo Spider is one of the most dangerously venomous spiders in western North America. The Hobo Sp
ider, originating from Europe began its infestation of the continental USA in the Port of Seattle some time before the 1930's. Most poisonous spider bites in the western half of the USA are due to the Hobo spider. A venomous bite from a Hobo or Brown Recluse Spider can be severe. Necrotic arachnidism results from envenomation (venom poisoning) from the bite of Hobo, or Recluse. It occurs due to the venom's ability to clot blood that results in an area of tissue receiving inadequate blood flow and thus dying secondary to oxygen starvation.
So they are not spared in my world. Now you know and you don't have to fear the innocent and helpful spiders any more! Knowledge is power, ignorance breeds fear and all those fabulously wise sayings hold true here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See the exerp from : http://spidertrap.com/hobo_spider_information.htm
The Hobo Spider is one of the most dangerously venomous spiders in western North America. The Hobo Sp
ider, originating from Europe began its infestation of the continental USA in the Port of Seattle some time before the 1930's. Most poisonous spider bites in the western half of the USA are due to the Hobo spider. A venomous bite from a Hobo or Brown Recluse Spider can be severe. Necrotic arachnidism results from envenomation (venom poisoning) from the bite of Hobo, or Recluse. It occurs due to the venom's ability to clot blood that results in an area of tissue receiving inadequate blood flow and thus dying secondary to oxygen starvation. So they are not spared in my world. Now you know and you don't have to fear the innocent and helpful spiders any more! Knowledge is power, ignorance breeds fear and all those fabulously wise sayings hold true here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8.04.2005
I LOVE Dreaming!
I thought I would take a much needed break from whining about marital issues..... darling Tai has me seeing the light, it's not my burden to internalize it, and I have decided to support where I can and let him be responsible for his own reactions.
Back to the real reason for the blog entry..... DREAMS!
I love dreaming, they change my perspectives on things so quickly that it is sometimes alarming. A while ago a coworker that I was seeing as background noise suddenly became someone I am embarrassed to look in the eyes because of a subconscious nocturnal intimacy.... or a very very nice kiss while making tea in a sundrenched kitchen in my dreams creating a crush that still haunts me when I think about it ~~~~ sigh ~~~~
Much easier to take is the more recent dream, someone I was thinking about being attracted to is now more of a fun cousin thanks to a couple of dreams playing him as my son.... (very cute seeing a 6'4" guy giving me a sparkly glitter glue and construction paper Christmas card that he made himself). Completely changing my perspective and for once making it a much more comfortable place.
I know these are just dreams, my subconscious working out synapses and chemical reactions while my batteries recharge, but wow! Lots of power no matter how much I try to reason my way out of them.
Just the other night I dreamt about my favourite cousin, we were kids again but things were different in that we had a chance to play together and really be friends. It was a fun, beautiful dream and I wish it had really happened. My family was spread out across the country and no matter how much I liked my cousins, we would never had had a chance to be friends really. Poo.
And night before last I dreamt that my life had followed a different path, it was present day, my dad had not died of cancer (he wasn't in this dream, but you know how you just KNOW in these sorts of dreams), and I was single but just getting a relationship seriously rekindled with a JR. Highschool sweetheart (bean) and it was that whole nervous about the feeling, exciting, dangerous risking of the heart and all that, trying to get to know one another.... things I haven't felt in over a decade really. It was interesting really. Can't say I want to date ever again really, but it was still very, very nice to explore that alternate universe of "could have been" for a little while.
I want to go on and on about the other powerful and life changing dreams I have had.... maybe I should another time. I would keep a dream journal, but given the sensitive content....
Back to the real reason for the blog entry..... DREAMS!
I love dreaming, they change my perspectives on things so quickly that it is sometimes alarming. A while ago a coworker that I was seeing as background noise suddenly became someone I am embarrassed to look in the eyes because of a subconscious nocturnal intimacy.... or a very very nice kiss while making tea in a sundrenched kitchen in my dreams creating a crush that still haunts me when I think about it ~~~~ sigh ~~~~
Much easier to take is the more recent dream, someone I was thinking about being attracted to is now more of a fun cousin thanks to a couple of dreams playing him as my son.... (very cute seeing a 6'4" guy giving me a sparkly glitter glue and construction paper Christmas card that he made himself). Completely changing my perspective and for once making it a much more comfortable place.
I know these are just dreams, my subconscious working out synapses and chemical reactions while my batteries recharge, but wow! Lots of power no matter how much I try to reason my way out of them.
