I stole this from Tai, who stole it from Kimber, who borrowed it from Vesper.
I AM: What I am, and I offer no excuses!
I WANT: Beautiful colours, a warm bed
I WISH: That humans could live in harmony with the planet, and each other.
I HATE: Hatred in any form.
I MISS: My Dad, he would have been an excellent Grandpa and mountains because they bring me joy.
I FEAR: Lots of things about people, especially desperate or genuinely stupid people.
I HEAR: Lawn mowers in the distance, and my little one riding his bike in the driveway.
I WONDER: About Life, the Universe and EVERYTHING... "why?" and "what if?" are 2 of my favourite pastimes.
I REGRET: Sigh, I try not to regret, but it is inevitable. Parenting seems to bring out most of them.
I AM NOT: Anyone else. years of experience made me me.
I DANCE: In front of my children all the time!
I SING: Badly and loudly in my car (and occasionally with the kids... if they don't complain)and I make up my own silly songs as stress relief.
I CRY: When I see something beautiful, when my children hurt, when I am lost (emotionally or physically).
I AM NOT ALWAYS: on time, but my friends seem to forgive me for it.
I MAKE: As many pretty things as I can.
I WRITE: Whatever pops into my head.
I CONFUSE: What I need with what I want, and my hopes and dreams with my responsibilities.
I NEED: My children's hugs and kisses, a warm household, many creative outlets! Daily laughter, to constantly learn and see and be open to new stuff..... I am a high-needs gal that way!
I SHOULD: Take more time for me and leave the guilt elsewhere. Try to find an excercise I like, find a routine with my kids..... I'll stop there.
I START: with good intentions.... A million shiny new projects, I have oodles of note books of viable ideas.
I FINISH: Very little that I start out to do. But again, I have good intentions.
I TAG: No one, it's annoying!
4.29.2006
More garden plans
I always wanted a front porch!
:: BEFORE ::
:: AFTER ::
If I'm lucky (and crazy) enough!
:: BEFORE ::
:: AFTER ::
If I'm lucky (and crazy) enough!
4.28.2006
A day of support
I spent and interesting little while with "Aunt C" this afternoon. She is the ex-wife of T's favourite uncle -- "Uncle G". It has been since before the divorce that I have gotten a chance to talk to her, and it was therapeutic!
She was married to this man for almost a quarter of a century and the main reasons for the eventual demise of the relationship were "he was so grumpy all the time, he was very good at belittling her dreams, she was exhausted trying everything she could to make it work and not getting ANY recognition for her efforts, and it felt like she was the only one trying the only one that even saw a problem in the first place.".
She says he was a "good man" and a big part of her wished it could have worked, but she also says she is happy now, and won't go back, nothing with him has changed in so long, she doubts they ever could. Sobering words from a woman with a familiar situation.
I am finding it ironic that one of the reasons I found T to be "marriage material" was because his family were all in long-time marriages that appeared very happy. Now, even less than 10 years later every single one of them is divorced, all for the same selfish negative behaviour, and they were all "good men". I wonder now, if T even would have proposed to me if his parents had split up even a couple years earlier! It was horrible on our marriage when it happened, the first major hurdle. He treated me as though I was the one that betrayed him when his mom was the one having the affair! I wouldn't tolerate it and I called him on it immediately when I saw what was happening!
Things are going well right now.
She was married to this man for almost a quarter of a century and the main reasons for the eventual demise of the relationship were "he was so grumpy all the time, he was very good at belittling her dreams, she was exhausted trying everything she could to make it work and not getting ANY recognition for her efforts, and it felt like she was the only one trying the only one that even saw a problem in the first place.".
She says he was a "good man" and a big part of her wished it could have worked, but she also says she is happy now, and won't go back, nothing with him has changed in so long, she doubts they ever could. Sobering words from a woman with a familiar situation.
I am finding it ironic that one of the reasons I found T to be "marriage material" was because his family were all in long-time marriages that appeared very happy. Now, even less than 10 years later every single one of them is divorced, all for the same selfish negative behaviour, and they were all "good men". I wonder now, if T even would have proposed to me if his parents had split up even a couple years earlier! It was horrible on our marriage when it happened, the first major hurdle. He treated me as though I was the one that betrayed him when his mom was the one having the affair! I wouldn't tolerate it and I called him on it immediately when I saw what was happening!
Things are going well right now.
4.27.2006
Gardening Challenge
Hey! Thats the name of a show isn't it?
I called in a professional landscape designer last week, she asked me to fill out a questionairre so she would know the background of my hopes, preferences and challenges with the yard before she came out... it was nice to put it in writing. Anyway, she gets here and her jaw dropped. She hmm'd and haww'd and rubbed her chin as she paced back and forth at the bottom of our cliff. She said she hadn't seen anything like it. And though she could understand us wanting access to the upper yard, it will require a geotech and structural engineer's input to make something safe with the rock being so crumbly and the face being so steep.
After leaving it to mull over for almost a week, she called me back last night. She said the cost of plans for the backyard, including a materials list will be between $600-$900, not including the cost of a geotech, topography mapping and engineer. Construction will be extra of course.
So now I need to think of whether I am confident enough to design my own thing for the back... and more importantly, if between T and I if we can build something SAFE and strong that will last for a few decades.
I have put a call into DemXX to see if they have any metal staircases in stock.... and they DO! 2 sets of steel and concrete stairs, 15 treads each. The stairs themselves are quite reasonably priced, the expensive part will be DELIVERY! The other option would be a spiral staircase that I see on their website..... it was an interior one though, but kinda cool and way easier to get home I think?
