hmmmm....
Answers.com says; "Enmity or bitterness among individuals or groups of people."
the freedictionary.com says; "a feeling of ill will arousing active hostility"
encarta.ca says; "ill feeling: an intense and usually long-lasting feeling of hatred, anger, or resentment".
So I guess I am not too far off.
I was lying in my bed last night thinking about how wonderful my marriage is. T's enthusiastic snoring being the soundtrack to my happy musings. Not content with just lying there being happy, I had to think of the times when I wasn't so content with the man I promised to love forever.
(Why do we do this to ourselves anyhow?)
There have been times when I didn't like him very much. I know dwelling on these things is not healthy nor is it productive.... but I am doing it for now.
He is the most superstitious atheist I have ever met. He is very very threatened by organized religion and even disorganized faith.... this has caused us some heart break and arguments. (NEVER assume that just because the person you love doesn't talk about religion that they don't have a very strong opinion!!!!) Honestly, if I had known how seriously he appalls anything that he can't touch or see, I would probably have slated him as not marriage material -- terrible eh?
He is closeminded to all but the most traditional beliefs and values when it comes to work, love, childrearing, entertainment, etc, etc. (The word "red-neck" immediately springs to mind). AND he is threatened by any man/person that show the slightest hint of creativity or outward thinking (if it wasn't so sad it would be comical). Now I did know a bit about this before we got too serious. I wanted a traditional man -- a manly man that fixes stuff and would work hard, protect his family and be the breadwinner if that was called on him..... so I can't blame him for not fulfilling any of those traits I desired in a husband. HOWEVER, a little creativity, a little thinking outside the traditional can be really enriching -- I know that fact, and I wish he could see it too. His blinders were firmly in place before he was 20, and no amount of prying at them has budged them an inch. sigh it's a fact and I love him anyways.
He is preachy. I realize it is a trait of many many husbands that cherish their wives, but really it is very insulting in alot of ways. Other than taking it with a sweet smile and gently batted eyelashes like I used to, I have lost my tolerance for it and generally just say "you have told me that before" with an exasperated eye roll and he generally shuts it down. I don't like being mean like that, but REALLY. The worst though is when he is preaching about my childrearing techniques. The very LAST thing I want to hear when I have my voiced raised in desparation trying to ge the kids to follow through on something (for the millionth time) is T saying "calm down"! Enough said.
He is moody.
There are times when I can't predict where his moods are going. Who knows what sends him off? Sometimes he has violent attacks on the household grime, and since they come through as cleaning raids I can't really complain too much. Except things get broken, there is much grumbing and huffing and inevitably someone ends up crying. I have never once said "calm down" when he is like this. Maybe I should.
He is set in his ways. He had it in his head he would not be able to contact me on the vacation. He was convinced I was not going to give him the information. (Unreasonable). So when I handed him a piece of paper with the hotel phone numbers, names and the dates we had the reservations, he said thatnk you, put it in his wallet and promptly forgot he had it. When I got back and was gushing over how wonderful it all was he got a peculiar, hard look on his face. I said "hey it wasn't too bad while I was gone, and I'm back now!" And he said, "I would have felt alot better if there was some way to contact you." So I said "what about that list with all the numbers on it?" He said he never got a list, I reminded him that he put it right in his wallet. And sure enough he pulled out his wallet, and there it was. He just kind of looked at it. I was mad at him for holding the grudge, but amused that he had himself all worked up over nothing. He does that a lot. Works himself up over the minute details and obscure scenerios. I gagged when he asked what the sleeping arrangements were going to be on the trip. He was so serious! I ALMOST said "We are all taking turns with Jeff" just to see what would happen. Luckily the little angel on my right shoulder muted me in time, and all that came out was a little gagged chuckle instead.
He is very, very, very jealous.
Jealous of the time I spend with my sister, work and my dearest friends.... (he doesn't understand the need for friends anymore than the need for faith or creativity.... it makes me want to cry).
This jealousy issue is something I did know before we were wed, but he had friends then and we were always able to talk it down before it got out of hand..... it never really became an issue until a couple years ago when he was unreasonably CRUEL and relentlessly hostile to my business's assitant designer -- no matter how much I pleaded reason with him. This is something that drove a wedge between us, deep and hard. This is the point that I dwelled on last night.
Why did he need to be mean? He pissed around his territory and stalked around me like some silverback gorilla pounding his chest around his little fragile mate. It was terrible and he was intimidating.... it felt like he couldn't trust my judgement and indeed that's exactly what he ended up saying. "Men can't be trusted" he said, "ALL men want sex all the time". (GAAAACK! Hey man! Are you listening to yourself? So you had eyes on all the older, married mothers when you worked at your jobs 10 years ago? You mean I can't trust YOU ever?!). Something broke during that time in our relationship. It shattered and there has been no attempt to repair it. The aforementioned designer quit my contract, and fled town to live in his parent's spare room! My hubby saw it as problem solved. I saw it as brawn beating the shit out of anything reasonable.
So that wound was left open, and the scar tissue is very thick. It doesn't hurt anymore, but there is a complete lack of feeling and its an ugly ugly blemish.
The other faults I have lived around, incorporated into our loving relationship (either through acceptance or ignoring it) as he has accepted my faults and built them into why we compliment each other. But this last point is inexusable to me and I have a bit of "bad-blood" there.
These are the thoughts I was dwelling on as I drifted off to sleep last night, and my dreams echoed it.
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We are dropping the kids off with Grandpa for an outing, and at the last minute I decide I would rather have a kidless day with my hubby than spend it with the kids at the beach. I hop in the passenger side and T has a funny disgruntled look on his face. "Do you mind?" I ask with a big happy grin on my face. "Of course not" he gruffs. And as I am twisting around to do up my seatbelt he PEELS out of the driveway at mach-speed I am thrown back into the bench seat and a terrible sharp pain sears up my spine. I call out in agony and begin wailing loudly -- the pain is excruciating and isn't calming down. The worst of it is T is still driving like he is angry and my cries seem to be making it worse. He is ignoring me and when I say " Oh my God T my back is killing me!" He says angrily "I thought you wanted to come". And we peel into a parking lot (there are tents set up, it looks like some sort of swap meet), me clasping my back for support, tears streaming down my face sobbing loudly, him stubbornly gripping the wheel with both hands looking stright ahead.
And I woke up. I was still sobbing a bit.
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I know, it is ripe with symbolism.
I just want to stress, he had many fine, fine qualities that I would be hard pressed to find anywhere else! He is generous, loyal, kind, caring, funny, dutiful, strong.... just to name a few. I am not complaining about what I have, because indeed I think I have it really really good (Hey, I'm not perfect either) and all relationships need to grow, to evolve and to adapt to survive for any length of time!
Nice job venting eh?
It was lazy days.... casting a line, putting around in the boat (on the calm days) exploring the woods and the gravelly beach. The kids made their own entertainment (and bow and arrows) with what the woods and lake provided -- Namely trees, trails and an endless supply of rocks and sticks! Camp cooking, hanging out poking at the fire at night..... all good.
The boat added something as we were able to explore the other side of the lake and the many islands too. I found wild onions and berries to add to our menu (mmmmmm..... gotta love that guide to edible plants!)
The nights were lovely too. Not a lot of stars, as the moon was so very bright!!!! I tried to get a picture, but my camera made a mess of it.
