Smashed

He schmucked my car - HARD - in the driveway a couple weeks ago.  Though I don't think he did it on purpose, he has been very lax about taking control to fix it. In fact he has done sweet diddly all to even try to make amends let alone get it fixed.

My car is now worth next to nothing. I'm sure insurance will write it off and make my son's insurance go through the roof for years! Stupid me, I thought "let's make it easier on him. Let's find the easiest cheapest solution for HIM". So I researched the insurance, I got quotes form a body shop, I called wreckers up and down the Island to look for the best source for parts, I researched replacement s for my car... 

Does he appreciate it? Hard to tell.

Did he help? Fat chance.

Would he engage in a dialogue about what would be best for both of us? Nope. He avoided talking about it as though he had no part in the destruction or inconvenience at all!

WTF!

My brain hurts. My car is mangled, my heart is broken and I get nothing. A sad, quiet little "Sorry about your car mom" after dad had to talk to him.

I'm not the first mother to go through this, and I know it could be so much worse, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! 

After all I worked hard for that car, I worked hard to keep it looking nice. Now it looks like a POS. And trying to get money from him to fix it will be like blood from a stone.

Hostage situation or intervention?

Another stressful day.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand to see another day of him wandering around watching YouTube in his underwear and waiting for his girlfriend to summon him. So I asked my son what job would be good. He said the bike shop would be his holy grail of jobs. I said great, put on some pants and grab your resumes, I will drive you to them all! He said no. I said why. He didn't have a good reason so I said lets go, he said no. I insisted. Then I got mad. Not like screaming rage, but I couldn't stop smiling wide eyed and crazy as I sarcastically told him his life sucks because I want to drive him to apply for dream jobs. I was at risk of really losing it. The lack of logic has my brain twisted right up!

So I told him I wouldn't stop bugging him until he agreed and I promised not to say a word if he got in the car.

He eventually did.

He was so stressed I thought he might throw up at the first place. The second place slightly better, the third not great, the fourth okay, and the fifth had me waiting (happily) for a good half hour, outside in the car of course. That last place was great and they want him there, they just need to talk to the owner.

He was in a great mood!

Then he read some texts from his girlfriend and his brow furrowed, then he got anxious and agitated and then frantic. He put himself in his room sobbing, and said he hated ultimatums. Too many ultimatums. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to "just F@c! Off" so I said I love him and quickly backed off.

Shortly after that dad came home. I brought him up to speed... Not fun.

Dad went into the garage to do something and our son came out of his room looking frail and frantic and half crazy with worry.  I said "where are you going?" He said "out". I asked if I should be worried and he asked me to butt out. I pointed out that he didn't look in any condition to help his girlfriend like that. I suggested he might want to compose himself before he ran off. Weirdly he listened. He stopped and apologized for swearing at me. He sat and calmed down. He started looking okay (but still frazzled). Then dad came in and he asked to talk. It was a long talk. He explained how worried we are seeing him out of control, with zero ambition or will to grow up. We asked him to find something anything that makes him feel good and make it a priority right now. We said some hard truths about young love and bad relationships.

Our son said being with his girlfriend feels good. But I did say that frantic expression tonight didn't look like he was going off to do something pleasant. He said it's usually better than that. It wasn't a fun talk. Things were said that probably weren't easy to hear. But we kept saying we care, we believe in him, we really genuinely want what's best for him, and this existence he's got going on now isn't it.

Did I do wrong by forcing him to apply today? Maybe. But for a bit he seemed pretty pleased with his own abilities. I had to kick his butt hard, but he moved. How can he expect me to stop interfering if it's the ONLY way to get results?

I'm not proud of myself, in fact I feel a bit ashamed for doing it. Damn it I refuse to enable the shiftless behaviour! He's been unemployed for over three months!! And his new routine of doing Jack is not doing anyone any favours.

Parenting is tough. 

Hair pulling

Another great article from empowering parents https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/motivating-underachievers-part-i-when-your-child-says-i-dont-care/ 

Great tidbits... 

When he says he doesn't care, I should say that I can't make him care but... “It Matters to Me.” be very clear and tell him that what he does matters to him. Personalize it by saying, “It matters to me. I care about you. I want you to do well. I can’t make you do it and I won’t force you. But it matters to me and I love you.”