Prettier option, but won't be as tall or as tough as the other ones.
I called in a professional landscape designer last week, she asked me to fill out a questionairre so she would know the background of my hopes, preferences and challenges with the yard before she came out... it was nice to put it in writing. Anyway, she gets here and her jaw dropped. She hmm'd and haww'd and rubbed her chin as she paced back and forth at the bottom of our cliff. She said she hadn't seen anything like it. And though she could understand us wanting access to the upper yard, it will require a geotech and structural engineer's input to make something safe with the rock being so crumbly and the face being so steep.
After leaving it to mull over for almost a week, she called me back last night. She said the cost of plans for the backyard, including a materials list will be between $600-$900, not including the cost of a geotech, topography mapping and engineer. Construction will be extra of course.
So now I need to think of whether I am confident enough to design my own thing for the back... and more importantly, if between T and I if we can build something SAFE and strong that will last for a few decades.
I have put a call into DemXX to see if they have any metal staircases in stock.... and they DO! 2 sets of steel and concrete stairs, 15 treads each. The stairs themselves are quite reasonably priced, the expensive part will be DELIVERY! The other option would be a spiral staircase that I see on their website..... it was an interior one though, but kinda cool and way easier to get home I think?
Prettier option, but won't be as tall or as tough as the other ones.
4.26.2006
Babysitting Update
Still babysitting!
Yesterday had more freedom than usual. Caden was at a family friend's and I took Cameron to a playdate for most of the day and Steve was at school. So it was just me and baby Shaylee. I had her at my home for the most part and it was okay. She sure is cranky when her routine is messed up though.
I told my Sis(repeatedly) that I will only be doing it for the 3 months. My honest explanation didn't need to get personal or confrontational. I said her children were a joy, but I simply can't afford to do it. There was no need to mention that somedays I am angry and don't want to share that with the kids, no need to mention that Steve HATES going to her house at 7AM and then walking up to their home after school, no need to mention that I am losing jobs because I am not there to do them fast enough, and no need to mention that I am terrified my children with destroy their home (or at least will be blamed for it). So far Cameron has destroyed a wagon, a couple cars will never be the same, mixed the colours on the Play-do and broken the drawer clean off the computer desk! And Caden accused him of peeing on his bedroom floor.... my Sis believed him(total bunk). June 13th has to be my last day.
She starts her new job on the 30th.... did I mention she accepted a manager job with a different store? She is quite excited actually. She was never that excited about selling office equipment --not one of her passions-- but she had hopes for the advancement up the ladder. Maternity leave messed her up for the promotion big-time and they told her it will be several more months before she is even eligible for consideration again. So she got upset and went shopping for a job a bit closer to home in a store she is excited about (home decor) in the position that is higher than her present one with promise of further advancement. She is a talented manager, there is no doubt. Her staff are happy to please her and willing to work hard for her stores, she tries to make it fun for them and a pleasant place to work in return.
So that means 6 more weeks of training! Some of it will be on the mainland, some here.
She also needs to find the replacement daycare. I am not sure how hard she has looked so far. I guess she feels she has a month or so left, right?
I am a wee bit concerned she may plead with me
to hang on if she doesn't find flexible or suitable care. I am not heartless, I can't let her take her kids somewhere horrible just because they are the only ones that have the space and don't mind weird hours or something. And there is that whole stupid transportation thing. They still only have one car and haven't even LOOKED for another one! I hope they aren't being too optimistic about that little glitch.
Alas, it isn't my concern, and really my Sis needs to step up to the plate and take it on with as much devotion as she does to her career. She takes optimism to new heights! She believes everything will always turn out right no matter what she does -- even after her bankruptsy. Even as far in debt as they are now.
sigh... her life, she is grown up, I need to let her do it. aack.
Yesterday had more freedom than usual. Caden was at a family friend's and I took Cameron to a playdate for most of the day and Steve was at school. So it was just me and baby Shaylee. I had her at my home for the most part and it was okay. She sure is cranky when her routine is messed up though.
I told my Sis(repeatedly) that I will only be doing it for the 3 months. My honest explanation didn't need to get personal or confrontational. I said her children were a joy, but I simply can't afford to do it. There was no need to mention that somedays I am angry and don't want to share that with the kids, no need to mention that Steve HATES going to her house at 7AM and then walking up to their home after school, no need to mention that I am losing jobs because I am not there to do them fast enough, and no need to mention that I am terrified my children with destroy their home (or at least will be blamed for it). So far Cameron has destroyed a wagon, a couple cars will never be the same, mixed the colours on the Play-do and broken the drawer clean off the computer desk! And Caden accused him of peeing on his bedroom floor.... my Sis believed him(total bunk). June 13th has to be my last day.
She starts her new job on the 30th.... did I mention she accepted a manager job with a different store? She is quite excited actually. She was never that excited about selling office equipment --not one of her passions-- but she had hopes for the advancement up the ladder. Maternity leave messed her up for the promotion big-time and they told her it will be several more months before she is even eligible for consideration again. So she got upset and went shopping for a job a bit closer to home in a store she is excited about (home decor) in the position that is higher than her present one with promise of further advancement. She is a talented manager, there is no doubt. Her staff are happy to please her and willing to work hard for her stores, she tries to make it fun for them and a pleasant place to work in return.
So that means 6 more weeks of training! Some of it will be on the mainland, some here.