Just the other night I dreamt about my favourite cousin, we were kids again but things were different in that we had a chance to play together and really be friends. It was a fun, beautiful dream and I wish it had really happened. My family was spread out across the country and no matter how much I liked my cousins, we would never had had a chance to be friends really. Poo.
And night before last I dreamt that my life had followed a different path, it was present day, my dad had not died of cancer (he wasn't in this dream, but you know how you just KNOW in these sorts of dreams), and I was single but just getting a relationship seriously rekindled with a JR. Highschool sweetheart (bean) and it was that whole nervous about the feeling, exciting, dangerous risking of the heart and all that, trying to get to know one another.... things I haven't felt in over a decade really. It was interesting really. Can't say I want to date ever again really, but it was still very, very nice to explore that alternate universe of "could have been" for a little while.
I want to go on and on about the other powerful and life changing dreams I have had.... maybe I should another time. I would keep a dream journal, but given the sensitive content....
8.03.2005
Eggshells Indeed
Tai, you are right.
(Beware, this blog entry goes off on every tangent)
I am walking on Eggshells, I am constantly gauging his emotions ahead of my own.... and it is a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work! So what are the options here?
I have invested more than a decade of time, huge resources and the very lives of 2 offspring into this equation. That is a whole lot of collateral damage if we can't make it work. I have expressed my frustration and forcibly pried the source of his frustration from him, it was exhausting!
So can we say "you bug me sometimes" and move on? I sure hope it's got a little more mettle than that. He WILL have to accept that I have a thriving career (that I actually LIKE for the most part) .... and he WILL have to accept that I have friends that are even as dear to me as he is!.... and he WILL have to accept there is a man working in my den that is doing a good job and NOT threatening his position as the man of the house.... and last but not least he WILL have to accept that I am not as sexual a creature as I once was (the threats were true -- kids crashed my drive). He UNDERSTANDS these are his issues to battle with, and he says he is embarrassed by them and that's why he hasn't brought it up.... but we all see how effective bottling it in is, now don't we?! Shame on him, says I'm his best friend but isn't honest with what bugs him. Now I am not quitting my job just yet, the income is really very helpful, and I find it just plain great to have a place outside the framework of the home where I am appreciated (poor hubby doesn't)... if my job gets icky or the kids need me that may change. I am not getting rid of the young guy working with me if I can keep him working, cause he is very good and knows more about the programs (he learns business, I learn computers its win win -- not to mention having another "adult" to bounce ideas off of is very very productive!)... AND the sex drive thing, I will see my doctor about it. Maybe I just need some exercise to feel sexier or something.... I'd like to feel that old drive again anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are other things though.... he gets no respect at work and can't figure out why... and now he feels he is getting less at home. It's been diluted since I have been working, so it is an all round dampening of his self-esteem. I simply don't have time to hang on his every word or fill his every request (never did!) the house is more of a mess the kids are pretty much independent and I am writing emails or on the phone from dawn till dusk. He's neglected.... boohoo. Men are babies, you know that, even the manliest of them.
You know my hubby is a manly man (to a fault)! A PROVIDER, a sexual machine, an enforcer, a protector, a fixer of all things broken!!!! But he feels lost right now, his roles, his very identity are threatened. I feel his pain, but I confess, though I want him to be better, I am not stopping my good thing to make him feel more of a man. If he made some changes, like he really wanted things to improve.... like find a different job!.... maybe I would believe him.
Damn it, you are right! What does it take to get some action?! Marrying a negative person was more difficult that I thought. Does he think he deserves this shit?! I don't know, but he needs to show some action soon or I am going to lose my patience! I guess we are going to be up late talking again. He needs an action plan and he doesn't know how to make it. So I guess it's up to me to force it~ sounds evil.... hate to force it on his grown self....
I'll let you know what WE have decided as a team. Ya that's it, a team effort --- with me coaching.
(Beware, this blog entry goes off on every tangent)
I am walking on Eggshells, I am constantly gauging his emotions ahead of my own.... and it is a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work! So what are the options here?
I have invested more than a decade of time, huge resources and the very lives of 2 offspring into this equation. That is a whole lot of collateral damage if we can't make it work. I have expressed my frustration and forcibly pried the source of his frustration from him, it was exhausting!