And...

Regardless of why he might have an attitude of learned helplessness, as a parent, it’s important to stop doing things that he needs to do for himself. Don’t do his homework—let him do it. Be available for help if necessary, but don’t take on his tasks. He has to learn independence, and if i take on his responsibilities, I'm robbing him of this chance to develop.

Adult or Child?

I'm thinking my son might be stuck in limbo. Right now he wants all the freedom of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. And he's getting away with it because I'm scared to damage him or chase him away.

I found this at psychologytoday.com ... living in the child mode is largely chaotic and dysfunctional, whereas living one’s life as a adult is generally more adaptive and successful. Retaining a child’s frame of reference has numerous disadvantages: for example, people who operate from this perspective often find it difficult to formulate their goals and priorities in life and tend to feel helpless and victimized. They blame others for the problems they encounter rather than taking responsibility for how people react to them. In reality, people largely determine the course of their lives and determine the way that others respond. Lastly, reacting to life in a childlike manner can be quite emotional but often lacks a depth of genuine feeling.

Also... challenge a passive-dependent orientation.

Identify behaviors that are symptomatic of the child mode and change them by adopting more adult responses. Among the more straightforward, easily identifiable childish behaviors are sulking, whining, complaining, manipulating to get sympathy, continually seeking direction, acting in a disorganized, incompetent and irresponsible manner, procrastinating, habitual lateness, carelessness and slovenliness and being neglectful in relation to one's health.

In addition, it is important to challenge feelings of inferiority, submissiveness and a passive-dependent orientation in relation to authority figures, friends and loved ones. By holding on to parental substitutes and continuing to depend excessively on others by acquiescing to their wants, needs and points of view, it is evident that you will remain a child. It is also important to recognize when you are being defiant or rebellious in your responses and strive to take a more rational adult position. Submission and defiance are equally childish; both are outer directed and tend to elicit parental responses of either approval or disapproval.

Sigh... How to gain control?... One method is to look for discrepancies between your actions and your stated goals; these contradictions are often caused by unconscious or partly conscious "critical inner voices." By bringing these voices into conscious awareness and recognizing how they are influencing your behavior, you can change behaviors that are dictated by the internal negative thought process and gain insight into areas of your life where you have difficulty maintaining an adult perspective.

Taking time to reflect on your emotions and considering the consequences of your actions fosters a rational approach to problem solving.

Recognize that perceiving others as responsible for your problems is immature and maladaptive. In actuality, you create your own circumstances, so you can be active in changing them.

Carefully consider or explore feedback rather than reject it summarily, then decide which aspects of the feedback you agree or disagree with, and respond from an adult perspective.

An important aspect of being an adult involves envisioning goals that express your unique identity and interests, and then taking the actions necessary to achieve these goals. Actively strive and compete for your objectives, both personal and vocational, rather than seeking satisfaction in fantasy. Make a concerted effort to maintain personal integrity in your life by insisting that your actions correspond to your words.

The next question is... Does he want to be an adult? Or continue (at present) as a child? It's a yes or no question.

Yes:

Adult Responsibilities such as paying bills, fulfilling commitments, take care of yourself, provide goals for today and tomorrow, keep house.

No school=Rent

Also, adults have freedom once their obligations are met. He could do what he wants with his rented space (so long as he doesn't damage it or endanger anyone) freedom of time, freedom to time his own goals. Also freedom from parental nagging.

No:

Kid Responsibilities such as obeying parental rules, asking permission to be late or miss meals, do chores to help the whole family, make sure parents know where you are, polite behaviour is required, accept parental guidance graciously.

Either way... We love him and want him safe and happy!

Also either way, I want him to show me a list of goals and a map to get there.

I want 3 applications a day sent out online, 3 paper resumes and 3 follow up calls PER DAY until he is employed. I want him to make getting a job his job.

He CAN do it! And I EXPECT him to do it! In fact, I DEMAND he does it!

Consequences should be a request for him to find a different place to live. (Scary!) 24 hours on first infraction, longer if he persists. With this whole girlfriend ego sabatoge going on, I am nervous about that. He is so fragile right now... But after reading the above, I'm starting to wonder if he is fragile so he can keep from growing up (an idea he has always fought against)

Hmm.....