She also needs to find the replacement daycare. I am not sure how hard she has looked so far. I guess she feels she has a month or so left, right?
I am a wee bit concerned she may plead with me
to hang on if she doesn't find flexible or suitable care. I am not heartless, I can't let her take her kids somewhere horrible just because they are the only ones that have the space and don't mind weird hours or something. And there is that whole stupid transportation thing. They still only have one car and haven't even LOOKED for another one! I hope they aren't being too optimistic about that little glitch.
Alas, it isn't my concern, and really my Sis needs to step up to the plate and take it on with as much devotion as she does to her career. She takes optimism to new heights! She believes everything will always turn out right no matter what she does -- even after her bankruptsy. Even as far in debt as they are now.
sigh... her life, she is grown up, I need to let her do it. aack.
4.24.2006
In the know
My Darling T knows I blog!
Well, the cat's out of the bag, he knows I write out to the world. He asked what I blog about, so I opened it up and happily showed him my last few entries. He looked relieved. Then he asked who reads them, he apparently is savy enough to know that anyone with web access can find them. I reassured him that mine isn't randomely accessable. So far there are only 4 friends that leave comments, though I have been tempted to tell more people, it hasn't happened yet.
A new era of blog writing has begun.
Well, the cat's out of the bag, he knows I write out to the world. He asked what I blog about, so I opened it up and happily showed him my last few entries. He looked relieved. Then he asked who reads them, he apparently is savy enough to know that anyone with web access can find them. I reassured him that mine isn't randomely accessable. So far there are only 4 friends that leave comments, though I have been tempted to tell more people, it hasn't happened yet.
A new era of blog writing has begun.
4.23.2006
Where did my Last Entry Go!?
I just wrote a nice post, with pictures and everything...... during the posting, it stopped at 0%.
When I left the window, it was gone! Where the heck did it go?!
Hello?
Is this thing working or what?
When I left the window, it was gone! Where the heck did it go?!
Hello?
Is this thing working or what?
I got Creative
I was just feeling the need to have a paintbrush in my hand.... not renovating, but being creative. I also had the dilema of having a 1st birthday coming up for my darling neice. The thought of adding ANOTHER plastic, battery-eating, blinking, noisy thing to my sister's living space was unsavoury to me. All these things added up were niggling at the back of my brain as I wandered aimlessly in my local Salvation Army Thrift Store (I had just dropped off some things). Well lo and behold I spied a rather sorry looking hobby horse among the ugly furniture! (Insert light bulb here)! I thought it had potential, so for 11.99 + PST I brought it home.
A quich sanding of the babyblue seat had it prepped for paint. I dug out my crafting acrylics and brushes and set to work on my front steps. I gave it a base coat of black and applied the "crackle glaze" when that dried I applied a golden ochre colour, and it cracked to show the black through -- instant antique! A matte varnish brought it to the next step of putting decorative "tole" painted patterns. I am very rusty at it, but I think it is passable. A few gold accents, another layer of matte vanish to seal it all in and it looked pretty snazzy!
Hmm.... the seat looks adorable, but the wood still looks shabby..... AHA! A rumage through T's garage and I find a tiny, rusty can of wood stain, mahogany colur! Well, it livened up the wood terrifically AND where the existing stain was nicked and bashed, the stain gave it a rich distressed look that I couldn't have done on purpose!
I am pleased as punch!
I got to be creative AND give my niece a present that is hand made by her aunty! I really love rocking horses, always have, so giving her one seems fitting as well.
A quich sanding of the babyblue seat had it prepped for paint. I dug out my crafting acrylics and brushes and set to work on my front steps. I gave it a base coat of black and applied the "crackle glaze" when that dried I applied a golden ochre colour, and it cracked to show the black through -- instant antique! A matte varnish brought it to the next step of putting decorative "tole" painted patterns. I am very rusty at it, but I think it is passable. A few gold accents, another layer of matte vanish to seal it all in and it looked pretty snazzy!
Hmm.... the seat looks adorable, but the wood still looks shabby..... AHA! A rumage through T's garage and I find a tiny, rusty can of wood stain, mahogany colur! Well, it livened up the wood terrifically AND where the existing stain was nicked and bashed, the stain gave it a rich distressed look that I couldn't have done on purpose!
I am pleased as punch!
I got to be creative AND give my niece a present that is hand made by her aunty! I really love rocking horses, always have, so giving her one seems fitting as well.
4.21.2006
Another one!?
Well blow me down! There is another "panther cloud", this one is called CLEVER PROJECT
www.clever-project.net also very stylish and this one is alternative fueled.
Alas, it isn't a REAL car yet, just a concept.
Panther Cloud
Flash back to grade 7 or 8.... Mr. Edey's class (not my favourite instructor), we had to do a report.... I decided to do it on "the Panther Cloud" a 3 wheeled vehicle run on alternative fuel (I think it was the planet's gravitational/magnet field) and it of course hovered and used air flow for steering -- can you beleive I was NOT watching Star Trek at this point?!?!?! Anyway, I loved it! Apperently Mr.Edey did not, as I seem to remember getting a miserable grade (for me).
Now lets come back to the present. It's not exactly alternative powered, and it doesn't hover, but I am completely and utterly in LOVE with this vehicle!!!!!!! If I have the winning 6-49 ticket, I will be placing my order the next day! In a bright lamborgini yellow, with the leather interior! Just try and stop me! VROOOOOOM!
www.carver-europe.com
4.16.2006
Walk in the Park
I wish I took photos..... but I didn't. (Blogger isn't letting me put in pictures at the moment anyway)
It was raining SO HARD that I am sure it would have wrecked my camera anyways.