So can we say "you bug me sometimes" and move on? I sure hope it's got a little more mettle than that. He WILL have to accept that I have a thriving career (that I actually LIKE for the most part) .... and he WILL have to accept that I have friends that are even as dear to me as he is!.... and he WILL have to accept there is a man working in my den that is doing a good job and NOT threatening his position as the man of the house.... and last but not least he WILL have to accept that I am not as sexual a creature as I once was (the threats were true -- kids crashed my drive). He UNDERSTANDS these are his issues to battle with, and he says he is embarrassed by them and that's why he hasn't brought it up.... but we all see how effective bottling it in is, now don't we?! Shame on him, says I'm his best friend but isn't honest with what bugs him. Now I am not quitting my job just yet, the income is really very helpful, and I find it just plain great to have a place outside the framework of the home where I am appreciated (poor hubby doesn't)... if my job gets icky or the kids need me that may change. I am not getting rid of the young guy working with me if I can keep him working, cause he is very good and knows more about the programs (he learns business, I learn computers its win win -- not to mention having another "adult" to bounce ideas off of is very very productive!)... AND the sex drive thing, I will see my doctor about it. Maybe I just need some exercise to feel sexier or something.... I'd like to feel that old drive again anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are other things though.... he gets no respect at work and can't figure out why... and now he feels he is getting less at home. It's been diluted since I have been working, so it is an all round dampening of his self-esteem. I simply don't have time to hang on his every word or fill his every request (never did!) the house is more of a mess the kids are pretty much independent and I am writing emails or on the phone from dawn till dusk. He's neglected.... boohoo. Men are babies, you know that, even the manliest of them.
You know my hubby is a manly man (to a fault)! A PROVIDER, a sexual machine, an enforcer, a protector, a fixer of all things broken!!!! But he feels lost right now, his roles, his very identity are threatened. I feel his pain, but I confess, though I want him to be better, I am not stopping my good thing to make him feel more of a man. If he made some changes, like he really wanted things to improve.... like find a different job!.... maybe I would believe him.
Damn it, you are right! What does it take to get some action?! Marrying a negative person was more difficult that I thought. Does he think he deserves this shit?! I don't know, but he needs to show some action soon or I am going to lose my patience! I guess we are going to be up late talking again. He needs an action plan and he doesn't know how to make it. So I guess it's up to me to force it~ sounds evil.... hate to force it on his grown self....
I'll let you know what WE have decided as a team. Ya that's it, a team effort --- with me coaching.
7.28.2005
My Familyroom has DRYWALL!!!!
I am so excited! There is an area in my basement we have called the "future familyroom" since we moved in 6 years ago.... and finally after all this time it has drywall, and I bought PAINT!!!
It is very, very expensive to hire a drywaller to do jsut a room and a hallway these days, did you know that? 4 years ago we got someone to finish the mudding, taping and ceiling in my den for a measly $300 cash. Times were slower for tradesmen back then, but NOW in our booming neighbourhood.... Most of the drywallers I called for quotes supressed laughters of contempt for such a piddly job as mine, and the 2 that were polite enough to come out to quote had what can only be described as SHOCKING quotes. Apparently they are so busy that they can mud several jobs a day (while waiting for it to dry for the next coat) and with what they are chargin' Wholly Moley they better get it done quick! You are dying to know what the damage is aren't you.... well the quote was for $1640 + tax. Quite an increase in 4 years, eh? But Vanne will be proud to know I was very sweet the whole job and by the time it was said and done I talked him down to $1500 with taxes in. YIKES!
It really does look fabulous though, I am a happy homeowner as long as I don't think too much about what still is left to be done. Floors, lights, paint, trim, a closet door, window casings.......
It is very, very expensive to hire a drywaller to do jsut a room and a hallway these days, did you know that? 4 years ago we got someone to finish the mudding, taping and ceiling in my den for a measly $300 cash. Times were slower for tradesmen back then, but NOW in our booming neighbourhood.... Most of the drywallers I called for quotes supressed laughters of contempt for such a piddly job as mine, and the 2 that were polite enough to come out to quote had what can only be described as SHOCKING quotes. Apparently they are so busy that they can mud several jobs a day (while waiting for it to dry for the next coat) and with what they are chargin' Wholly Moley they better get it done quick! You are dying to know what the damage is aren't you.... well the quote was for $1640 + tax. Quite an increase in 4 years, eh? But Vanne will be proud to know I was very sweet the whole job and by the time it was said and done I talked him down to $1500 with taxes in. YIKES!
It really does look fabulous though, I am a happy homeowner as long as I don't think too much about what still is left to be done. Floors, lights, paint, trim, a closet door, window casings.......