Roller coaster

My mood is swinging from a tall branch these days. 

Sad... That I am powerless right now

Frustrated... That he's not doing ANYTHING that resembles responsibility 

Angry... That I can't slap some sense into him

Anguished... That I can't sweep him up into a hug and say "I will fix it"

Giddy... Because I don't know what to do with all these emotions

Scared... That I will do something to drive him farther away

Scared... That it will get worse

Scared... That he won't know what a healthy relationship is

Scared... That he will get stuck where he is.

None of these emotions feel good and it's affecting my interactions with the household and a lack of drive for work and for house. I wish there was a reset button, but I'm not sure when it started to go wrong?

Why doesn't he want to work? To exercise? To help earn his keep at home?

Operation independent son

My oldest is nineteen. He's living here unemployed and mooching food, hydro, and an over-enthusiastic mom that wants to mother. He needs more from life. 

The message has to be, ‘To live in this house, you need to show us that you are working towards independence. We need to see that—and you need to help yourself make that happen.'

Empoweringparents.com has some advice for living with an adult child. Questions to ask, rules to establish...

• How will we know this is working?
• “We’ll know because everyone will be doing their fair share. We’ll be respectful of each other.”
• How will we know it isn’t working?
• “We’ll know if someone isn’t pulling their weight or starts overstepping boundaries.”
• What will we do if it’s not working?
• “You will make plans to leave within a month.”
• What will we do if it is working?
• “We’ll continue with our original plan of while you are taking classes.”

Anytime I start to feel resentment, I have a responsibility to ask myself , “How am I not addressing this issue and how am I stepping over my own boundaries here?” I want to make sure that I take responsibility for what I need and what I am asking for. Otherwise I'm going to be saying “yes” to something I really want to be saying “no” to—and that’s not good for any relationship.

How do I know when it's time to say enough is enough and ask him to leave?

• When you feel that you’ve done your part responsibly, or that your child is not living up to his part of the bargain and is taking advantage of you, it may be time for him to move out.

Sit down and talk with him if things are not working out. Say, “If you are going to stay here, I expect certain respectful behavior; otherwise you’re not welcome here. There are certain respectful ways that you live in a house with others and if that’s not possible for you, then maybe it’s time for you to leave.”

Before we ask him to leave, we must think about how we as parents might be contributing to the escalation of frustration or arguments. If he says something that makes me angry, how do I handle that anger? Do I handle it in a way that makes things worse, or better? Remember, We are the parents. No matter how immature he is being, we need to stay grounded; don’t go to that place. Instead, stay connected to the principles that we want to live by as parents. And that may be to simply come back later in a mature way and say, “Look, we are having some problems here and this is what your dad and I think.”

We need to acknowledge how any worries have perhaps contributed to a feeling of helplessness, of being defeated before we've even begun.  Remember that the way to transform helplessness is through action: repeated, focused action towards the life we want for ourselves and for our adult child. See if we can find something that seems doable, even something small, and take positive action in that direction.

I think my next step is to sit down with my husband to draft a "living arrangements contract" to clearly state the rules for our son living here. I know my husband has expectations and so do I. We want to foster independence and not lose our own minds in the process. 

This parenting thing is HARD!

I might be a helicopter mom.

Feeling pretty sure of myself I searched "symptoms of helicopter mom". I thought I could be cocky and confident that wasn't ME, but the list on afineparent.com was eye openingly similar to my style. Not everything, but enough to freak me out. What if it's true?! What if I have eroded my children's ability to self-problem solve?! What if it's too little too late now?

One of the things suggested is journaling... So here it goes. Dusting off the blog.

The reason I am suddenly worried about the title is because I have been called it. I shrugged it off thinking they didn't know where I was coming from. What makes them the expert to call me that?!  Now I feel terribly guilty. I still want to protect my kids from harm and failure. Sure I let them play rough, but I am horrified to think that they might be ill equipped to handle anything! I lecture, I prod, I beg... And they ignore me until I do it for them. Oh man! That's horrible! How did I make that happen?!?! 

Smart kids, strong kids, but by no means independent. And time for parental teaching is running out! 

How can I foster success at this late date? 

(Why didn't anyone tell me before)

Time to re-learn how to parent (gulp)