We decided to do something TOGETHER at least once this weekend, so we took the boys out to Westwood Lake Park. Just a bit more than six kilometers of pleasantly wooded walking trails around a misty lake.
It was raining furiously as we started out but the tree canopy blocked the worst of it, after all we aren't wimps! We live on the west coast, what's a little rain?!
Everyone was in great spirits the whole while. It's been YEARS since we have been on that trail, in fact it was before Cam! That length of a walk was a bit much for his short little legs, but he was a trooper and had the adventure of seeing what was around the next bend. And you know what? It didn't rain the whole time, there was sunshine here and there and that was great.
We even saw a young deermouse! And gently followed it around a tree and along the path for a while. Also there were many feathered sightings -- some friendly tiny birds and paired off mallard ducks, several robins and an aggressive humming bird.
It was very very nice, I miss that area so much! I used to walk, or ride or just sit at that lake at least once a week.... we will start seeing it more often again I think.
It was raining SO HARD that I am sure it would have wrecked my camera anyways.
We decided to do something TOGETHER at least once this weekend, so we took the boys out to Westwood Lake Park. Just a bit more than six kilometers of pleasantly wooded walking trails around a misty lake.
It was raining furiously as we started out but the tree canopy blocked the worst of it, after all we aren't wimps! We live on the west coast, what's a little rain?!
Everyone was in great spirits the whole while. It's been YEARS since we have been on that trail, in fact it was before Cam! That length of a walk was a bit much for his short little legs, but he was a trooper and had the adventure of seeing what was around the next bend. And you know what? It didn't rain the whole time, there was sunshine here and there and that was great.
We even saw a young deermouse! And gently followed it around a tree and along the path for a while. Also there were many feathered sightings -- some friendly tiny birds and paired off mallard ducks, several robins and an aggressive humming bird.
It was very very nice, I miss that area so much! I used to walk, or ride or just sit at that lake at least once a week.... we will start seeing it more often again I think.
4.15.2006
cold feet caused me to bolt
it's done.
so simply as it started by cruising MLS.ca.... followed by a whirlwind of emotions highs and lows a great leap of faith by my husband, and here I am back at the beginning again.
I wanted it with all my heart! And then a fear crept in that it wasn't a good idea...... ?
And then T agreed it could be a good fit with some hard work. So I thought again it could work.
Last night, I asked T if he would mind terribly if we just dropped the whole thing. He said it would definitely be easier. I also said that it would be very cool to finish paying for THIS mortgage. And he laughed and said by the time that was true, we wouldn't NEED a big property and the kids would be grown out of treeforts and that sort of thing. Sigh... true.
I called the Realtor this morning and pulled the plug. Doesn't mean we can't change our mind in a month if it's still on the market. Maybe by that time they would take a lower offer...... I am so lucky that I believe in things happening for a reason. Now I know we have great credit, our property is valuable, we qualify for a huge loan, and we are very very picky homebuyers (passion and practicality are not enough for me) ! It really helped clear up how much value I put on the comfort and security of what I have right now -- and my great neighbours!
Now if they would only do something with that dangerous rock-face beside us..... its so HARD to get the kids to stay down!
(I sure hope they don't build a hideous house next to us!)
so simply as it started by cruising MLS.ca.... followed by a whirlwind of emotions highs and lows a great leap of faith by my husband, and here I am back at the beginning again.
I wanted it with all my heart! And then a fear crept in that it wasn't a good idea...... ?
And then T agreed it could be a good fit with some hard work. So I thought again it could work.
Last night, I asked T if he would mind terribly if we just dropped the whole thing. He said it would definitely be easier. I also said that it would be very cool to finish paying for THIS mortgage. And he laughed and said by the time that was true, we wouldn't NEED a big property and the kids would be grown out of treeforts and that sort of thing. Sigh... true.
I called the Realtor this morning and pulled the plug. Doesn't mean we can't change our mind in a month if it's still on the market. Maybe by that time they would take a lower offer...... I am so lucky that I believe in things happening for a reason. Now I know we have great credit, our property is valuable, we qualify for a huge loan, and we are very very picky homebuyers (passion and practicality are not enough for me) ! It really helped clear up how much value I put on the comfort and security of what I have right now -- and my great neighbours!
Now if they would only do something with that dangerous rock-face beside us..... its so HARD to get the kids to stay down!
(I sure hope they don't build a hideous house next to us!)
4.14.2006
Well, we looked at another home (in our neighbourhood) to compare in the same price range. Open concept living areas and meticulous, fussy gardens. It would be good for a couple that liked gardening and had a shop-hobby like woodworking (or even a small dance studio), but it was completely not practical for our rambuncious family.
Bob (T's dad) showed up just before we went to see it and we brought him along to view. He kept his comments to himself.
Then we drove out to the other place and puttered very slowly back and forth pointing out the different features, and faults to Bob. He thought the one on Main Rd was a way better fit for our lifestyle, but would only make sense if we stayed for 10-15 years.
Again, while I am proximity to that place, it just feels like a GREAT idea! I see a future there with the boys growing and exploring, the projects coming out of the shop, the wisteria in blume all summer with the kids playing outdoors and the Christmas dinners and cozy woodstove in winter.
I am of 2 minds.