7.25.2005
TOO HOT FOR ME!
Okay, it's been a mild summer thus far on the West Coast of Canada.... really my favourite kind of summer. I still could get away with a light, long sleeve shirt up until 2 weeks ago thanks to lots of cloud cover. Some may call it dreary, but GREEN is my favourite colour for plants, so the grey skies suit me just fine.
NOW HOWEVER it is sunny. It was nice for a while, getting out in shorts, seeing the Bard on the Beach with friends..... but enough already! It's getting stinking hot! I have zero concentration and a short fuse in this weather. Working is darned near impossible, I hate to cook when I'm hot, the laundry doesn't get folded, housework of any sort feels like torture (more than usual), cuddling with my husband is out of the question... I could whine endlessly.... and I think I might, because it's MY BLOG [insert evil laughter here]. Sunscreen is icky but I burn fast, I don't like wearing hats when I'm hot, short sharts are getting inappropriate with my "Badges of Motherhood" aka stretchmarks, vericose viens and cottage cheese style cellulite.... icky picture, eh? Really though the very worst part of the heat HAS to be the swelling. My extremities are swollen alarmingly: chubby fingers, painful toes, swollen neck, its really unattractive and uncomfortable, especially typing.... (what the heck am I doing at my computer then!)
I am drinking lots of water, and spritzing myself and trying not to move around TOO much.... dinners are definately challenging there is no doubt about that. Last night it was tortillas/soft tacos and I put some chili in the slow cooker this morning, so a winter comfort food on a hot summer's evening will have to do.
I really can't for the life of me figure out how anyone in a less temperate area of the world SURVIVES this -- for longer and hotter! I love my Vancouver Island location, really really really really I do.
Rain-rain come back for a bit, I miss you!!!!!
NOW HOWEVER it is sunny. It was nice for a while, getting out in shorts, seeing the Bard on the Beach with friends..... but enough already! It's getting stinking hot! I have zero concentration and a short fuse in this weather. Working is darned near impossible, I hate to cook when I'm hot, the laundry doesn't get folded, housework of any sort feels like torture (more than usual), cuddling with my husband is out of the question... I could whine endlessly.... and I think I might, because it's MY BLOG [insert evil laughter here]. Sunscreen is icky but I burn fast, I don't like wearing hats when I'm hot, short sharts are getting inappropriate with my "Badges of Motherhood" aka stretchmarks, vericose viens and cottage cheese style cellulite.... icky picture, eh? Really though the very worst part of the heat HAS to be the swelling. My extremities are swollen alarmingly: chubby fingers, painful toes, swollen neck, its really unattractive and uncomfortable, especially typing.... (what the heck am I doing at my computer then!)
I am drinking lots of water, and spritzing myself and trying not to move around TOO much.... dinners are definately challenging there is no doubt about that. Last night it was tortillas/soft tacos and I put some chili in the slow cooker this morning, so a winter comfort food on a hot summer's evening will have to do.
I really can't for the life of me figure out how anyone in a less temperate area of the world SURVIVES this -- for longer and hotter! I love my Vancouver Island location, really really really really I do.
Rain-rain come back for a bit, I miss you!!!!!
7.23.2005
A Perfect Day Continued
Where was I?
Oh yes, his little crooked monkey feet. He had a great time on the equipment, hanging, swinging, balancing, jumping, throwing, riding, climbing!!!! She said he has great coordination for ANY age, in fact I think she used the word "superstar". (He did after all learn to ride a 2-wheeler without training wheels well befre his 4th birthday! and now at 4 he is popping wheelies and trying jumps ---- oooh what am I in for!) I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it. I am coordinated enough not to get hurt, and sometimes not even that. Dancing or any rhythmic excercise is better left to someone else. And my darling hubby is not much better (at dancing anyways) though he is very strong and very in control of his balance, so that goes far. In my own defence, my aim when throwing anything is almost surgical in precision, I got out of doing sit-ups in gym class more than once by swishing a few baskets in a row.
