No go

The bike shop job didn't pan out.

Now he is crankier than ever with me.

My heart is broken. I can't fix it and I suspect I shouldn't even try.

Fumbling

I'm not sleeping.

Okay. I'm sleeping but it's not restful 

Stress and nightmares worrying about my son.

The other day it looked like he was going to do what needed to be done. But she pulled him back in, hook, line and sinker. My sweet gullible boy. So big hearted he doesn't see the harm.

I'm glad he saw the harm enough to want to leave for a bit, but it only lasted a few hours.

He's wearing the love goggles.

Hostage situation or intervention?

Another stressful day.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand to see another day of him wandering around watching YouTube in his underwear and waiting for his girlfriend to summon him. So I asked my son what job would be good. He said the bike shop would be his holy grail of jobs. I said great, put on some pants and grab your resumes, I will drive you to them all! He said no. I said why. He didn't have a good reason so I said lets go, he said no. I insisted. Then I got mad. Not like screaming rage, but I couldn't stop smiling wide eyed and crazy as I sarcastically told him his life sucks because I want to drive him to apply for dream jobs. I was at risk of really losing it. The lack of logic has my brain twisted right up!

So I told him I wouldn't stop bugging him until he agreed and I promised not to say a word if he got in the car.

He eventually did.

He was so stressed I thought he might throw up at the first place. The second place slightly better, the third not great, the fourth okay, and the fifth had me waiting (happily) for a good half hour, outside in the car of course. That last place was great and they want him there, they just need to talk to the owner.

He was in a great mood!

Then he read some texts from his girlfriend and his brow furrowed, then he got anxious and agitated and then frantic. He put himself in his room sobbing, and said he hated ultimatums. Too many ultimatums. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to "just F@c! Off" so I said I love him and quickly backed off.

Shortly after that dad came home. I brought him up to speed... Not fun.

Dad went into the garage to do something and our son came out of his room looking frail and frantic and half crazy with worry.  I said "where are you going?" He said "out". I asked if I should be worried and he asked me to butt out. I pointed out that he didn't look in any condition to help his girlfriend like that. I suggested he might want to compose himself before he ran off. Weirdly he listened. He stopped and apologized for swearing at me. He sat and calmed down. He started looking okay (but still frazzled). Then dad came in and he asked to talk. It was a long talk. He explained how worried we are seeing him out of control, with zero ambition or will to grow up. We asked him to find something anything that makes him feel good and make it a priority right now. We said some hard truths about young love and bad relationships.

Our son said being with his girlfriend feels good. But I did say that frantic expression tonight didn't look like he was going off to do something pleasant. He said it's usually better than that. It wasn't a fun talk. Things were said that probably weren't easy to hear. But we kept saying we care, we believe in him, we really genuinely want what's best for him, and this existence he's got going on now isn't it.

Did I do wrong by forcing him to apply today? Maybe. But for a bit he seemed pretty pleased with his own abilities. I had to kick his butt hard, but he moved. How can he expect me to stop interfering if it's the ONLY way to get results?

I'm not proud of myself, in fact I feel a bit ashamed for doing it. Damn it I refuse to enable the shiftless behaviour! He's been unemployed for over three months!! And his new routine of doing Jack is not doing anyone any favours.

Parenting is tough. 

Hair pulling

Another great article from empowering parents https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/motivating-underachievers-part-i-when-your-child-says-i-dont-care/ 

Great tidbits... 

When he says he doesn't care, I should say that I can't make him care but... “It Matters to Me.” be very clear and tell him that what he does matters to him. Personalize it by saying, “It matters to me. I care about you. I want you to do well. I can’t make you do it and I won’t force you. But it matters to me and I love you.”

And...

Regardless of why he might have an attitude of learned helplessness, as a parent, it’s important to stop doing things that he needs to do for himself. Don’t do his homework—let him do it. Be available for help if necessary, but don’t take on his tasks. He has to learn independence, and if i take on his responsibilities, I'm robbing him of this chance to develop.