The counter offer is not unreasonable, but we still want to negotiate lower. The Realtor can see we are undecided and he says "don't do it if you have any reservations". I am so confused! Spider's shady intuition is weighing heavily into the equation as well.... if anybody's intuitions mean something to me, its hers.
The home has a spell though, a distinct charm and life and appeal to what I want my life to be!
Maybe another life? Maybe this one? Maybe later!
Bob (T's dad) showed up just before we went to see it and we brought him along to view. He kept his comments to himself.
Then we drove out to the other place and puttered very slowly back and forth pointing out the different features, and faults to Bob. He thought the one on Main Rd was a way better fit for our lifestyle, but would only make sense if we stayed for 10-15 years.
Again, while I am proximity to that place, it just feels like a GREAT idea! I see a future there with the boys growing and exploring, the projects coming out of the shop, the wisteria in blume all summer with the kids playing outdoors and the Christmas dinners and cozy woodstove in winter.
I am of 2 minds.
The counter offer is not unreasonable, but we still want to negotiate lower. The Realtor can see we are undecided and he says "don't do it if you have any reservations". I am so confused! Spider's shady intuition is weighing heavily into the equation as well.... if anybody's intuitions mean something to me, its hers.
The home has a spell though, a distinct charm and life and appeal to what I want my life to be!
Maybe another life? Maybe this one? Maybe later!
4.13.2006
Second thoughts....
UUURRGG!!!
My brain is a curse! I can't just make up my mind, all the options and scenarios running through my head..... its deafening! The excitement of a bigger home, a larger yard, the room to expand, grow get creative!
Last night was hard. All of a sudden I felt remorse at the thought of giving up this home that we have put so much time into. Giving up our precious network of neighbours, my perch on the hill watching over the cul-de-sac.
When I step foot into that other home I get excited and giddy with the space! The aura feels huge and free.... and my head swims with possibilities, not a whole lot of effort (from my perspective) T has a few more things on the to-do list than I do though. I like it pretty much as is. I can see the kids roaming and playing inside and out.
This home we are in now is so limited to what it is -- we have taken it as far as it can go. Storage, living space, usable yard. They have all been maximized and filled. The eating area is so small for growing boys, the dining room has never been a place that fits the cabinets, the driveway threatens to roll away T's projectsinto the neighbour's house. The crumbly cliff is a constant nuisance. The boys want to play ball, they have to go in the street. The boys want to climb a tree, they have to go to the creek, not another stick of furniture, not another book even will fit in this house (truth be told, every bookshelf in everyroom is overflowing and leaving stacks all over the place!).
And I am secretly ashamed of our excessive amounts of belongings. This home has TONNES of storage, what does everyone with smaller domiciles do with all of it, or more importantly they may be living WITHOUT that much! I know where the library is! I have enough craft materials to start a preschool taking up lots of room -- and no time to do anything! My kids have enough toys to entertain themselves endlessly and there is always another birthday and Christmas! The neighbourhood is great, not just good, the maintenance costs are negligible and the home has small, but decent rooms. SO in my mind a family of four SHOULD be comfy in this home forever! And it is our HOME, cozy and bright and familiar.
BUT, as Sylvia's health deteriorates, she simple CAN'T visit us with all these stairs! And there is no hope of her living with us if it comes to that. BUT, maybe she won't even want to live with us, maybe that's a bridge I shouldn't even think about crossing unless we need to?
Also, T's paying hobby has the garage packed FULL and no room to get busier. The kids storing their things in there along side the equipment makes him nervous, but there is no where else. I have NEVER been comfortable having welding, solvent tanks, grinding wheels and greasy rags essentially IN our home.... directly under the kids rooms. T is a careful man, but fume concentrations surely get up there in the heat of the summer! I have become de-sensitized to it after almost 7 years here.
The new house will solve so many of the issues I have with our present home..... trading off for other compromises; Well water and septic field; Old windows ; strange neighbours; An industrial neighbourhood with steel bins driving up and down the road; excavators humming and grinding in the background; More yard work; more upkeep; a few renovations to live through; longer commute to school.... actually that's a big one! But T's commute won't take any longer at all, it may even be a bit quicker. And the biggest pain of all the pain and expense of actually MOVING!
Sigh, you see why I am conflicted. I am happy here, just hoping for something even better.... human nature I suppose.
My brain is a curse! I can't just make up my mind, all the options and scenarios running through my head..... its deafening! The excitement of a bigger home, a larger yard, the room to expand, grow get creative!
Last night was hard. All of a sudden I felt remorse at the thought of giving up this home that we have put so much time into. Giving up our precious network of neighbours, my perch on the hill watching over the cul-de-sac.
When I step foot into that other home I get excited and giddy with the space! The aura feels huge and free.... and my head swims with possibilities, not a whole lot of effort (from my perspective) T has a few more things on the to-do list than I do though. I like it pretty much as is. I can see the kids roaming and playing inside and out.
This home we are in now is so limited to what it is -- we have taken it as far as it can go. Storage, living space, usable yard. They have all been maximized and filled. The eating area is so small for growing boys, the dining room has never been a place that fits the cabinets, the driveway threatens to roll away T's projectsinto the neighbour's house. The crumbly cliff is a constant nuisance. The boys want to play ball, they have to go in the street. The boys want to climb a tree, they have to go to the creek, not another stick of furniture, not another book even will fit in this house (truth be told, every bookshelf in everyroom is overflowing and leaving stacks all over the place!).