Back to the perfect day (it sure is easy to get distracted with these blog things....). After playing a whole hour at the Physio's assessment gym, me and my darling boy headed out into a perfect day and looked at flooring for our soon-to-be-completed basement familyroom. Now that may not sound like fun to some, but I love it! THEN we drove by the SPCA and oogled at the dogs.... I am a dog person and always had them growing up, big ones, little ones. And cats too. I feel somehow sad that my kids don't have a 4-legged companion. We have a cat and as cats go he is extraordinary, patient, cuddly and even comes when called -- but he is pushing 17 years old and the kids need to treat him with some respect, not that he gets it..... he's just not a rough and tumlble play buddy like a dog is. ANYWAY!!!!!! There were a couple of potential family members in there, one in particular that had been there only one night dropped off by a growing family that had no room in their new fenceless home. She was sweet, not too big and obviously NOT abused. They said she is still skittish about the kennel situation, and come back on Tuesday to see her again. (My darling Hubby says no dogs while we live here, but we are going to be here for so long that it seems silly to cut a dog out of the equation).......
So after we left with slightly broken, but still optomistic hearts, we carried on to the next flooring place (JOY!) and then stopped to get a couple of SLURPEES, this is a rare and wonderful treat for my boys as I have probably bought a total of 3 SLURPEES in their entire lives.
My timing couldn't have been better all day. All this was done at leisure and I still had time to shop for my grocery list at the local grocery store before picking up my eldest son from the park at 4!!!! I passed my sweaty little man my SLURPEE and we went home. Refreshed from the icy drink, happy with the memories of a somehow relaxing full day out. Now this is a truly amazing event really and anyone who knows me lately would know how unusual it is. Any day where I need to leave the house with one or both kids is usually VERY VERY stressful! Getting them out and in the car on time, "NOW! NOW! NOW!" I bellow at them like a drill sergeant.... and the struggle at every stop to keep them near, keep them from destroying EVERYTHING they touch, get them to leave and load back into the car for the next excrutiating stop..... but not this day!!!!!!! It went SO SMOOTH, I was relaxed, I was on time, I got everything on my list done..... sigh. Happy day.
And the great thing is, I managed to get the groceries away, a load of laundry taken care of and dinner made before my hubby got home and I left to babysit my sister's kids for their date night. Top that off with her 2 year old boy being really sweet and the 3 month old baby being a cooing smiling angel the whole time they were gone, and you just have to know the Gods of mercy and goodwill were smiling on me all day.
So far today has been delightful as well, maybe I can do this thing called my life after all!
Oh yes, his little crooked monkey feet. He had a great time on the equipment, hanging, swinging, balancing, jumping, throwing, riding, climbing!!!! She said he has great coordination for ANY age, in fact I think she used the word "superstar". (He did after all learn to ride a 2-wheeler without training wheels well befre his 4th birthday! and now at 4 he is popping wheelies and trying jumps ---- oooh what am I in for!) I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it. I am coordinated enough not to get hurt, and sometimes not even that. Dancing or any rhythmic excercise is better left to someone else. And my darling hubby is not much better (at dancing anyways) though he is very strong and very in control of his balance, so that goes far. In my own defence, my aim when throwing anything is almost surgical in precision, I got out of doing sit-ups in gym class more than once by swishing a few baskets in a row.
Back to the perfect day (it sure is easy to get distracted with these blog things....). After playing a whole hour at the Physio's assessment gym, me and my darling boy headed out into a perfect day and looked at flooring for our soon-to-be-completed basement familyroom. Now that may not sound like fun to some, but I love it! THEN we drove by the SPCA and oogled at the dogs.... I am a dog person and always had them growing up, big ones, little ones. And cats too. I feel somehow sad that my kids don't have a 4-legged companion. We have a cat and as cats go he is extraordinary, patient, cuddly and even comes when called -- but he is pushing 17 years old and the kids need to treat him with some respect, not that he gets it..... he's just not a rough and tumlble play buddy like a dog is. ANYWAY!!!!!! There were a couple of potential family members in there, one in particular that had been there only one night dropped off by a growing family that had no room in their new fenceless home. She was sweet, not too big and obviously NOT abused. They said she is still skittish about the kennel situation, and come back on Tuesday to see her again. (My darling Hubby says no dogs while we live here, but we are going to be here for so long that it seems silly to cut a dog out of the equation).......
So after we left with slightly broken, but still optomistic hearts, we carried on to the next flooring place (JOY!) and then stopped to get a couple of SLURPEES, this is a rare and wonderful treat for my boys as I have probably bought a total of 3 SLURPEES in their entire lives.
