My oldest is nineteen. He's living here unemployed and mooching food, hydro, and an over-enthusiastic mom that wants to mother. He needs more from life.
The message has to be, ‘To live in this house, you need to show us that you are working towards independence. We need to see that—and you need to help yourself make that happen.'
Empoweringparents.com has some advice for living with an adult child. Questions to ask, rules to establish...
- How will we know this is working?
- “We’ll know because everyone will be doing their fair share. We’ll be respectful of each other.”
- How will we know it isn’t working?
- “We’ll know if someone isn’t pulling their weight or starts overstepping boundaries.”
- What will we do if it’s not working?
- “You will make plans to leave within a month.”
- What will we do if it is working?
- “We’ll continue with our original plan of while you are taking classes.”
Anytime I start to feel resentment, I have a responsibility to ask myself , “How am I not addressing this issue and how am I stepping over my own boundaries here?” I want to make sure that I take responsibility for what I need and what I am asking for. Otherwise I'm going to be saying “yes” to something I really want to be saying “no” to—and that’s not good for any relationship.
How do I know when it's time to say enough is enough and ask him to leave?
- When you feel that you’ve done your part responsibly, or that your child is not living up to his part of the bargain and is taking advantage of you, it may be time for him to move out.
Sit down and talk with him if things are not working out. Say, “If you are going to stay here, I expect certain respectful behavior; otherwise you’re not welcome here. There are certain respectful ways that you live in a house with others and if that’s not possible for you, then maybe it’s time for you to leave.”
Before we ask him to leave, we must think about how we as parents might be contributing to the escalation of frustration or arguments. If he says something that makes me angry, how do I handle that anger? Do I handle it in a way that makes things worse, or better? Remember, We are the parents. No matter how immature he is being, we need to stay grounded; don’t go to that place. Instead, stay connected to the principles that we want to live by as parents. And that may be to simply come back later in a mature way and say, “Look, we are having some problems here and this is what your dad and I think.”
We need to acknowledge how any worries have perhaps contributed to a feeling of helplessness, of being defeated before we've even begun. Remember that the way to transform helplessness is through action: repeated, focused action towards the life we want for ourselves and for our adult child. See if we can find something that seems doable, even something small, and take positive action in that direction.
I think my next step is to sit down with my husband to draft a "living arrangements contract" to clearly state the rules for our son living here. I know my husband has expectations and so do I. We want to foster independence and not lose our own minds in the process.
This parenting thing is HARD!