And I am secretly ashamed of our excessive amounts of belongings. This home has TONNES of storage, what does everyone with smaller domiciles do with all of it, or more importantly they may be living WITHOUT that much! I know where the library is! I have enough craft materials to start a preschool taking up lots of room -- and no time to do anything! My kids have enough toys to entertain themselves endlessly and there is always another birthday and Christmas! The neighbourhood is great, not just good, the maintenance costs are negligible and the home has small, but decent rooms. SO in my mind a family of four SHOULD be comfy in this home forever! And it is our HOME, cozy and bright and familiar.
BUT, as Sylvia's health deteriorates, she simple CAN'T visit us with all these stairs! And there is no hope of her living with us if it comes to that. BUT, maybe she won't even want to live with us, maybe that's a bridge I shouldn't even think about crossing unless we need to?
Also, T's paying hobby has the garage packed FULL and no room to get busier. The kids storing their things in there along side the equipment makes him nervous, but there is no where else. I have NEVER been comfortable having welding, solvent tanks, grinding wheels and greasy rags essentially IN our home.... directly under the kids rooms. T is a careful man, but fume concentrations surely get up there in the heat of the summer! I have become de-sensitized to it after almost 7 years here.
The new house will solve so many of the issues I have with our present home..... trading off for other compromises; Well water and septic field; Old windows ; strange neighbours; An industrial neighbourhood with steel bins driving up and down the road; excavators humming and grinding in the background; More yard work; more upkeep; a few renovations to live through; longer commute to school.... actually that's a big one! But T's commute won't take any longer at all, it may even be a bit quicker. And the biggest pain of all the pain and expense of actually MOVING!
Sigh, you see why I am conflicted. I am happy here, just hoping for something even better.... human nature I suppose.
4.12.2006
Make it SO!
Silly to quote Captain Jean Luc Picard, except that it somehow seems appropriate. As we are going warp speed into uncharted territory, boldling going where we haven't gone before!
That's right, I made an offer on 2117 Main Road!
Terrifying!
The owners will decide how to counter (or whether to accept) tomorrow.
Then comes the nasty business of selling our place...... oh that will be the worst bit. I am getting cold feet actually. It`s so expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
``Make it so`` , is about how I feel. Let`s just skip over the selling, moving and exchanging of large sums, and replicate our selves warb speed into the new place, okay.
Oh ya-- Tai should get a chuckle out of this..... I got my first speeding ticket in 14 years this morning while taking the boys to school. And boy did I deserve it. I didn`t even know I was going fast, and I certainly wasn`t paying close enough attention because I didn`t see the officer in the bright yellow slicker until he waved at me! Ah well, I was genuinely remorseful, and I got off with a speed in municipality charge.... not too bad. I guess.
That's right, I made an offer on 2117 Main Road!
Terrifying!
The owners will decide how to counter (or whether to accept) tomorrow.
Then comes the nasty business of selling our place...... oh that will be the worst bit. I am getting cold feet actually. It`s so expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
``Make it so`` , is about how I feel. Let`s just skip over the selling, moving and exchanging of large sums, and replicate our selves warb speed into the new place, okay.
Oh ya-- Tai should get a chuckle out of this..... I got my first speeding ticket in 14 years this morning while taking the boys to school. And boy did I deserve it. I didn`t even know I was going fast, and I certainly wasn`t paying close enough attention because I didn`t see the officer in the bright yellow slicker until he waved at me! Ah well, I was genuinely remorseful, and I got off with a speed in municipality charge.... not too bad. I guess.
4.10.2006
My new Home?
Is this my new home?
I hope so from the bottom of my heart!
It really has a homey, grand feeling. And the yard is welcoming and easy maintenace.
The home is everything I look for in a plan, and I mean everything! Right down to the neat built in nook in the kitchen (japanese meets traditional farmhouse), and the full bathroom near the mudroom. And there is a deck off near the kitchen and off the family room to easily accomodate BBQ's and the formal dining room that is necessary. The rooms are spacious, its on a heating system that is amazingly reasonable to run, it has a big yard that is mostly "natural". There are 5 bedrooms upstairs! So a huge master room for T & me and a big one for Steve and a big one for Cam and a middle one that would make a respectable spare room/craft zone. The 5ft, my office, has it's own balcony and outside door! The bedrooms are really excellently laid out for the loft beds and the main floor really would be easy to accomodate a wheelchair for Sylvia if need be. There is lots of room for a carport, and the lot is level enough to have the kids ride around for hours. AND there is a fenced off garden area for "grown ups" with a lovely grape arbour of grapes, wisteria and clamatis. As far as plants go, there is not an overwhelming quantity of them, and the ones that are there are some of my "happy plants". The lady of the home has the same sense of taste and cautious adventure when it comes to colours and window coverings. I would change very little in that respect. The bathrooms are practically new, but the kitchen is original (20 years +) The shop is great for T, good size, insulated, heated and even water. The lot is almost a full acre and its rural without being in the middle of nowhere (2 minutes to the parkway). AND it is zoned light Industrial so it will be very legal to run T's motorcycle repairs and service.
So what are the catches?.
Well the mortgage would have me working full time again. I would have to drive a ways to get Steve to school unless he was willing to switch schools (NOT!) and it really needs a roof and has a hodgepodge of interior finishes.... some brown, some white. It had a suite upstairs and has some interesting marks on the ceiling where the walls were. It is on a well and septic and is very close to an Industrial welder's shop and a few autowreckers. I will agree that it is less marketable than this house for a quick sale.