Adult or Child?

I'm thinking my son might be stuck in limbo. Right now he wants all the freedom of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. And he's getting away with it because I'm scared to damage him or chase him away.

I found this at psychologytoday.com ... living in the child mode is largely chaotic and dysfunctional, whereas living one’s life as a adult is generally more adaptive and successful. Retaining a child’s frame of reference has numerous disadvantages: for example, people who operate from this perspective often find it difficult to formulate their goals and priorities in life and tend to feel helpless and victimized. They blame others for the problems they encounter rather than taking responsibility for how people react to them. In reality, people largely determine the course of their lives and determine the way that others respond. Lastly, reacting to life in a childlike manner can be quite emotional but often lacks a depth of genuine feeling.

Also... challenge a passive-dependent orientation.

Identify behaviors that are symptomatic of the child mode and change them by adopting more adult responses. Among the more straightforward, easily identifiable childish behaviors are sulking, whining, complaining, manipulating to get sympathy, continually seeking direction, acting in a disorganized, incompetent and irresponsible manner, procrastinating, habitual lateness, carelessness and slovenliness and being neglectful in relation to one's health.

In addition, it is important to challenge feelings of inferiority, submissiveness and a passive-dependent orientation in relation to authority figures, friends and loved ones. By holding on to parental substitutes and continuing to depend excessively on others by acquiescing to their wants, needs and points of view, it is evident that you will remain a child. It is also important to recognize when you are being defiant or rebellious in your responses and strive to take a more rational adult position. Submission and defiance are equally childish; both are outer directed and tend to elicit parental responses of either approval or disapproval.

Sigh... How to gain control?... One method is to look for discrepancies between your actions and your stated goals; these contradictions are often caused by unconscious or partly conscious "critical inner voices." By bringing these voices into conscious awareness and recognizing how they are influencing your behavior, you can change behaviors that are dictated by the internal negative thought process and gain insight into areas of your life where you have difficulty maintaining an adult perspective.

Taking time to reflect on your emotions and considering the consequences of your actions fosters a rational approach to problem solving.

Recognize that perceiving others as responsible for your problems is immature and maladaptive. In actuality, you create your own circumstances, so you can be active in changing them.

Carefully consider or explore feedback rather than reject it summarily, then decide which aspects of the feedback you agree or disagree with, and respond from an adult perspective.

An important aspect of being an adult involves envisioning goals that express your unique identity and interests, and then taking the actions necessary to achieve these goals. Actively strive and compete for your objectives, both personal and vocational, rather than seeking satisfaction in fantasy. Make a concerted effort to maintain personal integrity in your life by insisting that your actions correspond to your words.

The next question is... Does he want to be an adult? Or continue (at present) as a child? It's a yes or no question.

Yes:

Adult Responsibilities such as paying bills, fulfilling commitments, take care of yourself, provide goals for today and tomorrow, keep house.

No school=Rent

Also, adults have freedom once their obligations are met. He could do what he wants with his rented space (so long as he doesn't damage it or endanger anyone) freedom of time, freedom to time his own goals. Also freedom from parental nagging.

No:

Kid Responsibilities such as obeying parental rules, asking permission to be late or miss meals, do chores to help the whole family, make sure parents know where you are, polite behaviour is required, accept parental guidance graciously.

Either way... We love him and want him safe and happy!

Also either way, I want him to show me a list of goals and a map to get there.

I want 3 applications a day sent out online, 3 paper resumes and 3 follow up calls PER DAY until he is employed. I want him to make getting a job his job.

He CAN do it! And I EXPECT him to do it! In fact, I DEMAND he does it!

Consequences should be a request for him to find a different place to live. (Scary!) 24 hours on first infraction, longer if he persists. With this whole girlfriend ego sabatoge going on, I am nervous about that. He is so fragile right now... But after reading the above, I'm starting to wonder if he is fragile so he can keep from growing up (an idea he has always fought against)

Hmm.....