My timing couldn't have been better all day. All this was done at leisure and I still had time to shop for my grocery list at the local grocery store before picking up my eldest son from the park at 4!!!! I passed my sweaty little man my SLURPEE and we went home. Refreshed from the icy drink, happy with the memories of a somehow relaxing full day out. Now this is a truly amazing event really and anyone who knows me lately would know how unusual it is. Any day where I need to leave the house with one or both kids is usually VERY VERY stressful! Getting them out and in the car on time, "NOW! NOW! NOW!" I bellow at them like a drill sergeant.... and the struggle at every stop to keep them near, keep them from destroying EVERYTHING they touch, get them to leave and load back into the car for the next excrutiating stop..... but not this day!!!!!!! It went SO SMOOTH, I was relaxed, I was on time, I got everything on my list done..... sigh. Happy day.
And the great thing is, I managed to get the groceries away, a load of laundry taken care of and dinner made before my hubby got home and I left to babysit my sister's kids for their date night. Top that off with her 2 year old boy being really sweet and the 3 month old baby being a cooing smiling angel the whole time they were gone, and you just have to know the Gods of mercy and goodwill were smiling on me all day.
So far today has been delightful as well, maybe I can do this thing called my life after all!
7.22.2005
I am so flattered!
My TRULY dear and special friends the ones that love me without question and know my innermost workings, my very first meaningful relationships (population 3), are ACTUALLY reading my blog!!!! I am so flattered and I want to say that I enjoy theirs very much.
I have such talented and creative friends and the best part is I can feel like I had a part of the making of who they are.... as I have been around more than half their lives! (Ha! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!)
Now aside from that bit of teary-eyed joy that comes fro loving (and being loved), I want to relay the rest of my wonderful day to the wide wonderful world of blog.
Today had to be one of the more perfect days, really! I decided to play hooky from my home-based office today.... the weather is fine and I had a "to-do-list" as long as my arm. SO... I hung around in my PJ's until 11:00, had Artichoke Dip with Tortilla chips for breakfast (my friends won't be surprised after a hi-school of hot-dog and spagetti breakfasts-- or homemade black forest cake depending on the friend).
Then I got myself and my boys dressed for the day... dropped my 8 year old off at the park ( we have a park leader there during the summer 3 days a week with lots of activities!!! Great program!). Then me and my wee monkey went to pick up a SEARS parcel -- Sears.ca has the very best deals on the outlet site and free shipping! But on the way to the pick-up point in the mall I found some extraodinary deals on some summer tops very cute and at $2.99 each I had to pick 2! That taken care of we wisked through the Tim Horton's drive thru for a large coffee and some sour cream glazed TimBits... mmmmmmm!!!!! And headed North for the appointment with the physiotherapist to see my little monkeys funny foot posture. We were there for a delightful hour watching him explore the coolest climbing appartatus and excercise equipment I have ever seen, the physio lady was super nice and the verdict was that he is really very verycoordinated for any age let alone 4! But his little pads may need Orthopedic supports to correct his funny feet.
AAAH! Is that the time?! I need to continue my perfect day later! I am babysitting for my sister tonight!!!!
I have such talented and creative friends and the best part is I can feel like I had a part of the making of who they are.... as I have been around more than half their lives! (Ha! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!)
Now aside from that bit of teary-eyed joy that comes fro loving (and being loved), I want to relay the rest of my wonderful day to the wide wonderful world of blog.
Today had to be one of the more perfect days, really! I decided to play hooky from my home-based office today.... the weather is fine and I had a "to-do-list" as long as my arm. SO... I hung around in my PJ's until 11:00, had Artichoke Dip with Tortilla chips for breakfast (my friends won't be surprised after a hi-school of hot-dog and spagetti breakfasts-- or homemade black forest cake depending on the friend).
Then I got myself and my boys dressed for the day... dropped my 8 year old off at the park ( we have a park leader there during the summer 3 days a week with lots of activities!!! Great program!). Then me and my wee monkey went to pick up a SEARS parcel -- Sears.ca has the very best deals on the outlet site and free shipping! But on the way to the pick-up point in the mall I found some extraodinary deals on some summer tops very cute and at $2.99 each I had to pick 2! That taken care of we wisked through the Tim Horton's drive thru for a large coffee and some sour cream glazed TimBits... mmmmmmm!!!!! And headed North for the appointment with the physiotherapist to see my little monkeys funny foot posture. We were there for a delightful hour watching him explore the coolest climbing appartatus and excercise equipment I have ever seen, the physio lady was super nice and the verdict was that he is really very verycoordinated for any age let alone 4! But his little pads may need Orthopedic supports to correct his funny feet.
AAAH! Is that the time?! I need to continue my perfect day later! I am babysitting for my sister tonight!!!!
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