I will agree that a new mortgage and moving is terrifying, and I will agree that it will be hard work.
I will agree that T's job is not something he wants to depend on, but the sideline of working on bikes could be a reality if he wants, no matter how scared he is!!!!!! Between his income and mine I really don't think the extra $300 would strap us too bad.
My sis thinks I should JUST DO IT. But of course she is no one to be giving financial advise to. My Stepdad thinks it is a great idea too (he thinks our house is too small for growing active boys)and he is excellent with money!
Should I be happy with what I have? Or should I strive for something more and take a leap of faith ...
in my heart it feels right.
4.07.2006
My Mom's account
It was my mommy's birthday yesterday and luckily she was in town for a ferries' workshop. So my sis and I took her out to dinner at Gina's (yummy mexican food in a funky cantina atmosphere) and there she was able to hold us completely enraptured with her stories of the crew's experiences escaping the cold, watery blackness of their quarters (my words not hers).
It is truly an amazing thing that none of the crew were killed!
The bulkheads collapsed one by one, almost instantly they were up to their waist in water, some even had these rocks IN THEIR BUNKS! One woman was trapped as her door was blocked by a fallen locker and jammed by the crumpled steel! She got out by adreniline and brute strength and no small amount of life-preserving panic! The other crew could hear her screams of terror calling not to be left in there to drown! They all helped each other throughout the ship, the calm ones rescuing the ones frozen in terror. I can't imagine what they must have went through.
The engineer was the one that could have saved them all, he closed the watertight doors in the engineroom as QN took on water, and though she was opened bow to stern like with a can-opener, it is estimated that this single rational act of closing the doors may have bought them 15 minutes or more!
Mom said the sounds were horrible, the groaning steel, the smashing as things slid. She listed 20 degrees right off the bat, so disorientation was a factor on top of it all. After the crew had made it out of their own stations, they quickly and seamlessly rallied to get the passengers up and out. "You're out of the cabin now, you are here so be here" mom had to remind one shell shocked crew member. Passengers had their doors opened and were shaken awake (if the screaming alarms and captain calling them to "abandon ship" weren't enough)! They checked every passenger area and got everyone moving, then they went back and MADE SURE they were moving (and not packing as some were) and then made sure they all were on deck.
Getting the 26 year old life rafts inflated and deployed (if one didn't work, it was on to the next one) was a serious event. The angle the ship was at made it very dificult to get them over and into the water, the ropes were too short and had to be severed and dropped the last couple feet!!!!! Mom said there were older people on board, but they were fit, and it was just simply amazing that everyone was so able bodied even the kids were fine (and no pets!). It was said by everyone that it was all quite calm and orderly with a surreal feeling. A few crew stayed to the very last and then went back even after the passengers were off in rafts to MAKE SURE no one was left -- combing the passenger quarters, cafeteria, etc.
Mom said when the car deck filled, they could tell as the boat straightened up for a moment (the shift in angle was terrifying) offering the best opportunity to get the last raft off fairly level.
The lights were still on as they bobbed away from the doomed vessel in the pouring rain... Crew and passengers, many in their night clothes, everyone was soaked either from the sea entering their cabins, or from the rain. The relief was tangable.
Her lights finally went out and all was quiet except the rain and waves her groans and protests as the water filled her hull. Someone called "put a spotlight on her - she's going down!" and the Queen was illuminated for the last time as she pitched and dived into the dark cold sea. Mom said thay all braced themselves for SOMETHING..... but there was barely a ripple. And then silence as eveyone absorbed what they had just seen. There was NOTHING left.
Mom said it was horrible, the empty place where it was. She expected (as they were evacuating)that they would be floating around her badly listed hull for a while and then at dawn, the authorities would come and try to salvage her enough to tow her to get fixed or something, but when she disapeared, it made it so much worse.
They were only alone for a few minutes when the rescue arrived, and then the adventure of trying to get home began.... Mom says the fishboat ride was more terrifying than the life raft, by far! The reality didn't sink in for a while.... poor mom is still very upset, mostly by what her friends (the crew) are dealing with. They had some bad stuff happen. I know some jobs can be dangerous, and you expect that -- logging for example -- but the catering crew just didn't think THEIR job was dangerous (dishwasher with danger pay!).
P. S. About the missing couple. Mom's not convinced. There were many times that everyone was counted and confirmed by the radios. It added up to 101 the first 3 counts! Then after everyone was on the resue boats and on land, that's went it didn't add up anymore. Mom said there was confusion loading people into the rescue boats, some fishing, and the Coast Guard. One of the crew remembers serving them wine earlier in the evening and that they had drank "a bit", but no one specifically remembers them after that. But the numbers added up to 101!Mom even said there was a boat at the scene that no one from the village reckognized.... whether that is just wishful thinking, I don't know. Mom is still not convinced, she is glad the RCMP are still treating it as a missing persons report though.
To see a bit of footage...
http://www.tsb.gc.ca/en/media/communiques/marine/2006/m06w0052_video.asp
Underwater images obtained from a submersible equipped with video cameras show that the vessel has been located in 1400 feet of water on the ocean floor, resting upright in silt.
4.06.2006
GREAT morning!
Wow, this morning was so nice!
I woke up to the sound of happy children, and shortly after I opened my eyes, they rushed in to give me "wake up" hugs and kisses. They were already dressed and playing a mutually fun game of cars. And Steve announced that his bag was already packed.
Breakfast went without a hitch, they both ate what they asked for and were agreeable about what I packed in the lunchboxes. Then Steve agreed to practice his spelling list (he did great)and then they went downstairs to finish watching a movie and play cars together. The movie ended just as it was time to get ready to go to school. I didn't even have to ask twice, the shoes were on the bag was in hand and the coats were on! AND I was ready too! Hair, clothes even a bit of makeup and my email was checked! Grabbed the keys and they loaded into the truck with no fuss. We were SO efficient that we arrived at school 10 minutes early! (That just goes to show how on the ball they were this moring, usually it takes that full ten minutes to get out the door and into the truck with a whole lot of "we are going to be late if you don't hurry up" and "FOCUS! We are trying to get to school here!" from me, running back and forth up the stairs to get forgotten vital things and the like.)
10 minutes early!!!! Wow! Steve had time to play with his friends before the bell rang! He loves it when that happens.... and as I was kissing him and saying have a great day, I also took the time to thank him for a wonderful morning and asked him if he wanted to walk home today -- he AGREED!!!!!! Yay, one less thing to think about. and I hope his day continues as smoothly.
He doesn't want to go to swimming lessons, because he hates being "bossed around". But I tried to stress how important it is to learn to swim properly especially in a town where the River (a treacherous place that kills someone every year) is a hang-out spot that he is sure to go to as a teen and the lakes and ocean are where most recreation happens! I also told him how I regret never learning properly and I really don't want him to have the same fears that I do. I am not sure if he heard me, but maybe he did. I told him to not look at it as something he "doesn't like" but instead make it something that while he's there he might as well learn something. His response to that was "at least while I'm at the pool, I am away from school work". (LOL)
I am optomistic and grateful about it all today!
I woke up to the sound of happy children, and shortly after I opened my eyes, they rushed in to give me "wake up" hugs and kisses. They were already dressed and playing a mutually fun game of cars. And Steve announced that his bag was already packed.
Breakfast went without a hitch, they both ate what they asked for and were agreeable about what I packed in the lunchboxes. Then Steve agreed to practice his spelling list (he did great)and then they went downstairs to finish watching a movie and play cars together. The movie ended just as it was time to get ready to go to school. I didn't even have to ask twice, the shoes were on the bag was in hand and the coats were on! AND I was ready too! Hair, clothes even a bit of makeup and my email was checked! Grabbed the keys and they loaded into the truck with no fuss. We were SO efficient that we arrived at school 10 minutes early! (That just goes to show how on the ball they were this moring, usually it takes that full ten minutes to get out the door and into the truck with a whole lot of "we are going to be late if you don't hurry up" and "FOCUS! We are trying to get to school here!" from me, running back and forth up the stairs to get forgotten vital things and the like.)
10 minutes early!!!! Wow! Steve had time to play with his friends before the bell rang! He loves it when that happens.... and as I was kissing him and saying have a great day, I also took the time to thank him for a wonderful morning and asked him if he wanted to walk home today -- he AGREED!!!!!! Yay, one less thing to think about. and I hope his day continues as smoothly.
He doesn't want to go to swimming lessons, because he hates being "bossed around". But I tried to stress how important it is to learn to swim properly especially in a town where the River (a treacherous place that kills someone every year) is a hang-out spot that he is sure to go to as a teen and the lakes and ocean are where most recreation happens! I also told him how I regret never learning properly and I really don't want him to have the same fears that I do. I am not sure if he heard me, but maybe he did. I told him to not look at it as something he "doesn't like" but instead make it something that while he's there he might as well learn something. His response to that was "at least while I'm at the pool, I am away from school work". (LOL)
I am optomistic and grateful about it all today!
4.03.2006
Sicky little boy
Poor Steve is sick today!
After a whirlwind week of birthday activities, followed by a weekend of more parties and activities, I am not surprised that his defense system let him down. His throat is very sore and red and he needs to cough once in a while (very painful). I hated having a sore throat more than any other ailment when I was young. Swallowing happens so often and when it hurts to do it it is just such a miserable time!.
Poor tike.
So I have parked him on my sister's couch for the day, and we will see how that goes. I guess I need to get some throat spray (though I seem to remember having a numb throat was almost worse)......
After a whirlwind week of birthday activities, followed by a weekend of more parties and activities, I am not surprised that his defense system let him down. His throat is very sore and red and he needs to cough once in a while (very painful). I hated having a sore throat more than any other ailment when I was young. Swallowing happens so often and when it hurts to do it it is just such a miserable time!.
Poor tike.
So I have parked him on my sister's couch for the day, and we will see how that goes. I guess I need to get some throat spray (though I seem to remember having a numb throat was almost worse)......
4.01.2006
Birthday CHAOS
It was Chaotic, but a whole lot of fun for everyone!
My darling Steve is 9 now, I can hardly believe it!
We rented the school gym (surprisingly affordable) and let them go berzerk in the gym with balls, mats and bean bags.
Then there was pizza, munchies, fruit and veggies in the multi-purpose room and much mess was made by all!
More craziness in the gym and then icecream cake! (more mess)
And finally present-opening followed the craziest craziness in the gym and a whirlwind clean up before we were out of there! Actually the clean-up wasn't too bad considering the volume of hyper boys and sticky stuff. Don't get me wrong, it was a MESS, just the surfaces were all wipable! Hooray!
Everyone had fun, from the toddlers to the Birthday boy (and even a couple of grownups too).
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